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Original poster

boyfriend of 6 months shared sexual history | AIBU

165 replies

brandnewsomething · 14/06/2024 11:51

hi all, reaching out as I need an outsider’s opinion on a moral dilemma I’m having after my boyfriend of 6 months told me he’s had short, sexual relationships with a 19 yo, 20 and 21 yo at the age of 28.

For context, he is currently 31 and I am turning 29. He hasn’t dated in 2 years and we met through mutual friends. We are long distance. My friends are very in the know of our relationship journey and have approved him because they’ve seen his positive effects in my life—stability, kindness, generosity, effort, intention, servitude. But I’m starting to question everything now.

When I encouraged him to consider how problematic that is and the power dynamic of that age gap, he was very much on defense.

At first, his response was to insist that it was only casual sex and not full blown relationships, which didn’t make me feel better or feel like he understand the moral issue.

By the end of the conversation, he admitted that it was questionable behavior and said it’s not something he would do again. It’s hard to tell if he was genuine about this or just agreeing with me to end the conversation and move on.

I haven’t been able to move on, or continue acting like everything is OK and I know he can tell.

I reached out to him today to share that I still felt conflicted and needed some time and space to be introspective and draw out my boundaries. He again gave me mixed responses. He first told me he respected the space needed but later in the conversation he emotionally withdrew and told me if I’m planning to with him to let him know so he can let go.

I felt so uncomfortable ending the call because I was not proposing a breakup but he took it there. I feel uncomfortable retelling this.

If I had shared this info with me on our first date, it would have caused me to exit. but because I’ve experienced 6 months of comfort and safety with this person, I’m very confused.

I’m reaching out for compassionate insight, because I’ve grown to love this man and this information he’s shared with me is causing a huge inner conflict.

I don’t know whether to stay and work it out or take the signs and cut things off before I get in too deep.

Kind feedback welcome, my heart is feeling tired <3 thanks in advance

OP posts:
KreedKafer · 14/06/2024 12:30

Howbizarre22 · 14/06/2024 12:08

Speak for yourself.

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Who else would you expect her to be speaking for?

Muffin101 · 14/06/2024 12:30

brandnewsomething · 14/06/2024 12:29

I can’t believe he said that it wasn’t my business 😭😭😭😭😭 this man is in my home….I deserve to feel safe with him no

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Good grief, I read wrong. Edited to delete my silly post!! Sorry!

Original poster
brandnewsomething · 14/06/2024 12:31

AIstolemylunch · 14/06/2024 12:21

I get it OP. Its icky and says something about his character that you need to be aware of if you go into a serious relationship with him. 28 and 21 wouldnt bother me i dont think but 28 and 19 is not great. Lots of men (and women apparently) think thats fine but I have a 19y old (a modern one, before i get all the responses about fought in the first world war, was married with 2 kids by then etc) and they are not mature enough for healthy sexual relationships with 28y olds.

The thing is its not really a big deal now at your ages, just a little questionable. But ask yourself how you will feel if you end up with this guy and he starts shagging the young 21y old graduate at his office when he's in his mid forties. Thats the danger I think. Men that like young women dont generally change their tastes as they get older. You only have to look at the porn that some middle aged men consume to confirm that.

Thank you! This is eye opening. 🤍

OP posts:
aerkfjherf · 14/06/2024 12:31

brandnewsomething · 14/06/2024 12:26

Thanks so much for this. I also forgot how normalized age gaps are and I think I triggered a lot of people in the comments. 🥲

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what do you mean by "triggered"? you asked what people think and they told you. I think it sounds very passive aggressive to accuse people of being "triggered". can you explain what that even means to you?

AIstolemylunch · 14/06/2024 12:32

I'm much older than you, amd all I can say is I wish I'd had this conversation with men in my life at your age and I k ow many womne in their forties and fifties do also. So I think youre being very sensible to comsider whether your values align or not. Its all cool and fun when you're in your twenties. It's not so much fun when you're stuck at home with kids/babies or going through the menopause and you find out your partner, who has aged along with you, is sleeping with his secretary, hiring prostitutes, embarrassing him and you by trying it on with young girls at the office. All these things have happenend to friends of mine who used to think their partners were 'cool'.

Only you can decide whether his sexual experience rings any alwarm bells for future behaviour. I think its good you are questioning this though.

SanFranBear · 14/06/2024 12:33

YABU and sound like a bot! Who talks like this....?

Thriving30 · 14/06/2024 12:33

Is the 'moral dilemma' that he is having casual sex in the first place? Because honestly I don't think the age gaps are an issue, as others have said they are all consenting adults. I can understand it making you feel uncomfortable if you don't agree with casual sex at all.

Tristar15 · 14/06/2024 12:34

I can understand why this has given you the ick. I went out with a guy who was divorced with kids, I then found out that he had married his wife when she fell pregnant at 21 with his child, he was 32. I thought it was gross. Didn’t want to see him after that.

TigerWhiskers · 14/06/2024 12:35

It sounds like you've got the ick.

Don't ignore that. If you start ignoring your feelings....where will that lead?

AIstolemylunch · 14/06/2024 12:36

SanFranBear · 14/06/2024 12:33

YABU and sound like a bot! Who talks like this....?

Have you been to California? 😂

(no offence OP 😁)

Original poster
brandnewsomething · 14/06/2024 12:37

Amch · 14/06/2024 12:13

@brandnewsomething I do understand why you are feeling this way. I can see how you probably feel a little paranoid that he typically went for much younger women in the past, I do find it just a little odd too, particularly the 19 year old. It does make you question his intentions having sex with a teenager 10 years his junior. Not the most manly thing and not exactly romantic or kind. Then again, you don’t know - maybe she looked and acted a lot older (we can straight away think of fresh out of college, semi vulnerable young girls but perhaps that wasn’t the case).

I know i’m not being helpful in any way but wanted to say I do get it. I don’t think you are being unreasonable and can’t help how you feel.

I do think you need to go with your gut - what kind of man is he RIGHT NOW? Do you trust him? Would you break his heart if you left? Would he fight for you? Is there a certain future?

Wow. these questions are so helpful and so important and speak right to my anxiety. Thank you thank you thank you.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 14/06/2024 12:38

Hinkuy · 14/06/2024 11:52

What's the big deal? They're all adults?

This. You either want a relationship with him or you don't given thus information, it's nit like he can change what he's done in the past

FuzzyStripes · 14/06/2024 12:38

I’m not sure if I am misunderstanding here but I don’t think he has had a relationship with these women. He’s just had fairly casual sex with three women within the stage of a year which doesn’t suggest relationships. Lots of people aren’t really too concerned about ages (as long as legal and consenting) when it’s just sex. They aren’t looking for power, influence or anything long term.

KreedKafer · 14/06/2024 12:39

brandnewsomething · 14/06/2024 12:29

I can’t believe he said that it wasn’t my business 😭😭😭😭😭 this man is in my home….I deserve to feel safe with him no

Show quote history

If you think your boyfriend has done something that you consider to be wrong or that makes you feel unsafe - which you obviously do - then end the relationship. No need to consult other people.

Personally, I wouldn't be remotely bothered if my adult partner had slept with another adult who was a few years younger than him. But you obviously are, and that's up to you.

If my boyfriend announced that he used to go hunting as a hobby, I'd leave him over that. Some people would think that was a ridiculous reason to leave someone, but that wouldn't matter because it's not their relationship. Same applies here.

It seems to me that you don't really want advice here at all, you just want validation for your opinion. I'm not sure why you need that validation, though. Just dump him if you think he's some sort of sexual predator.

duvetdayy · 14/06/2024 12:39

I actually think it’s gross. I dated a 31 year old when I was 19 and looking back it’s like, what the fuck was he doing? I thought I was all sorted and mature but in retrospect, it’s gross. And I could not have even conceptualised dating a 19 year old when I was 28. It’s just my opinion and people get hugely defensive about this but that’s how I feel about it.

ladyofshertonabbas · 14/06/2024 12:41

I think you’re making a really big deal out of this!

Lweji · 14/06/2024 12:41

I think YABU, but if you think less of him, and even dislike him over this, it´s up to you.
You do not owe him anything, and you can end this relationship if you are not happy with any aspect of him.
You do not need his, nor our, consent.

IHateGeckosGarage · 14/06/2024 12:42

You sound like you've read way too many articles on how to date. How you write is weird. You sound like a robot.

EBearhug · 14/06/2024 12:42

I'm seeing a 59yo. I'm 52. Would it have been different if we'd met 30 years earlier?

Maddy70 · 14/06/2024 12:43

Eh??? All perfectly normal and gine relationships

Original poster
brandnewsomething · 14/06/2024 12:44

KreedKafer · 14/06/2024 12:39

If you think your boyfriend has done something that you consider to be wrong or that makes you feel unsafe - which you obviously do - then end the relationship. No need to consult other people.

Personally, I wouldn't be remotely bothered if my adult partner had slept with another adult who was a few years younger than him. But you obviously are, and that's up to you.

If my boyfriend announced that he used to go hunting as a hobby, I'd leave him over that. Some people would think that was a ridiculous reason to leave someone, but that wouldn't matter because it's not their relationship. Same applies here.

It seems to me that you don't really want advice here at all, you just want validation for your opinion. I'm not sure why you need that validation, though. Just dump him if you think he's some sort of sexual predator.

Show quote history

This was really helpful to read. I’m seeking advice but not from folks on here that are quick to invalidate me for even posting this…that’s the whole reason why I felt hurt and needed some guidance online 🥲. I’m realizing that I need helping quelling the fear that he might be capable of worse and and maybe some kind guidance on how to handle the next conversation with more grace / understanding.

OP posts:
Mumoftwo1316 · 14/06/2024 12:45

Yanbu to find those age gaps icky.

Yabu (in my opinion) to be having "huge inner conflict" after just "6 months of safety and comfort" with this man.

6 months! It's the blink of an eye. I've got cheese in the fridge older than that.

Just leave him and move on

Original poster
brandnewsomething · 14/06/2024 12:45

Lweji · 14/06/2024 12:41

I think YABU, but if you think less of him, and even dislike him over this, it´s up to you.
You do not owe him anything, and you can end this relationship if you are not happy with any aspect of him.
You do not need his, nor our, consent.

100000000p thank you 🙏🏼

OP posts:
romdowa · 14/06/2024 12:45

brandnewsomething · 14/06/2024 11:58

This is a helpful perspective. Situation was that he had admittedly set his Tinder age range to start at 18, which reflects to me that we might not share the same values.

Show quote history

The deception is the unreasonable part and that alone wouldn't be OK for me.

AIstolemylunch · 14/06/2024 12:46

Thats such a non argument as 50 year olds are completely different from teens and twenty year olds, as you well know. Of course it wouldnt have matter 30y ago at 22 and 29. But it would have 40 years ago at 12 and 19! What is the point? You met in your fifties or forties when age gaps become less and less relevant due to stage of life. We spend much longer as mature adults than as young adults/teens/kids.

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