Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel broken by 12 year old DD and to ask for help

110 replies

Edenspirits73 · 17/06/2024 04:49

Year 7, 12 year old DD is pushing every boundary and I am struggling to manage it all. It feels relentless and she won’t listen to anything we say. On Friday we had a call from the school to say she had been in pastoral talking about self harming which was like a bolt from the blue- I didn’t handle it very well as I got really upset when she got home as it felt like i don’t know my child anymore.

She started her periods right at the start of year 7 and it’s felt like since then it’s been an out of control battle as she is desperate to push every boundary. She started bunking lessons quite early on, is quite wild in school and doesn’t take it seriously. She wants to do stuff after school every day that feels too grown up (we live in a small city) and it’s all about being out and about. She’s only interested in her phone, wants to be in her room on her own constantly, Won’t do school work, won’t do any activity that she used to do. She talks about wanting to vape, wanting to try weed. She’s 12 FFS.

We grounded her and took her phone after she got into trouble in school for a weekend and that made no difference- she just doesn’t care. She speaks to me like I am an idiot and just doesn’t respect any boundaries. She feels out of control and it’s come from nowhere. She doesn’t care about school at all.

i just don’t know what to do - I feel broken and a failure. My 16 year old DS is just coming to the end of GCSEs and it’s put a strain on him too. He’s been the total
opposite. We are going on a family trip in a few weeks on Europe to celebrate the end of exams and I am dreading it as DD is just so horrible to us all. My DH is at the end of his rope too.

I am trying to get her a counsellor for the
self harm - that has come out of the blue also and she has said we aren’t allowed to talk to her about it. I am scared to do anything - we are just trying to understand what is happening to my lovely child.

She told me yesterday that one of her friends parents doesn’t believe in punishment and that we are awful parents for grounding her but we were just trying to put some boundaries in place. I have been trying to have rules around phone use but she kicks off about that too- my rule is no phones in bedrooms after 9pm- I just want her to have a break and have proper rest.

I feel broken - she knows she is loved- we tell her all the time that we are here for her no matter what etc. Nothing seems to make a difference.

It’s affecting my mental health - I am so worried all the time and I am not enjoying life as I am in a constant state of anxiety about what will happen next. It’s making me ill. I feel like crying all the time. I know it sounds ridiculous but I sometimes feel bullied by DD.

Aibu to ask for some advice - I feel lost. I have emailed a counsellor for DD so hoping that will help.

OP posts:
Auntimabelsbudgie · 17/06/2024 05:21

Why is everyone so keen to have a label?

Update - edit
So sorry,I did not mean to post this here, but MN rules don't allow chane of context or full deletion of original wording, if you used edit button.

Original poster
Edenspirits73 · 17/06/2024 05:13

ProfessorPeppy · 17/06/2024 05:09

PMDD is worth investigating with the GP, too:

https://www.webmd.com/women/pms/premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder

There’s a high correlation with neurodivergence, but any girl/woman can be affected.

Thanks - interestingly I have just been diagnosed with PMDD triggered by menopause. Consultant said it’s really common in peri women. I have been getting DD to track her cycle using an app since she started her periods- it’s not something she wants to talk about at the moment but it’s useful I think.

OP posts:
musicalfrog · 17/06/2024 05:07

Aww hopefully just a glitch then and as said above it will hopefully pass. I'm sure you'll get your girl back. It's awful having to go through this though. At least she's young enough that you still have an element of control and can help her.

I'd say it might be worth a trip to the GP to check her hormones. I don't know much about it but maybe they can be balanced a bit to help her?

Original poster
Edenspirits73 · 17/06/2024 05:06

ProfessorPeppy · 17/06/2024 05:02

Firstly, what was she like previously? Is this a bolt out of the blue or were there signs at primary?

It sounds like a failure to transition to secondary. There could be numerous reasons for this, including finding the lessons tough, making poor social connections or having high anxiety around school.

Make an appointment with school to discuss an action plan. If they think it’s appropriate, they can suggest you make a GP appointment as the first step to any assessment (she might - or might not - be ND).

Lock down her phone so that she just has calls/messaging. No social media, no internet. Charge it downstairs at night.

Sit down with her and explain what you’re doing and why - to help her. Tell her you’re concerned that she’s extremely unhappy, and explain the steps you’re taking to address it.

Thankyou - that’s all really good advice esp the stuff about failing to transition properly to high school - I have spoken to the school about it a few times and they haven’t been great but am hoping now pastoral is involved, they might listen more.

This has been a bolt out of the blue to be honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenspirits73 · 17/06/2024 05:03

musicalfrog · 17/06/2024 04:59

What was she like when she was younger OP? Has this all changed since periods started or were there issues before?

It’s al started since year 7 and periods. She was a sweet, kind and fun girl - loving and generous. It’s like she has had a personality transplant.

I worry so much as sometimes it also seems like she has the weight of the world on her shoulders - I said to her yesterday that it was mine and her dads job to carry all of this and she didn’t need to.

OP posts:
ProfessorPeppy · 17/06/2024 05:02

Firstly, what was she like previously? Is this a bolt out of the blue or were there signs at primary?

It sounds like a failure to transition to secondary. There could be numerous reasons for this, including finding the lessons tough, making poor social connections or having high anxiety around school.

Make an appointment with school to discuss an action plan. If they think it’s appropriate, they can suggest you make a GP appointment as the first step to any assessment (she might - or might not - be ND).

Lock down her phone so that she just has calls/messaging. No social media, no internet. Charge it downstairs at night.

Sit down with her and explain what you’re doing and why - to help her. Tell her you’re concerned that she’s extremely unhappy, and explain the steps you’re taking to address it.

user1494050295 · 17/06/2024 05:00

It may all calm down as she has entered year 7 and lots going on. My daughter came home saying by she wanted to vape too. She didn’t in the end. I would ask does she do any sport? Apart from keeping them busy they are then not on their phones. Do they have after school clubs too. Hopefully this is a short growing phase as she goes through her first year of secondary. Good luck

musicalfrog · 17/06/2024 04:59

What was she like when she was younger OP? Has this all changed since periods started or were there issues before?

HedgehogHills · 17/06/2024 04:54

That sounds so hard. I have no advice I'm afraid, as my children are a bit younger, but just wanted to give you a hand hold and hopefully someone else will be along soon who can help.