My partner goes out with his ex more than me?

[pplup2]

Hi! I recently met my boyfriend's son - we've been dating for 2 years. But I've noticed my boyfriend goes out a lot with his ex (his son's mother) and his son a lot, but never with me. I don't want to be pushy and ask for it, but it's hurting me that he isn't thinking of me but he is of her. She even invited him on a weekend away with her and their son... he said no, but the reason being because that weekend he's at work.

Am I wrong to feel upset? I'm struggling because this is my first relationship so understandably this is a lot to be learning about in a relationship. But is it really necessary for them to still be spending time together with their son if they aren't together anymore or considering getting back together?

I'm so confused because I trust him, but I don't understand why I'm not crossing his mind. Meeting his son and getting to spend time together with him means so much to me, but it doesn't seem like it does to him - he'd rather spend time with his son's mum. Any opinions are more than welcome.

[Alwaystransforming]

Different people have all different set ups when they split. It’s not necessary. But that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

The issue here is that you don’t like their set up and its impact on you. Understandably. It doesn’t work for you.

It’s not really about wrong or right. It’s about being compatible.

Is this a new thing?

[Illpickthatup]

I'd say it's quite unusual for someone to spend so much time, go on trips etc with their parents ex but it's good that they get on for the sake of their kid. The issue here is that he is not spending sufficient time with you and is prioritising his ex above you. That is not ok. It sounds like he hasn't moved on from his ex and isn't ready to have a new relationship. I'd leave if I were you. Find someone who appreciates you, respects your feelings and puts you first.

[Janpoppy]

It is totally reasonable that you want to have a boyfriend that prioritises you!

But, someone who has a child will tend to prioritize their children's needs and feelings - and that is presumably what your boyfriend is doing.

I am sorry you are having the shock of this this realisation two years into a relationship.

If the child in the situation is happy spending time with both mum and dad together then your options are to see if you can join the three of them, or let them get on with it. Would you be comfortable being responsible for reducing the pleasant times a child spends with his parents together?

It is not necessarily straightforward or easy to be in a relationship with someone who already has a child.

[determinedtomakethiswork]

Honestly, I would give this one up. He's too much trouble and has too much history. Find someone without a complicated past and you will be much much happier.

[Illpickthatup]

@Janpoppy

It is totally reasonable that you want to have a boyfriend that prioritises you!

But, someone who has a child will tend to prioritize their children's needs and feelings - and that is presumably what your boyfriend is doing.

I am sorry you are having the shock of this this realisation two years into a relationship.

If the child in the situation is happy spending time with both mum and dad together then your options are to see if you can join the three of them, or let them get on with it. Would you be comfortable being responsible for reducing the pleasant times a child spends with his parents together?

It is not necessarily straightforward or easy to be in a relationship with someone who already has a child.

There is a difference between prioritising your child and prioritising your ex. OPs DP could prioritise his child without booking trips away with his ex and leaving OP out.

It can actually be quite confusing for the child seeing their separated parents play happy families and makes it unlikely that OP or anyone else will ever be accepted as part of the family as the child will likely see them as being in the way of his parents getting back together.

My friend gets on well with her ex and they often spend time together however he also brings his new partner along so she is made to feel included as well.

[Illpickthatup]

@determinedtomakethiswork

Honestly, I would give this one up. He's too much trouble and has too much history. Find someone without a complicated past and you will be much much happier.

It's not really having a history or a child that's the problem, it's the fact that he hasn't moved on from his past relationship and is not interested in making time for his new one.

My DH has 3 kids however he doesn't go on trips with his ex or leave me feeling left out. I've never been made to feel like I'm not his priority and I've very much included as part of the family. One of the kids lives with us 100% and the other 2 50% yet he still manages to make time for me while ensuring the kids have everything they need.

[lunar1]

Having a child with a former partner doesn't excuse starting a relationship he isn't making space for in his life.

You are entitled you your own wants and needs from a relationship, it sadly sounds like he's using you.

[MrBanana]

I wouldn’t like it, I think it’s odd and I’d be concerned that they’re too emotionally enmeshed, still part of a family unit rather than two single people living separate lives and he doesn’t have capacity for a new relationship.

I always think if they get on so well why did the spilt up? Probably best just to have casual sex, not actual relationships to keep this ticking over for everyone involved.

Your BF can do what he likes but I would find someone who is available if it were me.

[pplup2]

@Janpoppy

It is totally reasonable that you want to have a boyfriend that prioritises you!

But, someone who has a child will tend to prioritize their children's needs and feelings - and that is presumably what your boyfriend is doing.

I am sorry you are having the shock of this this realisation two years into a relationship.

If the child in the situation is happy spending time with both mum and dad together then your options are to see if you can join the three of them, or let them get on with it. Would you be comfortable being responsible for reducing the pleasant times a child spends with his parents together?

It is not necessarily straightforward or easy to be in a relationship with someone who already has a child.

This is where I get confused! On Saturday morning I was working, which I don't usually on a Saturday, and he had his son that morning. He asked his child's mother to go to breakfast with them both. She politely declined saying she was dieting so didn't want to. He didn't take his son for breakfast, so in my eyes he made that plan for her - not for them. I asked him what should we do this weekend and he said nothing because he has no money. I think people's posts here saying he probably isn't over that relationship are opening my eyes a little bit. I think he might still see himself and her as something, and he likes being in that setting with her. It just feels strange is all that he goes out of his way for her but never for me. He isn't making himself available for me and I don't think it's fair.

[Sparetoes]

It's unusual but not necessarily a problem to be spending so much time with ex and their son.

It is a problem if he never gives you the same consideration and you don't do things together.

You're right about the breakfast thing.

[TryingToBeLogical]

It’s not fair and thankfully you are wise enough to see red flags like the breakfast thing. It’s almost like he wants to have two girlfriends. I know you have invested a couple of years, but I would let this guy go. People often treat others just as badly as they are allowed to. If you are new to relationships, you are at higher risk of someone treating you poorly, and counting on you to not know the difference.

I’m glad you are wise enough to know this isn’t right. Please stand up for yourself.

[pplup2]

@TryingToBeLogical

It’s not fair and thankfully you are wise enough to see red flags like the breakfast thing. It’s almost like he wants to have two girlfriends. I know you have invested a couple of years, but I would let this guy go. People often treat others just as badly as they are allowed to. If you are new to relationships, you are at higher risk of someone treating you poorly, and counting on you to not know the difference.

I’m glad you are wise enough to know this isn’t right. Please stand up for yourself.

This is a really kindly worded message, I really appreciate it. Thank you

[GlennCloseButNoCigar]

It’s a him problem, not a you or her problem. He’s triangulating you both, my ex does this with me and his gf. Or he tries to, it doesn’t work anymore because I have strong boundaries now.

I say this gently but it presents as he’s using you as a placeholder, it might not even be that he has romantic feelings for her anymore. But more just can’t let go and move on, he’s too comfortable and enmeshed with her.

Men like this usually don’t change because they don’t see an issue in their behaviour, personally I’d move on and not waste any more time on someone who isn’t making space for you in his life.

[Janpoppy]

Yes, some great points here about the difference between prioritising his child and wanting to maintain something with his ex.
And it does sound like he is doing some odd things if he is wanting to go out with his ex but then claiming he has no money to go out with you. And I do know of at least one situation where after the new girlfriend broke up with the dad he started to get cosy with his ex again and it then came to light he was saying inappropriate things to his ex while together with his girlfriend. That would be an awful situation so definitely not worth hanging around if it seems like he is trying keep one foot in both camps. You deserve much more than that.

[TryingToBeLogical]

I’ve seen other threads with this situation, where someone’s husband/boyfriend just slots himself right back in with his former family as he desires as if they were still married. The man in the situation is finding a way to have his cake and eat it too.  He has his nice family setup when he wants to with the ex-wife, and the new partner is almost like a side chick. The man of course doesn’t have any reason to change it and will fight against anyone altering the set up. 

This is why I worry about you, OP and came back to comment again. You said you were new to relationships. This isn’t right. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. This is not “for the sake of the children.” He’ll spend money to go out to breakfast with her, but doesn’t want to go with you. If he doesn’t change his tune very quickly, you need to move on. Don’t let him make you feel bad for objecting. People will always object when they are called out and some advantage that they are enjoying becomes threatened. It is just what they do.

There’s a phrase I heard once which is quite profound and something I wish I’d contemplated at the start of some former relationships: “when someone shows you who they are, believe them.”

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Your first relationship is too complicated (and he's enmeshed). Go out with someone simple next time.

[TheShellBeach]

Are you sure they've even split up?
Maybe you're an OW without realising it.

[Pennyforyour]

They sound far too enmeshed for people that have been (presumably) split up for at least 2 years.

in your shoes I’d throw him back. You’ll have an uphill battle trying to change the status quo.

[Expressions1]

Relationship needs to end . Not compatible .

[NorthCliffs]

This isn't a starter relationship. Work your way up to such complexities.

[purplediscoblue]

Personally for me as someone who’s now got a 2 year old with someone who has elder children. I would walk and even more so because it’s your first relationship. Don’t do it to yourself. Many men out there successfully co parent without going out every week with their ex. You deserve more and no matter what it’s not respectfjl
towards you and if your 2 years in things won’t change

[EG94]

You’ve invested a bit of time so I’d be honest and I would tell him that the contact with the ex seems unnecessary and it feels disrespectful. You are comfortable with them communicating only and exclusive about the child but anything else for you is not something you can do. Make it clear to him your boundary is this stops. If it doesn’t then you have been honest and open and you will love yourself and respect yourself enough to walk away xx

[EG94]

You’ve invested a bit of time so I’d be honest and I would tell him that the contact with the ex seems unnecessary and it feels disrespectful. You are comfortable with them communicating only and exclusive about the child but anything else for you is not something you can do. Make it clear to him your boundary is this stops. If it doesn’t then you have been honest and open and you will love yourself and respect yourself enough to walk away xx

[PinotPony]

It's not really about how much time he spends with his ex, it's about how much space he makes for you and whether you feel secure in the relationship. If he can't meet your needs, then you walk away.

FWIW, I spend a lot of time with my ex. He's still one of my best friends. We co-parent so do all the school / football stuff and go for meals or days out with the kids as a family. But we also walk my dogs on a Saturday morning, give each other lifts, pick up shopping if the other is unwell... I have no interest in him romantically (boak!) but obvious care about him as the father of my children.

That said, when my BF is here my focus is on him. He is my primary concern after the kids. He knows I love him and isn't threatened at all by the relationship I have with my ex.

[Pennyforyour]

@PinotPony

It's not really about how much time he spends with his ex, it's about how much space he makes for you and whether you feel secure in the relationship. If he can't meet your needs, then you walk away.

FWIW, I spend a lot of time with my ex. He's still one of my best friends. We co-parent so do all the school / football stuff and go for meals or days out with the kids as a family. But we also walk my dogs on a Saturday morning, give each other lifts, pick up shopping if the other is unwell... I have no interest in him romantically (boak!) but obvious care about him as the father of my children.

That said, when my BF is here my focus is on him. He is my primary concern after the kids. He knows I love him and isn't threatened at all by the relationship I have with my ex.

Can I ask, does your ex have a partner?