Father of the bride situation

I don’t like the whole being “given away” thing. I have a good relationship with my dad but he’s not walking me down the aisle - my 11 year old son is. It feels right considering my fiance has been in his life since he was 18 months old. I hope my dad isn’t offended.

You already have kids and a home with your fiancée so why not walk down the aisle together?

All the giving away business is quite silly these days.

You know what you have to do. Get the 2k ready, tell your father step dad is walking down isle and speech. If he loves you he will respect your decision. If he kicks up a fuss tell home and his money to bugger off. That he doesn’t get to buy the position of dad … it involves 20 years of actual parenting.

or don’t… and regret it every time you think of your wedding. Every time you look at wedding video and look at photos. Every. Single. Time

one last thing, if you won’t do it for you will you do it for your step dad… he wants to do it it is respecting you. Who would you rather hurt

Choose the person you want. The money your dad is now throwing at you is for years of neglect and non maintenance payments, don't conflate that with him paying his way into your wedding. Have a fabulous day when it comes

My girls are going to have this exact problem and their bio dad will also have a childish hissy fit!
You will regret not doing what you want.
Could your mum have a word with him for you?

Why is it awkward? For someone to walk you down the aisle you have to ask them.. it’s not expected.. my dad got his invite for my wedding and told me he couldn’t get it off work.. (my auntie works same place and managed to) so my dad didn’t even turn up.. probably bcoz I didn’t ask him to walk me down the aisle.. why would I though my daughter was nearly 2 and he’d never met her… he was in my life till I was 18 then got a new gf and never bothered.

Why even invite him? You don't have to you know, and given everything he's done, I can't imagine why you would other than a sense of obligation. Sod that. Your stepdad on the other hand sounds fab. Have him walk you down the aisle.

I got married in a country where the tradition is the bride and groom walk down the aisle together. No giving away.

We were asked if we wanted to do this. So we did as we liked the idea.

Do this. Dress it as the modern trend in an equal society.

Solves a lot of the drama as it's more difficult to argue with without sounding like an overbearing sexist dinosaur...

I had this. Father in and out of my life. Mum not always the stable one, but my step father is my rock. I'm proud to be his daughter and don't hide it. He supports my relationship with or without my father. My wedding day it was my step father or no one. Both mum and Dad were hurt but respected me. I needed my father in that moment, the man who has loved me unconditionally for most of my life and they both respected my choice

Walk yourself down the aisle. Being ‘given away’ by a man is not relevant in this day and age.

It's unfortunate you accepted the £2k, as it was a rather obvious bribe to insert himself into the wedding party.
Can you give it back ?

Giving the bride away is quite an out dated thing these days - it stems from the days when a girl was owned by her father, then ownership was handed over to her husband when she married. In some countries, this is still the case.
Knowing the reason for some traditions makes it easier to decide not to carry on with that tradition.
Walk down the aisle with your children / bridesmaids / mum or by yourself.

Honestly, you're an adult. Walk yourself down the aisle and I mean this kindly. If you love your stepdad, find another way for him to be involved. Gan he do a speech?

OP, you keep saying you're being nice but you're not... you're not being nice to yourself by ignoring your feelings for the benefit of this man.

He's been a shit 'dad' - he's really just a sperm donor. You owe him nothing.

This is a great idea!

Do you think he can pay to insert himself?

Afraid i see the two large for the wedding dress as a 'buy in' for the Father of the Bride position. That he somehow considers this recompense for years of absence rather unfortunate

Different scenario but my dad died when I was a teenager and I never had a step dad, and I get married next month so we’ve also been thinking about wedding traditions recently too. I thought I’d ask my mum to walk me down the aisle but that didn’t feel right either and I was getting really stressed out about it all - eventually we settled on just entering together, as partners, with our children going ahead of us with our bridesmaids. I feel so much happier entering together and can’t believe I hadn’t thought of it before, so blinded was I by tradition and expectation. Is this something you could consider? Walking with your mum or your children or with your husband to be? :)

Don't walk down with anyone, or could a sibling do it?

Since your father has already said that he doesn't want to do the father of the bride speech, could you not tell him that your step dad will do the speech and by the way, will also walk you down the aisle, but sell it to your father as if it was all his idea, because he doesn't want to do the speech and the two things come as one package?

Walk down the aisle by yourself. That is what one of my best friends did. Her dad was largely absent from her life and she thought it would be a real slap in the face to her lovely mum to give him a "starring role". (He didn't even come in the end.)

She wasn't asked to justify it but if she had been she was ready to say "I'm an independent adult, I'm going to church to be married by my own free will. I don't need to be given."

To be fair you're in a similar situation, you are a grown up with children of your own. "Giving away" is very feudal and stems from the days when women did not have legal status of their own. They were literally given by their father to their husband. (As you might guess, I was not given away either though I did walk down the aisle with my non-absent dad as my parents are very traditional and that was my compromise.)

Could your sister walk down the aisle with you?

I would not have your dad I would have your step dad, 💯. He was your father figure. Your dad made his bed and now he lies in it. He should be delighted you’ve had a father figure if he’s any kind of dad. Do not compromise on this, you’ll regret it. And don’t mix and match? Who for? Your dad has let you down he can’t buy his way out with one holiday and a dress. He should have been buying you dresses and holidays for 20 years.

Watching with interest as my dd in same situ- useless disinterested dad who never made an effort V caring, involved step-dad who's brought her up and supported her in every way.