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AIBU?

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Original poster

Father of the bride situation

190 replies

Mamabear487 · 09/08/2024 10:19

So long story short. My parents divorced when I was a toddler now I’m my early 30s with a 7&3 year old. Dad was in and out of our lives maybe saw him once a year via a contact center until we got older (a whole other story). He never paid child maintenance, lived 3 hours away. Mum met her current husband when I was 9. We moved a further 2 hours away so total of 5 hours distance but still saw him maybe 1 or 2 times a year throughout my teens. There’s so much more to the story but the point is my dad has never really made an effort. Not with my kids either he has met my youngest 2 times since he was born And that’s only because he was working close by and popped in for an hour.

anyway when I told him I was engaged I was absolutely gob smacked he sent me 2k for my wedding dress. Bear in mind he wouldn’t buy my child (his first grandchild) a £5 bucket and spade so you get the gist of how tight he is with money. So in March when he announced he would like to pay for me and my kids and sister on an aborad all inclusive holiday I didn’t believe him. We just came back from said holiday and he was absolutely fine until day 4. Wasn’t interested in anyone but himself we paid for dinner that cost us £250 for everyone walked off he didn’t even say thank you. Complained my child was having fun jumping in the pool (normal child behaviour having fun nothing OTT).

he assumed he would be walking me down the aisle. I don’t want him to I could absolutely not think of anything more awkward. But I don’t know how to tell him. I really love my step dad, he’s made such an effort over the years, was there through my crappy teenage years when I was horrible to him, helped me when I was younger with credit card debt, helped us with a house deposit, texts me all the time to check on us and the kids. He’s just the one I want to give me away. My dad texts maybe once every 3 months and it is never to ask about us or the kids it’s usually to let us know the latest holiday he’s booked or thing he’s bought. I just don’t know what to do. He obviously has to be there but wouldn’t not be so weird he’s just sat in the crowed while someone else gives me away? And to add he said he doesn’t want to do the dad speech which I said it’s fine my step dad wants to do it anyway. Just don’t know how to approach it or AIBU and just get on with it?

OP posts:
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KeirSpoutsTwaddle · 19/05/2026 16:45

I’m glad you have a nice tidy end to it, and congratulations on the best day ever!

Original poster
Mamabear487 · 19/05/2026 15:06

For anyone who was interested 🤣 he didn’t come to the wedding, my step dad walked me down the aisle and we had the best day ever! My “dad” tried to act normal and wish me a happy birthday a month after we got married after not speaking to me since I messaged him to say I didn’t want him to walk me down which was a few months prior. He then proceeded to send birthday cards and money for me and my kids. After 6 months of not responding to him or acknowledging his messages I sent him a polite but firm message that I’m not interested in a relationship with him going forward but surprise he hasn’t responded so not only now has he lost his relationship with me, he’s lost it with my sister and now his young grandchildren (which I was fine for him to continue contact via my sister with). Karmas a bitch 🤣

OP posts:
andthat · 03/06/2025 18:07

Mamabear487 · 09/08/2024 10:53

That’s interesting to hear. I was thinking of just going along with it to keep the peace but I just can’t shake the feeling I would regret not having my step dad do it. My step dad is happy for me to decide he said he would like to but then at the end of the day he understands I also have a bio dad (albeit a crappy one)

Show quote history

Don’t go along with it @Mamabear487 !!

Your stepdad was there for you.. your dad wasn’t.

If it upsets his feelings not to walk you down the aisle tell him it upset yours when he wasn’t present!

Dont be a people pleaser.

Your stepdad sounds incredibly supportive and caring. I think he’d be thrilled to walk you down the aisle.

DreamTheMoors · 03/06/2025 17:56

Mamabear487 · 03/06/2025 12:31

Update for anyone who cares 🤣 my partner called my bio dad a few weeks ago to give him the heads up and to see how he would react (he’s quite good at awkward / heated conversations). He basically said to him there was no point of him going if he was not walking me down the aisle and just sat with the guests which says it all really that he’s trying to make it about him. So I finally messaged him this morning. It’s been 5 hours and he’s left me on read so hopefully he won’t respond so I can move on and enjoy my day without him ✌️

A dad is someone who meets “those boys” at the door who arrive to take his daughter out.
A dad is someone who grounds his daughter when she gets home at midnight when she was supposed to be home at 10.
A dad is someone who patiently teaches his daughter to drive.
A dad is the guy who makes bad pizza for tea when mum is out at meetings.
A dad is there for you no matter the day or time and never asks anything in return.
A dad is love.

A father impregnated someone.

Your dad would never leave you on read for 5 hours over your wedding. You know that.
Please don’t allow your father to hijack your happiness today or any other day. Don’t let him be a joy thief. Put it down. Leave it to him to be miserable. Your job is to be blissfully happy.
Congratulations on your big day - it’ll be grand.
Sending love from California. ❤️

KeirSpoutsTwaddle · 03/06/2025 13:16

Well done you and your DP. I doubt he’s surprised. Just wondering how to play it to his advantage.

thepariscrimefiles · 03/06/2025 12:56

Mamabear487 · 03/06/2025 12:31

Update for anyone who cares 🤣 my partner called my bio dad a few weeks ago to give him the heads up and to see how he would react (he’s quite good at awkward / heated conversations). He basically said to him there was no point of him going if he was not walking me down the aisle and just sat with the guests which says it all really that he’s trying to make it about him. So I finally messaged him this morning. It’s been 5 hours and he’s left me on read so hopefully he won’t respond so I can move on and enjoy my day without him ✌️

Hopefully you can now enjoy your wedding without a scintilla of guilt or regret. I hope you have a lovely day.

Original poster
Mamabear487 · 03/06/2025 12:31

Update for anyone who cares 🤣 my partner called my bio dad a few weeks ago to give him the heads up and to see how he would react (he’s quite good at awkward / heated conversations). He basically said to him there was no point of him going if he was not walking me down the aisle and just sat with the guests which says it all really that he’s trying to make it about him. So I finally messaged him this morning. It’s been 5 hours and he’s left me on read so hopefully he won’t respond so I can move on and enjoy my day without him ✌️

OP posts:
JustBrowsingTheWeb · 10/11/2024 16:46

To me this is a no brainier, you want ur step dad so ask ur step dad. Tell bio dad you care about him and his feelings but you want stepdad and that’s how u feel

Pashmina67 · 07/11/2024 06:36

Stepdad as you say he's been there for you and your kids unconditionally, your 'dad' sent money for dress big deal it's probably he's ego so he looks the big I am!! Men can be dad's takes one night!! It takes a real man to be a father thick and thin always there!! Put the holiday down to what he probably owes you anyway, say thanks but your kids and family have watched this man bring you up and your choosing him, you really will regret it if you play to guilt over a few quid!! He's seen your kids how many times moaned and wouldn't buy a bucket n spade, he may have had to sit and make a castle! Invite yes as a guest he lost the right for top table years ago.

CharlotteSometimes1 · 04/11/2024 00:21

I was in a similar position when I got married, I told my Dad on the phone that I wanted my Mum to walk me didn’t go into why, just that was what I wanted. A few weeks later he said he wouldn’t come if he couldn’t walk me, so I just said ok, I’m sorry you don’t feel comfortable with my decision. Actually I was relieved.

MischkasMum · 04/11/2024 00:07

Your Stepdad deserves to give you away. Absolutely NO contest. Let's face it, he's actually BEEN a Dad, there for you through thick and thin. Your biological father has been a visitor and only in your later years, not when he was needed. Don't fret over it.

jenny38 · 02/11/2024 20:10

Either your mum, or both your dad's down the isle. Or let your bio dad do tge isle walk, it's gets his part over with. Then stepdad, witness and speech. Weddings are tricky. The isle is a short walk, but the speech is something so personal and you and guests will remember this more.

MereDintofPandiculation · 02/11/2024 19:50

OvernightOatsAgain · 09/08/2024 10:23

Why does he "obviously have to be there"? He's taken little or no interest in you or your life this far. I wouldn't even invite him. I would be interested to know how your mother feels about it too.

She’d have to return the £2000. And that would be a major slap in the face.

olympicsrock · 02/11/2024 19:46

It is important to have someone you trust completely there when you walk up the aisle . I was really anxious.
My dad and I were estranged so I asked my older brother to do it . It was perfect and I don’t regret the choice . Equally I could have asked my mum or father would have jumped at the chance but I chose was was good for me .

NelG43 · 02/11/2024 19:30

Stepdad has been there thru most of your life taking on dad's role think it would be nice for him to do it.
I personally would just sit down with dad and explain to him that your stepdad will walk you down the aisle and and if he goes on about why not him explain he doesn't really know you that well and hasn't been there for most your life, it's your choice but seems out the two stepdad is the better choice

Sharptonguedwoman · 21/08/2024 21:56

Mamabear487 · 21/08/2024 21:54

I never said I wanted a fairytale wedding or it to be 100% traditional. I want someone to walk me down the aisle hence the post!

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Fair enough, apologies if I misconstrued.

Original poster
Mamabear487 · 21/08/2024 21:54

Sharptonguedwoman · 21/08/2024 08:13

Getting married isn't the same as being 'given away'. We do lots of things that have a tradition behind them but we honestly don't have to. We can make our own traditions.
Put the fairy tale wedding bit on one side and think what you actually want that's meaningful to you.

Edited
Show quote history

I never said I wanted a fairytale wedding or it to be 100% traditional. I want someone to walk me down the aisle hence the post!

OP posts:
Sharptonguedwoman · 21/08/2024 08:13

Mamabear487 · 18/08/2024 11:34

Aren’t you a ray of sunshine. I’m surprised you ended up getting married with that attitude.

Show quote history

Getting married isn't the same as being 'given away'. We do lots of things that have a tradition behind them but we honestly don't have to. We can make our own traditions.
Put the fairy tale wedding bit on one side and think what you actually want that's meaningful to you.

Circlingthesun · 18/08/2024 12:03

Reading all the posts, I would walk down with your DSF as he was and is there for you and your DF isn't and hasn't been.

To me, it's about who's given you the most support over the years, which is your DSF as opposed to be nice since they found out about your wedding.

thursdaymurderclub · 18/08/2024 11:46

its your wedding, do what you want to do. if its your SD you want walking down the aisle then your Bio dad needs to just suck it up doesnt he?

however, you clearly have some kind of relationship with bio dad as you mention holidays and cash gifts.. so maybe your bio-dad thinks theres a relationship there when there really isn't?

we recently went to the wedding of my husbands step daughter. he was the one who raised her when her bio dad was absent, and he has only recently come back into her life. her mum walked her down the aisle, but both her step dad and her bio dad did father of the bride speeches, they both were present for the 'dress reveal'. they didn't have a top table, and they didn't do a father/daughter dance.. in fairness to the bridge and groom, they handled the situation very well all things considered

99problemsandthetimeis1 · 18/08/2024 11:41

If you don’t want to walk down with your mum… why not walk down with your fiancé? You said you weren’t traditional. Walking down together might be quite nice!

Original poster
Mamabear487 · 18/08/2024 11:34

Itsallok · 09/08/2024 10:50

I didn't have anyone give me away or walk me down an aisle. Why do women still do this anyway? Tradition? And you wsnder why husbands expect you to do what they say. You have been given to them by another male. The gig is up. You aren't a virgin. You have two kids. Why are you pretending to be s blushing bride? Pathetic

Aren’t you a ray of sunshine. I’m surprised you ended up getting married with that attitude.

OP posts:
FluentRubyDog · 17/08/2024 23:04

Well, I didn't have a stepdad and my father would sooner eat yak manure than pay for my wedding dress, but I might have writen this post myself. I resolved the walking down the isle issue by having him and my mom walk together (my siblings and I had a bet if they will get all the way down the aisle without either falling out or having another baby). I walked down the aisle on my own, though...

DreamTheMoors · 17/08/2024 23:03

Thank you for the offer.
John (step-dad) will be be escorting me.

NO APOLOGY.
AND NO FURTHER EXPLANATION.

Greengagesnfennel · 17/08/2024 22:57

Ask your DSD to walk you down the aisle pls. It will mean something so special to him. You ‘dad’ doesn’t sound capable of understanding what it really means. You have heard from people who have regretted not asking DSD. Don’t make the same mistake. If it causes some short term hassle with your dad it’s worth it to make the right decision that you can live well with. If he paid for a holiday, so what, sounds like he can afford it. It is probably a teeny tiny faction of what your DSD has spent on you over the years (with love not transaction in mind).