Ex Friend & Friend?

Honestly, this all sounds completely juvenile. And I mean your behaviour as well well as the others -- all this chopping and changing and 'birthday weekend' stuff. It's not clear from your post whether you actually communicated clearly with her about her birthday party. It sounds like poor communication all round. Did you actually say 'Actually, this feels like your party now, not a joint one, so I think I'm going to make other plans?' In the joint friend's shoes I absolutely wouldn't get involved either. Don't put all your friendship eggs in one basket. Back off, concentrate on other friendships, and stop monitoring their activities on social media.

And your last sentence suggests one of the friends (not clear which) has a history of not being that nice to you, anyway, but clearly you've ignored this in the past...?

I agree with PP - you all seem very over invested and controlling over each others lives/birthdays etc. I would find this sort of nonsense totally suffocating and pointless. Don't you all have work and other stuff to focus on?

Lots of people have former friends as their children's godparents, though. I'm godmother to the son of a friend I don't think I've had any contact with in about ten years. It's not some kind of binding tie. And honestly, I couldn't get excited about someone else's children wearing my child's passed-down clothes ( mean, you'd donate or sell them if you hadn't given them to your friends' children), or why your other friend didn't attend your mutual friend's birthday party, or that a 34 year old had a Barbie birthday party.

Do you like the friend who has cut off contact with you, and want to resume the friendship? If so, rather than sniping about her, or expecting your mutual friend to act as some kind of broker, is it worth one more go at offering an olive branch? Suggest you have a coffee to clear the air? If she refuses, then you know where you are.

Having said that, a friend who cut contact with me 12 years ago has recently got back in touch again. I'm not bearing a grudge, or requiring explanations, and it won't be as it was before, but sometimes friendships go fallow for a few years and resume again given time.

Your other friend said she didn't want to go as it looked like just family.

You could have still gone. You say you were close enough for her to be godmother so like family. Your exfriend was upset because a along you were doing joint and suddenly you ducked out. She was upset because she thought yo.u were close. She probably felt let down by you whereas she was less bothered by the other saying she couldn't go.

They therefore haven't fallen out and why would friend blank the other one just because you 2 have.

If it does bother you that they are still friends then block the social media by all means but you can't insist one friend can't be friends with the other anymore because you aren't 5 years old anymore.

In my view, i think you have 2 different issues, one with the ex-friend and one with the friend.

Ex Friend - the one with the birthday
I think she is being really silly.

As adults, we have to start to realise our birthdays, whilst important to us, may not be a priority for others.

The fact you didn't want to go to her party, for whatever reason, is no excuse for her to be nasty to you.

Also, in my experience friendships do change as we get older. Sometimes people we've been friends with since childhood just don't carry on when we become adults.

It's no one's fault, just life and priorities change.

My advice is one of 2:
..1. Tell her you're sorry you couldn't come to her party. Try to talk to her to, where you hear her point of view she hears yiur point of view and see if your friendship can move on.
Or
...2 accept that she wants to end your friendship over a birthday party. This will be sad for you, but if she is willing to let go of a supportive,close friendship over a stupid party, that's on her.

The mutual friend - the one who lied and is still friendship with ex-friend
This is a bit more difficult.

I am of the view that you should never drag in mutual friends into arguments.

To be honest, it doesn't sound like this friend has been very nice in the past, so would dropping this friendship be that much of problem?

Overall, it doesn't sound like these friendship are doing much for your mental health. Until everyone starts behaving like adults and not like high school kids arguing over daft birthday parties, it's probably best you take a step back and not get drawn into this.

Hope this helps.

I would back off from both of them and leave them to it, friend B sounds like she was jealous of your and friend A's friendship and is now pleased you've been pushed out and actively encouraged you and friend A to fall out
I would cut contact with them both and stop looking at any of their SM and get on with my own life and other friends.

Ah, so your ex friend has made up her mind to no longer be your friend.

That's really hard. I completely understand why you are devastated.
From what you say, you had a very long very caring friendship, supporting each other through difficult times.
I completely get it

Thing is, you now have to accept that she doesn't want to be friends with you anymore. As daft as her reason is, you have to accept this.

She's moved on, and as as wankery as this is going to sound, you need to grieve your friendship and move on as well.

As for the mutual friend - well, she sounds incredibly two-faced. If they want to continue being friends, that's their problem. Stay out of it.

I agree with @bloodyeffinnora . Cut contact, cut off SM, even if other friends try to show you pictures, ask them not to do this.

Close the door to this chapter of your life and move on to better friends.

From your friends point of view, you have basically said nah I'm not coming even though we were going to celebrate together I don't want to now and I'm gonna make some other plans with other friends and family. The second friend has said no childcare so no one can challenge that. But your reason is basically telling her you're picking someone else if you see what I mean.

And the photos of them now out together, I dont see how you can be hurt by that as their friendship is separate to yours, and they didn't fall out.

I honestly thought you were going to all be in your very early 20s after reading the first post, it's ridiculously juvenile behaviour. From all three of you, really, but most so your ex-friend. She sounds very self-absorbed and immature to be getting so het up about a bloody birthday party.
However, you've done what you can to try to resolve the situation. If anything, you've over-apologised.
Your other friend shouldn't have told a porky to get out of attending, and I can see why you'd view the outcome as unfair, but just let them get on with it. Ex-friend is bound to get her knickers in a twist about something else before long anyway.
It's time to grieve this friendship and let go, focus on your other, better friends.

So when she changed her plan, why didn't you just say straight away ok great you do that and I'll still have my party as planned as I've already got my family and friends coming? That's not what you said above, above you said you'd celebrate separately with a meal out with your husband and kids. So you still had your planned party?

And why is this 3rd friend stirring things by showing you photos?

Not that it matters if they're wearing clothes you passed down. They probably don't even remember when it came from

You're all being pretty petty tbh

Actually it’s not immature and petty - it’s hurtful.

I’ve had a bumpy time with my best friend ( since we were 9, I’m 45 now) over the past year or so. Over a bloody spa day. I’ve supported her through her marriage with her shit husband for the past 20 years.

Things are just not the same now. I suppose people change or were not that invested when they had to give something back.

Regarding the other mate who lied - swerve her. It’s shit but there is nothing you can do - they have both shown their true colours

Oh and I’d send the screen shots of your other mate lying about child care - because I can be petty.

It sounds like a spat in a high school cafeteria - she said, so I said, then she said, so the other one said, so we didn't go to her party...

OP, don't get involved in such petty nonsense. Be friends or don't. Be honest about what you want and how you feel. See people you enjoy being with, don't spend time with people you think you need to apologise to all the time.

Life doesn't need to involve all this stuff.

Honestly, some of your posts sound as if you have the kind of longterm resentment that arises from feeling unappreciated, which suggests issues with the friendship all along, not justover this party. This is something that often happens with people-pleasing behaviour, and some of your comments suggest that -- the comment about 'putting yourself first for once on my birthday' and the bits about 'being a good friend' being equated to 'being there for them as mums' and passing on outgrown clothes.

It sounds to me as if you (plural) don't communicate well, and far too much seems to have been handled via text. If you weren't happy with the changed party plans, you should have said so, over the phone or in person. It's not clear to me the process by which the changed plans were communicated and negotiated, but presumably you had the option of saying 'No, that doesn't work for me. I'd prefer we stuck to our original plan of having a joint party for both at my house. Does that work for you?'