boyfriend of 6 months shared sexual history | AIBU

I am speaking for myself mostly, but even so, the sort of comments in the OP are like to just get the response yu what??? from most people I know - maybe it is the way it is written - it seems like americans attach a huge amount more importance to their introspections than brits do, not to their feelings as such, but about the time it takes them to ruminate on their feelings

@brandnewsomething I do understand why you are feeling this way. I can see how you probably feel a little paranoid that he typically went for much younger women in the past, I do find it just a little odd too, particularly the 19 year old. It does make you question his intentions having sex with a teenager 10 years his junior. Not the most manly thing and not exactly romantic or kind. Then again, you don’t know - maybe she looked and acted a lot older (we can straight away think of fresh out of college, semi vulnerable young girls but perhaps that wasn’t the case).

I know i’m not being helpful in any way but wanted to say I do get it. I don’t think you are being unreasonable and can’t help how you feel.

I do think you need to go with your gut - what kind of man is he RIGHT NOW? Do you trust him? Would you break his heart if you left? Would he fight for you? Is there a certain future?

What is it exactly that you don’t like? You mentioned a power imbalance but it’s not always the case of the older person holding all the power. Do you know any other details of the relationship? Was the 19 year old happy with it just being casual, because if they were, what’s the issue? There is a power imbalance in most relationships if you look for it. I am older than my partner but he is much stronger and bigger than me, I could say there is a power imbalance there as I would be very much the weaker person if he were to suddenly turn violent.

My outsiders perspective is that it wouldn’t bother me. Everyone was legal and consenting so to me there is no issue. Unless after 6 months there were signs that this man could be abusive of controlling I would just assume he was enjoying a casual relationship. And there is nothing wrong with that.

I think a lot of 19 year olds are going to actively seek out older men

please can you explain what "drawing out boundaries" is

I feel that who a partner has slept with, unless they have broken the law, prior to meeting me is absolutely none of my business.

You don't feel the same, and that is fine, but this six month old long distance relationship is causing you this amount of heartache and confusion, I think that you know what you need to do, for both of your sakes. It's happened. He can't take it back, or undo it, I'm not sure what you want him to do or say? If I was in his shoes I'd be losing patience rapidly.

Are you worried about what it says about him morally? What do you think that is? What's your fear?

No matter who you meet, you don't get to vet who they had sex with before they knew you existed, or indeed control who they might have sex with in future. It might be a good idea to see if you can shift your perspective on this, otherwise you're in for a bit of a bumpy ride.

I think you are massively overreacting.

i dated a 27 yo at 17 and a 31 yo at 21. The relationships were 3 years and 5 years respectively. I was engaged to and lived with the second. If anything I outgrew them both as I matured. I never felt a power imbalance. A 10 year age gap is nothing to get worked up about imo.

Very much this. Consulting adults have sex shocker!

He hasn't done anything wrong, at all.

It's a you problem. If you want to be weird about it then alright leave him, I am sure he will find any future dates wouldn't care.

You should maybe have this conversation with potential future partners earlier on, to make sure they have only ever had sexual relations with people aged within 2 years of their current age at the time or whatever you deem acceptable.

Ignore all the wannabe 'cool' girls, OP. The age/power imbalance is causing you to question his behaviour and that's entirely valid. He also hasn't reacted well to you telling him your concerns.

You don't need approval from anyone to end a relationship for any reason. But I can totally understand your concern. It it puts him in a bad light and I personally would walk away.

I couldn't get worked up about this. I had sex with a 29 year old when I was 19 and it was bloody brilliant.
Then I went the other way and had sex with a 19 year old when I was 24. Also bloody brilliant.
I'm glad I had the experiences before I settled down with my husband.

He's done nothing wrong, but if it gives you the ick then leave him. You don't need a reason.

There were 8 years between my parents. They married when Mum was 23, so i assume she was about 21 when they met, and Dad 29 (I'm not quite sure when they met, just that Mum started as his housekeeper.) They were married over 30 years till death did them part.

I wouldn’t be worried. It would be different if they'd met at 15 and 23, though.

I get it OP. Its icky and says something about his character that you need to be aware of if you go into a serious relationship with him. 28 and 21 wouldnt bother me i dont think but 28 and 19 is not great. Lots of men (and women apparently) think thats fine but I have a 19y old (a modern one, before i get all the responses about fought in the first world war, was married with 2 kids by then etc) and they are not mature enough for healthy sexual relationships with 28y olds.

The thing is its not really a big deal now at your ages, just a little questionable. But ask yourself how you will feel if you end up with this guy and he starts shagging the young 21y old graduate at his office when he's in his mid forties. Thats the danger I think. Men that like young women dont generally change their tastes as they get older. You only have to look at the porn that some middle aged men consume to confirm that.

What do you want from this thread OP?
Do you want people to agree with you and validate your revulsion or do you genuinely want to know what others think?

It seems you're probably not able to get past this so probably best to end it. Rather a lot of drama so early in a relationship

You're quoting your own sarcasm with more sarcasm @brandnewsomething

It's not a good look.

You gave half a story.

You don't want to hear the replies that don't agree with you.

Just finish with him before you make him paranoid.

Of course it's her business! She's dating the man! How are any of us supposed to know if someone is right for us if we're not allowed to ask for any personal info??

I think that whilst I can understand your concern, those relationships aren't necessarily revealing a problem in his attitude or view of females / young females.

I think a lot guys are oblivious to these relationship power dynamic politics until quite late in life, often when a female they care about draws their attention to it and they consider the issues more deeply. They haven't needed to be aware, often aren't but people mature, and with more life experience can acquire a point of view they didn't previously have - you're not giving him chance to do this.

In fact you are painting those relationships (maybe fairly, maybe unfairly) with the taint of suggesting they were certainly problematic which is not necessarily the case.

When I was 18 I was in a relationship for 6 months with a 28 year old, the connection was genuine, I want coerced or exploited (I have been by other people, so I know what that looks and feels like). It wasn't ever going to be marriage and kids but that's ok, neither of us were looking for that.

It is true that abusive, or predatory males will often seek younger partners because it is easier to take advantage, but it is a false correlation to say that an older male with a younger partner is then predatory as a matter of course.

It would depend on personality, was he their boss, and many other things for the true nature of those relationships too be understood.

Though, yes, an older male getting into a relationship with a younger female if they are a decent guy should be careful he is not taking advantage.

Males are immature emotionally longer (and older) it’s very probable that he had the same maturity as a 19-21 year old female at that point.

I really do see nothing wrong here. And i think that him being corrected into feeling badly about it (that just the way it sounds) is unreasonable and a bit controlling.
You don’t need to share his values and you don’t need to be with him if you have issues with the life he lived before you came along. That also works the other way around.

I had a brief relationship with a 34 year old man when I was 22 and a longer relationship with a 30 year old man when I was 23. I don't really see what the big deal is. I could see your point of view if he'd been in his 40s at the time but 28 is still pretty young.