DP weird relationship with ex

Very very unreasonable. Controlling and paranoid. It would make me want to leave.

This is totally nuts. A coffee now and then and a lift equals in love? Crazy

I don’t think a lift or a coffee matter. It’s good for the child if they get along. It’s not a lot of time and why shouldn’t they talk? It’s better for the child if they get along. It’s not a weird relationship. It’s a normal coparenting relationship everyone should strive for. He shouldn’t show you her nasty texts. Ask him not to. And you should try to be less sensitive. There is no need for you to amplify the negativity.

He’s spending most of his money on his first family, coming to OP for top ups when he’s short before payday. So he is giving preferential treatment to the ex financially as well as being at the beck and call with his time, from what I have read.
Using OP as a bank. So she is useful there. What if she says she can’t afford to subsidise the ex as well as pay all for the baby? Refuses to give him extra money because his ex and elder daughter got it all?
He is not open about all his interactions with his ex, he is compartmentalising his life so his children don’t get to see each other…though a 3 month old…still, older child might like some time with a baby.

He’s been excluding his fiancée from being with his first child and if they are supposed to be getting married, is the step daughter not to stay over in the father’s family home with growing half sister and new wife? As the step daughter grows up, is he going to spend even more time with her away from OP, doing taxi runs for activities and friend events?

Now he is giving the silent treatment for 4 days so far , so he isn’t as understanding as she thinks. Silent treatment is abuse. It’s a form of punishment, not a resolution of issues, except a sign of ‘my way or the Highway’

I see red flags. I would not be marrying this guy. At least, not while he is so tied to the ex. Marriage is easy. If it goes pear shaped, and the signs are not good, divorce when a child is involved is not so easy, and it’s expensive as well as emotionally draining.

OP needs to step back and look at the whole finance, emotional tie, lies - even if it’s lying by omission to do as he wants in peace, his reaction to disagreement and challenges picture and take off the rose coloured specs. Sometimes, it’s still worth while but we are very good at kidding ourselves into bad situations because we see what we want to see. I’m not seeing much good in this guy.

He knew you’d be angry

I know you said he is otherwise good but I think you have to ask yourself he might help out with your baby but that’s standard is all the good outweighing his inability to blend his families, set boundaries with the ex and put your feelings above his exes and respect you. It’s a tough call and I don’t envy you. Xx

@kiana2015 https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/5028087-my-partner-goes-out-with-his-ex-more-than-me

try giving this a read. Might give you some clarity and more understanding as it’s on the step parent board so women who have to deal with ex affecting their lives

There you see op hes kind and caring qualities that you love about him are what likely prevent him getting confrontational with he's ex when she's slagging you off? You need to sit down and have a long hard think about can you get use to he's baggage 🧳 ( it might never change ) or if you want to go it alone with these points in mind. 1. Less support from him at home 2. You will have the ex happy dancing! 3. An annoying ex with the absents of cheating isn't massive enough to exit the relationship with a 3 month old? Has marriage been mentioned op?

All seems abit strange. I'm unable to offer any advice. Sorry

Either way one of he's children was going to benefit more the 3 month old gets time the other child gets more finances! Having a child is baggage 🧳 she's now got baggages he's got extra baggage... and 6 months done the line all for nothing and the circle will start again! Because we always wanna say hindsight is a wonderful thing! If I'd not been offered to get he's child's seal of approval 18 months in alarm bells would of been ringing like crazy!

Well hindsight is a wonderful thing.. she’s not otherwise happy tho, she’s voiced she’s not happy about the meet ups, the lies, the not feeling included and nothing had changed. I don’t know about chores and baby responsibilities but she is financially bringing the child up alone as she stated because he asks her for money when he has overspent on his first wife and child. I think just on what’s come out in this thread alone there is enough reason to say this isn’t for me. We’re all different and for me the bad here wouldn’t outweigh that he does the housework or changed the baby. That’s standard shit he should be doing

Because she had open eyes to this situation and pro created regardless! also she is saying she's no suspicion of him cheating! So if she's otherwise happy the solution is to work on a solution! Before throwing in the towel and being a single mother 3 months in I'm a single mom and managed very well but it's not ideal! Is he contributing to household chores, finances, bottle feeds? Has he been supportive as a new mom? Is he fun? Does she feel like he's her soul mate? If so solution/work/compromise if he's all around tosh consider fucking him off.

I’ve got 3 kids with my ex and we’ve been separated for 15 years, nothing has ever once happened. We DO have coffees, give each other a lift now and again and he always comes in for a cuppa with me and my husband if he’s here when picking up or dropping off the kids. It’s never, ever been weird. Some people can actually be adult about these things.

So if you wouldn’t tolerate it, presumably because you can see it is wrong why are you shocked she’s being told to walk away and also saying it’s trivial stuff and he is decent?! You contradict yourself. Given the wisdom you have found god only knows why you’d encourage another woman to waste years of her life with this man.

I agree re all the signs as does OP and I wouldn’t have gotten this involved with those signs but she has and is where she is now. Surely the best for her and her young baby is to let her very selfish husband go and make herself and her daughter a priority because he sure as shit isn’t going to.

come on, let’s stop telling women to settle for less

Not something I'd tolerate at all I'd never get involved with a nan who has kids they have baggage and co-parents! I learned that moons ago and the signs will of been there before op got pregnant! They was there actually 18 months before any sniff at meeting he's daughter.

Shocked that she would be advised to leave someone who doesn’t respect her? Prioritises his ex over her? Makes financial decisions that affect them both without consulting her then asking her to stump up because he spent too much on coffe dates, days out and general over expenditure on the ex and first born? Makes no attempt to tell his ex, I’ve moved on, I’m married, I have a baby and I want my daughter to be a part of that so she will be spending time with my wife, get used to it. Yea so trivial. Some have standards and a desire to be respected and when that isn’t met we aren’t happy. Clearly that’s not something that you could understand if you’d so happily tolerate this and say it’s trivial.

And I'm shocked that she's receiving the advise to leave him over trivial shit with 3 month old

Cuddles, helping with feeding, just watching the bub. Most young kids love a baby. Just general bonding. I honestly am shocked and have seen some of your points re nice after separation but that you condone her husband making NO efforts to blend his family before the birth and none after. He has no intention of ever blending his family and you’re saying he is decent and civilised. If you really believe that surely you must see that in the best interests of his first born and so she doesn’t feel rejected and pushed out he should of ensured his daughter was around before the new baby and after the baby was born. His behaviour is disgusting.

It's a 3 month old baby they sleep all day what kind of interaction would you be expecting?

@kiana2015 your updates get worse! I’m on the step parenting board because I needed a place to vent because it’s hard. SM gets fucking dragged over the coals when they say oh it’s my birthday and I couldn’t celebrate it because my partners kid wasn’t there I had to wait. Everyone saying well yes because that’s his family you can’t exclude the first child. Yes your life should wait because of the first child. Here we have a man excluding his second child from interacting with the first and apparently he is decent and civilised?! He is anything but decent and civilised!!! Please do not listen to people telling you this is ok, it is not. He is not treating you or his second child well. I think you should leave but be prepared he won’t treat his second child as well as his first, because he is not decent. Be prepared because this will hurt. He isn’t treating her right now where you’re together that won’t change if you’re apart.

*you're (apologies for typos, multi tasking as always!)

Often when people say this on here I think steady on, this is fixable, but you are being treated so poorly and the situation is so very unhealthy that I am going to say it: LTB!

If you leave him you don't have to deal with the secrecy and disrespect and being way down his list of priorities and people to keep happy. It just doesn't matter anymore then. And, hey, who knows? Maybe once your his ex too you will be on a pedestal for favourable treatment like his other ex is!

But In not just saying this for you, I'm saying this for the health of the family and your daughter. She is learning to be treated really poorly by men in a relationship when she sees how her dad treats you. Plus in the current situation she has no relationship with her sister. If you leave him, he will likely have both girls at the same time on several occasions so she will develop a relationship with her.

Hold your head high and walk away. You deserve so much more than this man putting you to the bottom of his list of priorities and humiliating you.