AIBU to want to tell sibling I’m going no contact?

Understand the temptation but no good will come of it, they will not acknowledge any wrong doing or hurt they have caused. Older sibling wants a reaction it will actually be more annoyed if wedding smoothly moves to not having them involved. Go no contact, but more importantly try to moce on altogether as older sibling does not deserve the headspace.

If parents cant acknowledge the issues with older sibling I would go low contact with them too. I think cash gifts to save the house are not favourtism as most parents would struggle to see children and grandchildren loose home if they are in a position to help. No idea what parents thinking is with the rest of the times they take older siblings side.

Stop having conversations with your parents about this and don't respond when they moan or whatever... Look up grey rock if you don't feel able to completely cut them off but the dynamics are poor and they are central to that...
Re your older sibling sounds like you're hiding to nothing there but they will have their own view of the situation and have been trained in their role by your parents.....

Focus on enjoying the wedding and then maybe just step back from all of it a bit... Lots of drama and emotions... Let things cool down and decide what is important to you....

Honestly I think “going no contact” is the adult equivalent of saying “I’m not speaking to you”. Well put!

Just stop having anything to do with them. No need to dramatise it.

I agree with your DH.
And when your parents are in their final years and then die, you will have to have some contact with this sibling. An announcement of no contact may not be helpful to you in the longer term. Family relationships are a marathon not a sprint.

Did you and others miss the fact that youngest sibling was blamed for said hospitalisation by the parents and no doubt oldest sibling.
Contacting her would be yet more stress. Edited to add - just read they didn't know she had been in hospital.

On the one hand, it sounds like oldest sibling and their family have a lot going on: serious money problems, pregnancy loss, recent illness etc. if there are genuine issues, perhaps you and your younger sibling should try to see things from their perspective and with a little more compassion.

On the other hand, perhaps the oldest sibling and their family like to create drama: going no contact with their partner's family, going to hospital for a migraine?, going abroad and missing youngest sibling's rehearsal dinner and wedding without saying anything until they were called. If this is the case, I would just quietly drop them. No need for a big show down or argument, grey rock and be civil if you bump into them at family events but no longer make efforts to see or help them, arrange to meet them etc. Not attending a sibling's wedding that you had agreed to attend to go abroad (on holiday?) is pretty unforgivable imo. Your parents should absolutely call them out on this. Sounds like your sibling won't actually go no contact with your parents as they need financial support from them.

No need to announce anything, it will just cause a row. Fade out of contact to the fullest extent possible and focus on the things that make you happy, not the things that rile you. You will never fix someone who sees the world a certain way.

No need to announce anything, I'm in a very similar family dynamic. Haven't seen my sibling since Xmas, they only visited then as I had another family member staying they wanted to visit. We barely spoke. I'm done. I'm done with them being favoured by parents, I'm LC with both my parents also and I'm much happier for it. It's toxic and I'm not having my children exposed to it.

Too convoluted a tale for me to even bother reading it. You want to go no contact, but you want to announce your "disappointment" with older sibling's behaviour. Who made you judge and jury over someone else? Just stop contacting her and don't respond to her calls/messages. No need to make it worse than it already is.

So your younger sibling was in the huff with the eldest, but still wanted them at the wedding?

It does all sound rather vindictive, kudos to your older sibling for ending the fight (the way to win the fight is to end the fight).

As with all these types of golden child threads, there's always two sides. You don't want closure, you want a showdown, and I hope your sibling doesn't give you that opportunity.

@Lostwelshlady

My husband says not to bother and to just accept the relationship is now over without bothering to tell them I’m going no contact, but part of me feels I need to tell them how disappointed I am just to get some kind of closure. WWYD?

OP your husband's approach is the right one. You feel you need to jump in and be your younger sibling's white knight in this instance, but it's really not going to achieve anything positive- not for you nor them. In fact you'll get rained in from a huge height by the golden older sibling, plus your partial parents. You will just put yourself in the wrong, in their eyes and the eyes of their flying monkeys. Why waste your energy?

Your strategy should be to withdraw, quietly and without any discussion with anyone except your husband, and go very very low contact with them. Grey Rock them (google that) and focus on your own life and nuclear family, your friends, work and interests and be as impervious as possible. Live your best life, protect yourself and let others get on with theirs. Quietly, subtly, invite your younger sibling round to your home and enjoy each other's company with no announcement to anyone. No fuss, no muss. Drop the rope. 🌹

I think this would be one of the times when hearing the story from both other sisters might change things.

The Op has presented it as a Cinderella story of the spoilt favoured older one and the lovely hardworking younger pair

But if she's so nasty, why is the youngest upset she isn't coming. Surely she's relieved that her parents will have their attention for once on her...

So maybe the dynamic is a bit different. Op leads the youngest by the nose to gang up on the oldest.

It's possible.

Your dh is right. Announcing NC will look like a strop and anything you say to oldest won’t be considered and weaponised against you at a later date. I’d only do it to shift the blame from youngest, otherwise it’s totally pointless and you won’t feel better when your sibling ignores and parents enable.

It should be noted this isn’t the first time- approx 1 week before my due date last year with my first baby they announced they had a miscarriage (no one knew they were pregnant), and when sibling announced their engagement and set the wedding date they announced they intended to renew their vows approx 3 weeks after the wedding.

Generally I agree with you but this paragraph makes you sound a bit mad. So what if they did those things? Why does that matter?

Honestly your whole family sound dramatic and difficult (except your younger sibling).

I would dial back on contact with the parents and older sibling equally, except I doubt you will stick to it because families like yours always return to drama eventually.

Fuck me OP, I would love to hear your siblings side of the story. I was kind of with you until you describe them announcing a miscarriage 1 week before your due date as sabotaging your happiness. I'm pretty sure they don't control the timing of when these things happen - if they'd have announced it a week after your baby was born, that wouldn't be any less sabatoging your happiness when you had a brand new baby from that point of view, so do they just not get to tell their family a devastating event to spare your happiness. I'm sure your happiness wasn't impacted as much as your siblings.

The fact you even think that makes me wonder how much your sibling is aware of what sounds like quite resentful feelings towards her. No wonder she is off on holiday.

Going NC is a big, big deal. It is life-altering. It should only ever be used as an absolute last resort as it will have long-tern consequences, not only for the sibling you go NC with but for your relationships with your whole family.

Here are some questions to ponder which you may find helpful whilst you come to a decision:

1. Am I prepared never ever to speak with my sibling ever again, even if my feelings towards them change? Even if I need them one day?
2. Am I going NC to protect myself or to show solidarity with my sibling?
3. Is it genuinely my desire to go NC, or do I just want to let my sibling know how angry I am, and am using the threat of NC as a weapon to 'prove' how angry I am?
4. How would I feel if my youngest sibling's relationship with the oldest dramatically improved in years to come, and they became close? Would I be happy to still be on the outside?
5. How would I feel if my going NC caused anguish and pain to my parents? How will I explain it to them if they express their anguish to me?
6. In a hypothetical situation whereby one of my parents, close to death, begs me to reconcile with my sibling, will I still be confident in explaining and sticking to my NC, even at the risk of breaking my parent's heart?
7. Am I sure in myself that going NC is to protect myself and not out of feelings of jealousy or resentment that the oldest sibling appears to be the favoured one?
8. What will be the plan for future family gatherings, since I and my NC-sibling cannot be in the same place at the same time? Who will broker a fair arrangement by which we take family gatherings in turn?
9. When my parents pass away, who will be the family member who will broker communications with my sibling and me, since we will not be speaking? What if we are joint executors?
10. What will I tell my children, should they ever want to meet their aunt/uncle?
11. Finally, can I accept that if I tell my sibling I'm going NC, they may also have long held (and in their view justified) resentments they want to communicate to me? Am I ready to hear and respond to these?

If you're confident you're prepared/have firm answers to all these questions, you're ready to go NC. Good luck. It is heart-breaking, but sometimes necessary for self-protection.

I agree with your husband. Don't say anything, but equally there is no reason to contact or visit your elder sibling. Over time, they will just disappear from your life.

The Op has presented it as a Cinderella story of the spoilt favoured older one and the lovely hardworking younger pair

In one of OP's replies I note that the parents were working a lot and 'put the oldest in charge of the younger two'.

it sounds like the oldest was parentified at potentially quite an early age and this too can cause damage and resentment.

As you say, the other side would be interesting especially as it sounds like the oldest and their family is currently really going through it.

I was with you until this:

approx 1 week before my due date last year with my first baby they announced they had a miscarriage (no one knew they were pregnant)

I am sure, no matter how vindictive you think your older sibling is, that they didn’t miscarry their baby to steal the thunder from you having yours. It’s absolutely unbelievable that you think your sister should have kept their miscarriage a secret because you were having a baby. I think the fact that you’ve mentioned that shows who you are and probably explains why your parents side with your older sibling.