To feel broken by 12 year old DD and to ask for help

Bit late posting here but just wanted to give you a hand hold. How awful for you, sounds really stressful.
I’ve been through a similar thing, and have now come out the other end. When my daughter was in year 8 she suddenly changed. We went through hell, she was self harming, drinking alcohol, vaping, smoking weed, inhaling nitrous oxide, putting her self in risky situations. I had CAHMS input, ended up going on a parenting course, support from the school. The lowest point was a suicide attempt. Everyone kept telling me she would come out of it at the other end & we just had to ride the waves.
And they were right. I now have an amazing, sensible 16 year old who is sensible, reliable, hard working & lovely to be around! She a completely different person!
I really hope this is also a temporary state for you, I remember well how worrying everyday was. Sending love

Both my girls struggled with secondary school transition and developed debilitating OCD, self harm, depression. Both are now on an SSRI medication which I NEVER thought I’d be giving a child but it’s been transformative for them. We are still working to get youngest back into school but change only really started when we stopped trying to fight them and realised that their behaviour came from fear. Its taken a lot to win my youngests trust because I was effectively pushing her to do the very thing she was terrified of (school) she has been subsequently diagnosed as ASD and ADHD which has startled most people as she masks so well, even within the home. Teenage girl parenting has challenged us in ways I didn’t think we could recover from as a family but, slowly, we’re getting there. As will you.

Remember OP all behaviour is communication. I had a friend who cut herself at school. She used to say it made the inside stop hurting when the outside hurt. Good job on getting her into counselling!

It's good to hear from you again OP, been thinking about you.

I'm sure it's been mentioned already (I haven't read every post) but have you thought about the possibility that processed food might be causing an issue? I know it can affect behaviour in some cases.

Also, well done to the MN community. I've been quite stunned by the detailed and empathetic replies on this thread, which I'm sure have given the OP some comfort. And gives me comfort for the future when and if any of us might need such support 🙏

I wish you courage and strength. My daughter is now the most emotionally intelligent woman I know. This was the most terrifying experience of my life, one I never felt adequate to. She is a wonderful mother of two. My 10 year old grandaughter emails me everyday and it’s like the love affair I never quite managed with her mum. With funding, my daughter has built a small therapy centre where she spearheads innovative treatment for broken families and disturbed children. The challenges were huge, the rewards have been massive. I wish you a similar outcome. The therapists we found were angels.

@Edenspirits73 that’s great to hear. Just one thing about the phone - I agree that they definitely have a massive impact on the lives of secondary age kids, but I’d be wary about removing it completely. Even after my DD had put herself in massive danger through something she did online and I called SS, when they visited they advised not to remove her phone. They all have them and it’s the main way they socialise these days, she’ll definitely be the odd one out if she doesn’t have one. But it’s absolutely ok to limit the time she has on it/what she can do on it, and of course check it whenever you want to. If it’s an iPhone you can set up parental controls very easily, I turn my DD’s screentime off via my phone whenever she’s being particularly difficult and refusing to do something I ask of her. I can also set it so that she’s only able to use it between certain hours.

My periods really affected my mood badly, I think PMDD but was never diagnosed (and gave me significant debilitating pain) and I now take the progesterone only pill and don’t get them any more. The levelling affect on my mood has been miraculous. I’m not sure if they’d want to do that for a 12 year old but might be worth exploring.

My daughter went through an extreme version of these behaviours. I was a young mum and her dad was absent and anyway he was not responsible enough to be any use. She began at the age of 12 and the whole episode increased in intensity as she grew older. Unsuitable people, drugs and running away., self harm etc. I sought therapy for her. I think physical and hormonal factors were definitely to blame. Often a kind of psychosis like might happen in a postpartum situation. It was as bad as you can imagine. I could write a book. I was the main target for her hatred. I would not let her go even when she lied about her home life to teachers and social services. The therapy she had helped her and it began the long road to recovery. Including things I regard as miracles. She became interested in psychology and trained as a psychiatric nurse. I later discovered that she had been sexually assaulted so do try to discover a cause for a sudden behaviour change. I am happy and proud to say she is now a Child and Family Therapist working abroad and highly respected in her field. She also loves me now and has said sorry often. I think the main thing I did was never to leave her or reject her. I just wanted to share a compact version of our story and to let you know if you maintain your courage and stick by her and get a therapist involved you mend this frightened angry child and help an amazing woman to develop who is able to help other trouble kids.
iIt was the most challenging part of my life and we got through and have a close relationship. I may join her abroad soon if the country lets me in.

This. Limit the phone internet and tv

Encourage sport team sports. Fitness.
Netball. Football. Camping. Anything

Consider switching schools. Private? Smaller?

Another one to back up the person who suggested Sport.

I could have written this 3 years ago. It’s puberty and secondary school - my then 12 year old daughter was seen by CAMHS psychologist (still sees her) and I was advised not to let her spend time on her own where she could be self harming. My daughter also talked about suicide and I was told I had to keep her physically close at all times. My daughter told me what she had been using to cut herself and I had to confiscate it and check in that she hadn’t harmed herself every day.

Use the phone call from school as a turning point and sit your daughter down and explain how worried you are about her, how much you want to help her and that you love her and hate that this is how she feels (I’m sure you have but actually make these statements together and deliberately if that makes sense)

If she has scars, or wounds, then make sure she is treated. It’s out in the open now so you must talk about it with her and monitor it. My daughter stopped self harming almost immediately, but did start again very briefly as a one off a year later, so it’s important to maintain everything. Remove her phone, she really doesn’t need it. Let her choose something you and she can watch together (I remember we watched The Good Place) maybe? Choose a board game, go out a walk, take her out 1:1 to dinner? Something that gives her your undivided attention - these things worked practically to get my daughter out of the absolute mental hell she was in.

I completely empathise and if you want to pm me I’m more than happy - it was a very scary time but with the right support you and she can get back to a positive relationship. My daughter has just finished her exams, is looking to go to uni, and no, it’s not perfect, but the difference is night and day. We’ve also just started family counselling but it’s taken this long for the referral to come through.

You need support and advice to deal with this. It's incredibly difficult.

Parenting mental health on Facebook has some great stuff, and they also have a course called partnering not parenting. It's very young to have to start, but best to get in now. It sounds like hormone related which I think was the same with my dds

PMDD

Oh OP - I really sympathise. I do think transition to secondary can be such a culture shock -and combined with hormones etc can affect girls in so many different ways.

I am lucky that my DD didn't react in the same way - but she did have major issues those first few months at secondary. She was confident and happy at primary, but when they moved up things changed quite fast. She had a small friendship group who had known each other for ever, plus a bestie. But by about the October they had all decided my DD was immature (she doesn't do make up or trout pout selfies, and yes - maybe is quite happily young for her age and enjoying that) - so she had a horrible few months where her whole world was turned upside down and she suddenly had to experience having no friends/having people be mean to her. Nothing she had ever come across before. She came home in tears some times and I felt heartbroken for her.

Luckily she made new and better friends (fortunately just before lockdown) and has been Ok ever since - but it was a real culture shock.

I've no experience of what your DD is going through, but I do think it can be a really hard time. Getting a counsellor will help, I'm sure. Try not to blame yourself - you sound a great Mum and it's just a stressful time for teenage girls. They do need to build resilience, but how you/we do that I just don't know. Good luck!

Hello there mum . Mum of 3 girls now in there 20's . All we want is a lovely family life . Boom in come the hormones and other issues . One of mine went off the rails despite us trying to live a perfect family life . Confiscating phone or keeping her in didn't work . She kept bad company and only one of the other parents involved cared . It was a hard road . CAMHS let me down as so many kids in same boat . You know as a mum you can't put your head on the pillow at night until you know your kids are ok . Also hope you get support for yourself as it can affect you mentally . Trying to juggle demanding job , trying to maintain calm in house and support all of your kids . She thinks she does have a menstrual disorder that effects her moods etc . Thankfully she does let me in now .But she is not a sharer like me . Fortunately she speaks to her sisters every day and they are close and support each other. I have to respect this as she is an adult now . Also she is such an amazing girl who has so much empathy for others in her job . Lots more support available now . But only if your daughter is prepared to communicate with them . Hopefully this will happen . Stay strong mum , you are not alone xx

I agree with this.

You need to get her to a doctor. A gynecologist would be best. Don't delay. PMDD can be brutal in young teens.

Is there a sport she enjoys? I know that sounds like a nerdy answer but I’ve been there with one of mine and having a healthy thing to be into with something to aspire to, a little bit of competition etc can bring out the best in them. Especially if the coaches are good.

Anything from netball to kick boxing. It just helps them express themselves and grow.

OP, it sounds very, very hard.

I do want to encourage you to try to see your DD as someone who is struggling very badly with something that is happening to her.

It feels a little from your posts that this has become your trauma (you losing your wonderful child/ feeling bullied/dreading holiday, the trauma of feeling you don't know your child etc), and that you are seeing her as the cause..... all of this is totally understandable, and is indeed happening to you- but bringing that as the lens to how you manage your daughter won't help her. Those things aren't her issue, they are yours. She is going through something really tough that is happening to her, and she is suffering, and needs her parents as compassionate coaches and boundary setters (ie in full calm, adult mode, not traumatised, fearful mode). This is hugely difficult to do, (especially in light of your PMDD - I'm dealing with similar and struggle to be ok at the best of times, without managing a teen on top), but if you can do it, I think it could help.

Your DD actually strikes me as trying to work her way through this and at least sometimes, do the right thing. She is expressing to you her temptations (weed etc). That is actually very open and mature... she wants to talk and have guidance would be my guess. She is raising with you how you are with her and what she would like - again trying to have a conversation and yes there will be a conversation to be had about which boundaries are right and which not at her age). She told the school she is wanting to self harm, rather than do it. That is a clear cry for help. These to me aren't rebellions they are an expression that she is having thoughts that scare her... that make her feel that she doesn't know or like herself anymore- that she has no idea what to do. I would meet these with some serious love and kudos for the courage to be open. If these are being met instead with panic or reproach from you those tell her she's on her own, that yes, it is scary, and that how she is handling it - despite trying to communicate, is all wrong. Your reaction and disappointment in her is another thing she has to manage on top of whatever trauma and confusion about her shift to puberty is also causing. She probably senses that you mourn the 'little girl' who was so so lovely, but she can't choose to become that again, so what is she meant to think? That she is bad, she is now someone who causes you pain, who has become someone who will never be as liked as before. It's great she knows she is loved, but does she know you are excited for her growing up, her flourishing ability to think critically (including criticising your parenting!), her totally on-schedule valiant push for self determination, her courageous openness in telling you that she is having new desires to experience life, or to reach out to adults when she is struggling?

I'm sorry if none of this is useful. I obviously don't know anything beyond what you have posted, so I hope it helps a little.

This is exactly the same experience we had. DD behaviour (whilst not as wild as OP) was really difficult and still is challenging for all those reasons. She’s also developed OCD which we were a bit dismissive of at first not understanding the extent of it and then it became debilitating and she started self harming. We didn’t see any of this at first, just the bad behaviour but then she crashed and hasn’t been to school since the end of last year. I’d wage there are all sorts going on underneath that isn’t immediately obvious.

Do you know what behaviour is like in the school generally?

I'd suspect the friend without boundaries may be having a lot of influence and she may not be the only one. Has she got new friends she didn't have in primary?

I'm not saying move her now, but I'd start investigating different schools. She may need to be moved away from influences where she is and have a fresh start. This can be your back up plan if things don't change.

Before resorting to that though I would:

• keep putting in consequences
• communicate with school and make it clear that you want her behaviour to change and that you'd like some support around self harm
• keep communicating with her and let her know you love her, give her opportunities to tell you if there is something upsetting her, and keep talking about the long term consequences of following that path of behaviour.
• get her a hobby/sport to keep her busy and hopefully build positive friendships outside school.

I feel your pain OP. I have DDs 14 and nearly 16. It all sounds terribly normal though … sorry it just does! Teenagers are notoriously annoying, challenging and know everything. I was reading this yesterday https://www.tusla.ie/uploads/content/Teenagers_Wellbeing_d3.pdf we live in Ireland. It’s quite insightful. I’m a single parent and attending my third parenting course … this is when our DCs need us the most! Your DD is still the kind, sweet girl she always was … the only thing we can do is educate ourselves and ride out the storm.

I found this really helpful too sent to me by my daughters therapist.

I don’t know about your DD but my DD’s phone turns her into a monster. We have to limit her access to it every day. She’s only allowed on it 20mins at a time without doing a different activity, it’s not allowed in her room unless for a specific purpose that she asks about and we have found that this has improved her mood swings hugely, she recognises it herself too and will set her own alarms for access.