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AIBU?

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Original poster

Father of the bride situation

190 replies

Mamabear487 · 09/08/2024 10:19

So long story short. My parents divorced when I was a toddler now I’m my early 30s with a 7&3 year old. Dad was in and out of our lives maybe saw him once a year via a contact center until we got older (a whole other story). He never paid child maintenance, lived 3 hours away. Mum met her current husband when I was 9. We moved a further 2 hours away so total of 5 hours distance but still saw him maybe 1 or 2 times a year throughout my teens. There’s so much more to the story but the point is my dad has never really made an effort. Not with my kids either he has met my youngest 2 times since he was born And that’s only because he was working close by and popped in for an hour.

anyway when I told him I was engaged I was absolutely gob smacked he sent me 2k for my wedding dress. Bear in mind he wouldn’t buy my child (his first grandchild) a £5 bucket and spade so you get the gist of how tight he is with money. So in March when he announced he would like to pay for me and my kids and sister on an aborad all inclusive holiday I didn’t believe him. We just came back from said holiday and he was absolutely fine until day 4. Wasn’t interested in anyone but himself we paid for dinner that cost us £250 for everyone walked off he didn’t even say thank you. Complained my child was having fun jumping in the pool (normal child behaviour having fun nothing OTT).

he assumed he would be walking me down the aisle. I don’t want him to I could absolutely not think of anything more awkward. But I don’t know how to tell him. I really love my step dad, he’s made such an effort over the years, was there through my crappy teenage years when I was horrible to him, helped me when I was younger with credit card debt, helped us with a house deposit, texts me all the time to check on us and the kids. He’s just the one I want to give me away. My dad texts maybe once every 3 months and it is never to ask about us or the kids it’s usually to let us know the latest holiday he’s booked or thing he’s bought. I just don’t know what to do. He obviously has to be there but wouldn’t not be so weird he’s just sat in the crowed while someone else gives me away? And to add he said he doesn’t want to do the dad speech which I said it’s fine my step dad wants to do it anyway. Just don’t know how to approach it or AIBU and just get on with it?

OP posts:
KeirSpoutsTwaddle · 09/08/2024 19:47

Give it a while if you can. Then heave a chat with him that though it was a great trip, he was a stressful on holiday and you want an easier life on your wedding day.

Flossflower · 09/08/2024 19:30

Have who you really want but I have been to a wedding where the bride was walked down the aisle with her father AND her step father

Newgirls · 09/08/2024 19:08

Are you secretly hoping we will all say ‘your bio dad sounds like he is sorry and so generous and yes it’s great if he walks you down the aisle’ ?

in your heart is that what you want?

anywhichone · 09/08/2024 18:52

My girls have this issue. One plans to get married abroad and her dad probably won't come. Other is having her step dad.

Pippatpip · 09/08/2024 16:58

Has he actually said that he is expecting to walk you down the aisle or are you making that assumption? I think wait a little after the dust has settled from the holiday and then write him a letter - on nice paper saying that you love him as your biological father and would like him to have a role in the wedding and would he read the lesson or meet and greet people. Your step father will be walking you down the aisle as a thanks for putting up with you as an awful teen and for steadfastly being there for you through thick and thin. For this, you love him to as a Dad.

I think you need to tackle this soon so if he has a tantrum then he has a tantrum. That is his problem, not yours. Let him get on with it. Either he will huff off so problem solved or accept his role so problem solved.

LookItsMeAgain · 09/08/2024 16:01

Can I add that whether you walk up the aisle by yourself, or on the arm of your stepdad or biodad, as you'll be the bride, the attention will be on you on the day. Bite the bullet and walk yourself down the aisle or have your DH waiting half way up the aisle and you walk the last half together?

AnnaMagnani · 09/08/2024 15:51

In terms of needing support 'walking down the aisle ' unless you are at Westminster Abbey it's very brief.

itsmylife7 · 09/08/2024 15:18

Mamabear487 · 09/08/2024 15:12

Yep 100% but obviously for his own benefit!

Show quote history

You know what he's doing then.
The question is are you going to allow this man to bully you ?

Original poster
Mamabear487 · 09/08/2024 15:12

itsmylife7 · 09/08/2024 12:21

Reading your posts it's like he only started throwing money and holidays at you since, you mentioned marriage?

Yep 100% but obviously for his own benefit!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamabear487 · 09/08/2024 15:09

Sfxde24 · 09/08/2024 14:51

Sounds to me like the money is clouding your judgement. He’s given a little bit of time and money at a point in his life where it’s easy for him to do it.
Notably his tiny contribution is for fun things, dress and holiday. He didn't bother for your entire life otherwise. Money to actually feed, house and clothe his own children.
You owe him nothing. Your stepdad sounds wonderful. I know what I would do.

To be honest it’s not even about the money clouding my judgement because I didn’t need it. We have a comfortable life and don’t need handouts. I took it purely because he’s never done anything like that in his life for me and my sister and I felt like I deserved it. The whole thing comes down to me being a nicer person and considering his feelings when really I shouldn’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamabear487 · 09/08/2024 15:07

HarrytheHobbit · 09/08/2024 15:00

Your real dad should walk you down the aisle ie your stepdad. He is the one that has cared for you and been there for you. As for the sperm donor why are you even considering his feelings? You need to woman up.

I know I really do. The funny thing is I do with everyone else in my life. I stand up for myself just with him I can’t seem to but I definitely need to!

OP posts:
HarrytheHobbit · 09/08/2024 15:00

Your real dad should walk you down the aisle ie your stepdad. He is the one that has cared for you and been there for you. As for the sperm donor why are you even considering his feelings? You need to woman up.

Cherrysoup · 09/08/2024 14:58

Do what you want and what makes you happy. Who is more important, your step dad or biological? I think step dad given your posts. It sounds like you’d regret not having your step dad. Just mention it casually if biological dad raises it, be all airy ‘Well, obviously, it’s Tony’s duty as he raised me’. No need to labour the point or walk alone/with someone else as pp have mentioned when you want your step dad!

wellington77 · 09/08/2024 14:58

Mamabear487 · 09/08/2024 10:19

So long story short. My parents divorced when I was a toddler now I’m my early 30s with a 7&3 year old. Dad was in and out of our lives maybe saw him once a year via a contact center until we got older (a whole other story). He never paid child maintenance, lived 3 hours away. Mum met her current husband when I was 9. We moved a further 2 hours away so total of 5 hours distance but still saw him maybe 1 or 2 times a year throughout my teens. There’s so much more to the story but the point is my dad has never really made an effort. Not with my kids either he has met my youngest 2 times since he was born And that’s only because he was working close by and popped in for an hour.

anyway when I told him I was engaged I was absolutely gob smacked he sent me 2k for my wedding dress. Bear in mind he wouldn’t buy my child (his first grandchild) a £5 bucket and spade so you get the gist of how tight he is with money. So in March when he announced he would like to pay for me and my kids and sister on an aborad all inclusive holiday I didn’t believe him. We just came back from said holiday and he was absolutely fine until day 4. Wasn’t interested in anyone but himself we paid for dinner that cost us £250 for everyone walked off he didn’t even say thank you. Complained my child was having fun jumping in the pool (normal child behaviour having fun nothing OTT).

he assumed he would be walking me down the aisle. I don’t want him to I could absolutely not think of anything more awkward. But I don’t know how to tell him. I really love my step dad, he’s made such an effort over the years, was there through my crappy teenage years when I was horrible to him, helped me when I was younger with credit card debt, helped us with a house deposit, texts me all the time to check on us and the kids. He’s just the one I want to give me away. My dad texts maybe once every 3 months and it is never to ask about us or the kids it’s usually to let us know the latest holiday he’s booked or thing he’s bought. I just don’t know what to do. He obviously has to be there but wouldn’t not be so weird he’s just sat in the crowed while someone else gives me away? And to add he said he doesn’t want to do the dad speech which I said it’s fine my step dad wants to do it anyway. Just don’t know how to approach it or AIBU and just get on with it?

If you want to be really diplomatic could you get them both to walk you down the aisle?

Sfxde24 · 09/08/2024 14:51

Sounds to me like the money is clouding your judgement. He’s given a little bit of time and money at a point in his life where it’s easy for him to do it.
Notably his tiny contribution is for fun things, dress and holiday. He didn't bother for your entire life otherwise. Money to actually feed, house and clothe his own children.
You owe him nothing. Your stepdad sounds wonderful. I know what I would do.

Original poster
Mamabear487 · 09/08/2024 14:44

Just to clarify the money situation. I have never accepted anything before now (not that he offered) so I felt like I deserved it. The dress money technically came from my Nan when she passed so I looked at it from that angle. The holiday I originally said no. My sister convinced me to go and give him a chance with us and for him with his grandkids so it was more for them than me. I actually thought he had changed a bit since I last saw him 2 years ago but we got to day 4 and realised he wasn’t going to ever be different. I didn’t just take his money without thinking it through. And to add the holiday money also came from my nans inheritance so technically he’s paid fuck all 🙃

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamabear487 · 09/08/2024 14:40

Againlosinghope · 09/08/2024 12:56

There is always 2 sides to a separation. You had to see Dad in contact centre. Was he not safe to be around? Did you mum make it difficult.to maintain contact?
Was there reasons for his lack of contact?

Maybe it's just his way or maybe there are factors.

It's hard to say but it may well be the biggest slight to have SD give you away, he may already feel SD has had everything he has missed.

Personally I would opt for no one or your children if you don't want your dad to do it. But only you know the situation and you have to do what's best for you

He drank alot and did coke. He had a very lavish lifestyle in the limelight for a while working for someone very famous. He wasn’t not safe to be around for me and my sister he was fine. It was my mum he hurt and she would never tell us the full story and avoided it until we pushed it when we were older. She wanted us to make up our own minds about him. She allowed contact. She had the option through court to have cut him out of our life but she didn’t. The lack of contact is because he should never have been a dad. He’s not good at it never has been even with his grandchildren on holiday after 10 minutes he had enough and walked away from the situation each time. He’s also a narcissist 100%

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamabear487 · 09/08/2024 14:36

PermanentlyFullLaundryBasket · 09/08/2024 13:10

If I had my time over, I would walk up the aisle on my own. I am no man's property to be given away.

its not even about the tradition because im not traditional. It’s not even about being given away “like property” i want to walk with someone to calm me down on the day. someone whi can make me laugh and tell me not to overthink it. My mum I love her but she wouldn’t be able to give me that she would just be the same as me 🙈 although from all the replies I will consider her as an option.

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 09/08/2024 14:18

I'd actually just walk myself, or ask my mother who has been there throughout to walk me down the aisle, if I were in your shoes.

You say something like "Dad - I sincerely hope that the money you've spent on the recent trip and towards my wedding dress hasn't been with a vision of walking me down the aisle. I'd be very upset if you thought I could be bought after all of these years. I'm not having anyone walk me down the aisle. I'm doing things differently as I'm not someone's chattle to be handed from one man, my father, to another man, my husband. I'm more independent and I'd like to start off my marriage in the way I'd like to see it continue - as equals. I'm sorry if you have been under some misguided impression that I wanted anyone to walk me down the aisle, I don't."

SussexLass87 · 09/08/2024 14:10

On a practical note - I think a short, firm text message to your Dad is best. If he replies or tries to call or argue back about it, just ignore and don't engage.

You don't need it to be too wordy or justify your reasons. You've got this!

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/08/2024 13:58

"He obviously has to be there"

Does he? I'd have a good long think about that. I'm sure he expects to be invited, but the notion that he 'has to be there' - well, that would be something of a change from the norm, wouldn't it? I know you say you "didn’t want any confrontation which I’m now regretting" - maybe focus on the regret rather than the confrontation-aversion. And give your step-father, the man who actually fathered you, his rightful place by your side. ((hug))

SussexLass87 · 09/08/2024 13:18

On a practical note - I think a short, firm text message to your Dad is best. If he replies or tries to call or argue back about it, just ignore and don't engage.

You don't need it to be too wordy or justify your reasons.

Eddie16 · 09/08/2024 13:16

We can all give our opinion as stranger's online but it's also the day you marry the man you love, do what's best for you and your new life.
Either mum or fiancée to walk down the aisle as children do tend to have a mind of their own, if you are worried about them bombing down leaving you in the dust, you have someone with you.

Similar situation to yourself minus the children, got stepdad to go in car and walk me part way, handed me over to bio dad for actual aisle then both had speech at wedding reception.
First dance I had my husband spin me round, then bio dad, then stepdad then back to husband.
Did away with top table, had sweetheart table for me and husband, my in laws had a table, my bio dad and his wife a table, my mum and stepdad a table, all seated with people they knew so no arguments over who sat where etc.
It worked for us, my inlaws were a bit surprised as they expected a more traditional wedding set up but you have to do what works for you and your husband, not what tradition or other's expectations.
Good luck

PermanentlyFullLaundryBasket · 09/08/2024 13:10

If I had my time over, I would walk up the aisle on my own. I am no man's property to be given away.

PashaMinaMio · 09/08/2024 13:08

Lots of opinions here so no time to read them all but ….

Who has been a proper dad to you? It’s clearly your step/dad.

Any man can father a child but if takes a real
man to be a dad.

Bite the bullet and have that dear chap who’s been there for you all these years to walk you proudly down the aisle - your step dad.