To ask DH to only attend one of these wedding events?

It doesn't need to be two weekends in a row!!!! But it sounds like OP wouldn't even go for 1 weekend. Or an overnight leaving him on his own with his own children.

This is a very rare occurrence that two weekends in a row her husband has an event. Telling her to do the same doesn't mean she has to do the exact same. That would be pretty unless she actually had something specific (like a 2 weekend wedding 🙄) It means she should take a break and go away with her friends/family somewhere when she is no longer breastfeeding and could do with a bit of downtime.

I think she would still be very reluctant to do this because her husband will make her feel it's unreasonable of her to do. She should be perfectly able to go away for a night or two here and there without fear of being unreasonable to her husband.

I mean my DH wouldn't dream of doing this, but then again he's a supportive egalitarian partner who views looking after the children as both our responsibilities and doesn't see me as the default parent.

If her DH isn't likely to do similar for OP then I'm sure he's not exactly a hands-on Dad. So he's unlikely to "waste" one of his A/L days in order to help OP. As far as he's concerned she's the mother. It's 'her job'.

If he insists on going, how about he books a couple of days off work in the week so you aren’t parenting on your own for 21 days straight?

So you think it is absolutely fine for him to go to both and she is BU. But he is also a shit husband for wanting to go? I’m confused 😁

I also think that people need to think of how exhausting the working week is when you are on mat leave ! You wait so desperately for the weekend to come so you can have that extra help and family time.

this makes a massive slog of 3 weeks without that break - no wonder women end up with PND

"So you think it is absolutely fine for him to go to both and she is BU. But he is also a shit husband for wanting to go? I’m confused 😁"

Never said the reason he's a shit husband is for wanting to go.

It's his cousins wedding and a one off. He wants to go, he should go.

He's a shit husband because the rest of the time he's not stepping up. And the OP is being a martyr and saying "he just wouldn't" when it's suggested she takes some time out and he carries the load.

@waterrat he's home at 6pm. Don't know about you but that's early in our book. In fact, he's often working away so.

In this scenario the OP should be stepping away as much as possible come 6pm and ideally he should take a day off in the week to let her completely rest.

The answer should not be that they must stay home every weekend despite it being a special one off family celebration. That's not teamwork.

all this comparision - oh the Op shuld be so grateful he appears at 6pm not every man does. why do we have to be like this?!

it just is exhausting and lonely being with a baby 5 days in a row -then not getting the weekend to look forward to - I remember it (and yes my husband often worked away !)

She is just asking that in these early days with a baby he doesn't do two weekends in a row - seems like a totatlly standard comprimise at a difficult time.

No. He isn’t shit for wanting to go, this is reasonable and normal, also normal for partner/wife to support this.
He’s shit for everything we can read between the lines that OP doesn’t want to come out and say, lack of effort, lack of engagement, lack of partnership etc.

I'd just be getting on with it

"Op shuld be so grateful he appears at 6pm not every man does. why do we have to be like this?!"

I never said that did I? Talk about twisting it. I said that the OP should make use of it rather than letting him do fuck all.

I'm amazed not more people are commenting on the cheek of the bride and groom to be honest. I'm normally the one defending the couple who want child free and amazed at how horrified posters are at the thought of leaving them with babysitters or going without their partner. However, even for me the same couple expecting people to leave their kids 2 weekends in a row, and also knowing how far some guests are travelling to travel that far two weekends in a row is just selfish. Has he been to a stag do as well?

It's interesting that the Mumsnet urge to kick an OP for not bring able to cope with anything and be an independent cool wife at all times is stronger than the Mumsnet urge to see every wedding invitation as a huge imposition in some way!

But back to your actual question, I think it's understandable he doesn't want to miss the events, but he is being unreasonable if he doesn't understand how much extra work that is for you, not just practically but also emotionally and mentally, and work hard to suggest ways of easing things a bit / making it up to you. And not a mythical weekend away by yourself in the future because how does that help you now? And you might not even want to do that. It needs to be practical stuff that helps now such as taking time off to spend with kids, meal prep, housework etc. and emotional support / gratitude that he knows it's hard for you you are doing him a favour, not just that you are the default parent so he can do what he likes.

From my own experience, when my DC were 4 months was probably my lowest points mental health wise, especially with the second when you are trying so hard to give the eldest attention to. Perhaps people who don't bf, or whose kids sleep really well, or don't have folic / reflux / anything else that makes them more unsettled don't get or don't remember how hard it is or how exhausted you are 4 months in. I don't know what I'd have done without knowing someone else was on hand to help a lot of the time. It's relentless. And I'm not sure why people think you are lucky he is home at 6 if he also leaves the house at 6 - I'd say 12 hours is more than the average time out of the house for work not less? Yes obviously some people work more hours and some dads are not on the scene at all, but why should that be the comparison? Some dads are in prison for murder, are you supposed to be grateful that he's not!?

Ultimately I don't think my DH would have gone, but then I also can't imagine him agreeing to travel that far 2 weekends in a row for the same wedding even if we didn't have kids so he may not be a useful comparison.

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. My kids were similar ages to yours when their dad worked away 2 weeks at a time and hard as it was we survived and you will too. It might even do you good to go it alone for a few nights.
If he wants to go to this family event he should go. If it was the other way round everyone would be telling you to go and telling him to suck it up!
Why would your mum not want to help you? That's a bit strange. Even if she could look after the older one for a few hours that would help massively?

This is a tricky one. I think the people planning a two weekend (child free) wedding are the unreasonable ones! I wonder if these people look back on it when/if they have children and cringe! I have one friend who does.

if I were you I would “let” him go - I had to cope with our twins a couple of times completely on my own, once for a week due to a death abroad in my DH’s family, when they were under one. It was hard, but I felt so empowered afterwards that I had coped. I would definitely line up some help from family and friends and make sure DH helps you prepare the house, laundry, meals etc. and does some night shifts with the children before he goes and after he is back. Could he take a couple of days off work afterwards to let you rest for example? A family wedding is a hard thing to miss, but he must know that it is a big ask with such young children. That said many people (generally mums) cope with their children on their own regularly due to their partner’s work or being single parents. It is doable, although undoubtedly hard.

Fine for him to go, but not fine for him to help you around the time - taking a day off, meal prep, shopping, getting someone in to help (even just with the household chores).
Then once you’ve finished bf’ing, you go away!!

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable but I think you do have other options. Others have mentioned that he takes a week off in-between events and you use that as a holiday week for all of you. This could give you a lovely week's break and he sees his cousin and you then only have two evenings to cover.

When you have very young kids, you need to make sacrifices, he's a cf

I'm a single parent, and before that I was a single parent within a marriage. Being an ACTUAL single parent is far less frustrating than having someone living under the same roof watching you drown and yet doing nothing to save you. So, yes, us single parents "cope", but it doesn't mean we get a gold star & the option to scoff at those in relationships who are doing the same thing whilst also parenting an overgrown man child who won't look after the children he has created!
OP - you might not think you have a problem, but the inequity and unfairness of your husband being able to do single-person things whilst you carry the full burden of parenthood will cause resentment in the long run, and if you don't address it now, it will potentially lead to you being taken for granted and falling into the position where you feel you need to be grateful for the tiniest things he does for his family, and you. I say this as someone who didn't address this behaviour right from the start and then had it get worse and worse over the next decade - you have as much right to downtime as he does, and he has as much responsibility to care for the children as you do. You both have full time jobs, yours just isn't paid. So nighttimes and weekends should be a partnership - yep, he should be getting up in the night even if he does need to go into the office the next day!
If there was complete equity and 50/50 parenting, YABU, but in saying that you wouldn't be able to do the same in the same circumstances, YANBU. If you couldn't just go off to an important family event 2 weekends in a row and leave him to sink or swim, he shouldn't be able to do it either.

No you aren't being unreasonable. If he wouldn't do it for you why should you do it for him. If he goes to both book yourself a week away (spa, friends, hideaway in the woods)or take to your bed for a week and leave him to it. If he goes to one, give yourself a weekend off.

YANBU regarding the wedding.
Cousin is unreasonable for having 2 weddings. DH is unreasonable for wanting to go to both, and not acknowledging your feelings and wishes.
YABU for not acknowledging you have a DH problem. Hes a selfish prick. He can do what he wants and you cant. Sorry OP you can pretend that's not the case all you want, but we can all see it.

This sums it up beautifully

Given that you're not allowed or will apparently never be facilitated in going out I think it's quite unreasonable he goes to either.

If that was not the case then it'd be reasonable to go to both

@Theredoubtableskins
Why are you being so bitter towards this woman?
She’s struggling and asking for help and advice, but you seem intent on putting her down. You obviously had a bad co-parent and you appear to be angry and bitter about it, take it out on your co-parent, not this poor woman asking for advice and support.

It's just two little ones.

You get the TV to yourself and don't have to share your snacks.