Is this odd for an 11 year old?

@Phonesthesedays - what about leaving her a note that she can respond to in some way? With maybe simple tick boxes that she can answer with, that you could maybe follow up with more notes? Sorry it's late and I can't think of words for your situation, but I've done this a few times with my 11yo who can clam up on things. For example, she actually started this by writing me a note about a private thing to which I responded with another note that said something like
"Thank you for telling me. Would you like to
[tick box] keep this between you and me for now,
[tick box] have Mum tell Dad,
[tick box] you tell Dad when you're ready,
[tick box] something else _"

Or don’t ask her if she’s having scary thoughts allow her the space and time and instead communicate to her about you and your thoughts and what you’re having whether scary or happy

it could even be something like when you’re just chatting in the car coming home from school or whatever Saying oh my goodness you wouldn’t believe it I had such a scary thought earlier. I thought I’d left the oven on but you know what I got Home I checked and I realised no it was fine. I was just a bit worried. I’m not really sure why I was so worried. Maybe I was a bit tired. Sometimes I know I do worry about things, but I also know that I’m really okay. Thanks for letting me tell you about it. I feel much better now. et cetera et cetera.

modelling and mirroring

https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/about-eating-disorders/types/bulimia/

not saying it is an ED but just to be mindful

OCD also a possibility, secrecy can be due to embarrassment

it may not be as dramatic as this but just to be aware.

could you start taking her out for little bonding trips, activities she likes just you and her, she may open up at some point if she feels closer to you.

If it were me OP, I’d have a visit with my GP and discuss it.

From your responses it seems like you could do with some support (we all do from time to time!) so I’d encourage you to get yourself in with a psychologist who you can debrief with and check in with periodically.

I wpuld concentrate for today on strategies for ensuring your daughter feels loved - in the way she can best accept it. That is 100% what she needs from you regardless of anything else. Do you know her love language? Gifts, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service or physical touch? My 10 yo is a physical touch kid and snuggles on the lounge has always been a way to help her regulate and connect. My eldest hates physical touch and responds much better to words of affirmation and quality time.

she has clearly picked up your distress. That won’t help anyone right now. Take a deep breath, let her know you are in control of your emotions, and find a way to communicate daily your love for her.

with professional support you’ll find your way through this, whatever it is.

It does sound worrying. What exactly does she want to be upset in peace about? Spending so much time in her room on its own may not be a major thing, but the locking herself in the bathroom too along with all the other changes, it does sound like she is troubled by something. My niece self harmed at a young age and we never completely got to the bottom of it but there was suspected to be bullying going on at school that she would not speak about.

see a gp. Try to get her to describe in her own words what is going on with her. Give the Dr a heads up ie at least 2 appointments. One with you on own initially and one with your DD. Try to speak/see same GP.

OP I haven’t RFTF but I’ve read your posts.
Just wanted to say how much this reminds me of myself at her age. My mood just dropped when I started year 7; nothing to do with high school I moved up with all my friends and loved it but just felt overwhelmingly sad a lot of the time.
I remember scrawling nonsense in a journal a lot to try and make sense of how I felt.
I started to become hyper, hyper aware of how I looked, the hair on my legs, anything I felt was now ‘babyish’ even down to my underwear i despised.

I vividly remember one day my dad offering to take me to the big park I loved as I was so low; 5 mins in to the car journey I just started to sob uncontrollably. I couldn’t speak, he had to take me home.

I can see it now as the start of puberty (my period came at 12) and just the absolute dump of hormones in my body. There is SO much change for a girl from age 11-14. It’s the end of being a little girl.

Just wanted to share that perspective.

I would think 11 or 12 is the age people start to get emotional about things. That childish view of the world starts to fade and it can be a tough time. I definitely became down and low on energy at that age and I developed young. My DD is 11 and very childlike still but I see some of her friends have started to pull away and according to their parents have been emotional or upset without cause. Hormones, basically. Poor girls they go through so much

Ok so she’s been alone with older boys… it could be something as ‘simple’ as piss taking or bullying or unrequited love or other inappropriate things

ocd and perfectionism are about control - the body and mind do not feel safe.

im so sorry this is happening I really hope you can get some clarity in what’s going on

take care of you as well

OCD is an anxiety disorder, perfectionism not particularly but certainly rituals and things having to be done a certain way and always checking things.

Individuals/children who are perfectionists are more likely to develop OCD then those who are not @Phonesthesedays. Similarly, not all people who go on to develop OCD display perfectionist tendencies.

That's all bigger picture stuff though. I understand that you suddenly may want to label the issue by way of an ED/OCD etc diagnosis but the priority now is to focus solely on the behaviours and distress that your daughter is displaying, what is atypical for her and when things started to change. That's what you need to bring to the professionals. Assumptions on ED and OCD aren't really helpful at the moment although I can fully understand why you are grappling with something to make sense of it all right now.

Hugs to you xx

The doors thing you mention is quite odd, possibly about feeling safe? Any adults she spends time with alone?

One of my first anxieties probably at a similar age was the car crashing, I couldn't bear the front seat because it felt so acute and intense to see the road rushing at me. Just a thought, along with the doors needing to be closed and the changing.

My daughter who is 13 was seeing lots of things about Gaza on TikTok and changed.

Get a handle on her screen time/ what she’s viewing. Wish I had.

Is your DH her father or is she living with an unrelated male?

This has huge red flags for sexual abuse. I'm sorry.

Obviously if your DH is her father it doesn't rule it out (at all) but if he's a stepfather/your boyfriend then that's a big risk to her.

Christ almighty, it should not have taken the reaction here, as a mother you should have known that you instinct would be never to further traumatise your daughter! You almost lost your daughter, you realise that? If she learned that you were in on this horrible stunt, she'd never speak to you about anything ever again. I cannot believe it even entered your mind, and you have a lot of long hard thinking to do, you really should be deeply ashamed of yourself. Never have I read anything so shocking from a mother herself, on this site. What you would have done, is abuse. Maybe worse than what she went through herself, whatever it is. I think there is a reason she doesn't confide in you after reading this, you clearly are not a safe person for her. Please, please report that teacher to the head for that suggestion. I'd even log that teacher with the Education Department. I am being very serious!

I apologise for my tone in my previous post, that I can't edit, but I was so shocked at your plan that I literally (and I never use this word) had tears down my cheeks. That is how horrifying that plan was.

That's actually a good idea!

I haven't read all the other posters replies, but one thing occurred reading your posts, could she have been traumatized by watching a horror film at a friend's house? The front seat of the car, and the doors closed things made me think of something like the person getting decapitated in Final Destination by a lorry losing its load. Doors shut to keep serial killer / monster out?

@SoreAndTired1 I can tell you feel really passionately about this. I’m really sorry if it has triggered something in you. OP is having a really tough time and I don’t think calling her initial plan (which was suggested by a professional and which she vetoed in the end) abusive is helpful or necessary. There is no evidence to suggest OP has ever been abusive and/or is anything but a caring and, understandably, worried mother.

Thanks for that. I was too late to edit my post/s. I have contacted Mumsnet myself for a talk about it and let them know. I am sorry for my reaction to the OP. Yes my reaction was based on something that happened to me, unfortunately.

Thank you for your very measured update, I’m so sorry something happened to you. I can completely understand why that might make you react that way. I hope you have had the opportunity to talk about it IRL and then was/is someone looking out for you.

Could she possibly be a little OCD? My dd was very anxious for a good few years & displayed (still does in some things) OCD behaviour. Could your dd subconsciously feel that, with the whole new, unknown, territory of secondary school, feel she is not 'in control' of those changes & is therefore trying to control her environment at home (again, subconsciously) to make it 'safe'. My daughter has certain rituals she has to carry out to make things 'balanced' & 'safe' for her. Just a thought!

Please just sit with DD and explain you are worried. Tell her you've noticed a change in behaviour and want to understand. You could tell her school have noticed too. Tell her you want to listen. Then actually listen. Ask probing questions.

I really think it will be something and nothing and you've escalated this in your mind to some serious.

Tell her if she doesn't speak up you need to take her to see the doctor . It might shock her into talking.

If she won't speak directly to you do you have a pet or her have a favourite teddy? Could she tell them and you listen?

I also find going for a walk or a drive takes the confrontation out of a situation and maybe sit in your bedroom and not hers so her safe space isn't breached.