To ask DH to only attend one of these wedding events?

Lord help me.

If I ever become a single-parent I would not like to embarrass myself with this kind of bitterness and insecurity.

OP he is being unreasonable. DH would not be going to both with such a little baby in the house because he wouldn’t want to. No break for such a long time? This would be a relationship ending row for me and we don’t even yell at each other.

Of course you are being very unreasonable. Your husband is clearly close to his cousin and hopefully this will be the cousin's only wedding. You can't expect him to miss either of the ceremonies. I don't think it's at all unreasonable to expect you to look after your children alone for two nights on two occasions for a reason like a wedding.

@Growlybear83 and is it okay that he would refuse to do it

Yes YABU there’s no reason why a parent can’t look after their own children so that partner can go to important events.

The problem you have is nothing to do with the 2 trips, it’s to do with his other behaviour (which you don’t seem willing to acknowledge).

Im pretty certain if he was “helpful” all the rest of the time you wouldn’t even be asking this question.

No, you are not bring unreasonable in your first request. But unfortunately he seems unwilling or unable to compromise at all so you're a bit stuck, it seems.

I think this sounds like a good idea? Then you can share the parenting in the week if he’s off work and the weekend won’t feel so hard. I think other posters are being a bit unfair, my dh was fab with the kids but when he was working at those ages he wouldn’t have seen them much during the week either, so I can see your point about effectively being on your own for 3 weeks.

He should just go to one. He is being selfish.

Then the answer is no. If he is so selfish that he thinks he can go away and leave you with the kids, but wouldn’t do the same for you in return, then tbh I’d be considering my future with this person.

It's an big family event and he should be able to go to both if he wants to. I'm sure you'll be able to manage just fine for 2 weekends on your own. If you are finding it daunting, could you ask a family member to come round and help?

When you able to, book a weekend away with friends and don't ask for permission but say this is happening on X date, you've have the kids for the weekend. If he challenges this, you refer back to the 2 weekends where he was able to leave you at home to attend an event.

Could you ask him to take a couple of AL days either just before or just after the weekends, where he can do the majority of care, apart from the breastfeeding. Or can you express so he can bottle feed? And you then go to your mums for a break for a day or 2 to build up your energy for the weekend.

This thread is becoming a race to the bottom with the Four Yorkshiremen posts.

@DuckBilledPlatypus3 you have my sympathy.

The OP has said that she is breastfeeding the baby so that makes it more difficult for her to have a weekend away at the moment.

These threads always have some one come on and make a remark like this.
The point is OP is not a single parent. She has a partner and therefore the expectation that she shouldn't have to "cope" like a single parent.
Her partner however is expecting to act like a single man with no responsibility to his partner and their children and just do what suits him regardless of the impact on his partner and children.

Perhaps he is " close" to his cousin.
However the expectation surely is that he is closer and cares more about his partner and his children. You are suggesting his relationship with his cousin is more important.
And why does his closeness to his cousin require him to be at two celebrations of the same wedding?

@Growlybear83 but it sounds like he would never do it

@Solidlump
No I'm not suggesting that his relationship to his cousin is more important at all. But a wedding is a once in a lifetime event which he wont get to take part in again. None of us knows why his cousin has chosen to have a two part wedding, but the OP's husband is clearly one of the people who the cousin counts as one of their closest family/friends for him to have been invited to the first event. He has 50 other weekends in the year to spend with the OP and his children, and I don't think it's unreasonable for him to attend the wedding of a close relative.

I think you are being a bit disingenuous to call this a once in a life time event. Not meaning to be horrible but a for a lot of people a marriage isn't for life - I've been married twice myself .
As you say to be invited to the smaller celebration is an acknowledgement of his close relationship and quite rightly he wants to go to that.
If his partner was happy for him to go to the second ceremony as well then that would be fair enough. But she, quite reasonably, has said she is not comfortable with this. They have a 2 year old and a four month old baby. She has every right not to be happy that he plans to go away 2 weekends in a row. So he should be looking to respond to her concerns and not just dismiss them.
I also would be sceptical that he will not be having social plans for the other 50 weekends of the year.
It is the fact the children are so young that makes this such a selfish thing to do when it is in no way necessary.

I'm not a parent but even I know there's a difference between coping as a single parent because you have to, and enduring everything that involves as you have no other choice, and coping alone because your partner is too selfish to prioritise his family over his own wants.

I have expressed similar to him. This would just never happen. He just wouldn’t.

Of course this is an issue even if you say it isn't. Many parents, including dads can and will do this. My husband certainly did.

Could he take a couple of days of annual leave midweek between the two weekends to ease the strain?

@DuckBilledPlatypus3 is he good in general with the children? Is he hands-on?

You seem absolutely certain that he would not reciprocate by allowing you to go away for a full weekend and him having full responsibility for the children. And yet you don't see this as any sort of problem in your relationship?

Why not?

I think you are being unreasonable, but only in the sense that you don't seem able to also take your own time. Your are suffering from a bad dose of mammy guilt. We all need a break. It sounds like he is going. He's not asking for your permission. Yet you feel because this is unfair (even though he's doing it) you wouldn't expect the same from him in return.

If he's ok to go away then why on earth would he argue that it is unfair for you to do similar. You need to stand up for yourself. He's their father. He'll manage. Same way as you'll manage.

You are unreasonable to make yourself a martyr. What's good for the goose is good for the gander, no?

If he wouldn’t do the same for you, why the hell does he expect it of you? Why does he think you are forever tied to the kids and he is free?

I agree that if he does the two weekend he needs to both make sure you get two weekends in a row away once the baby isn’t breastfeeding, AND spend every evening in the run up doing meal prep, have the house perfect etc so you can spend the weekends just on survival mode.

I always really can't stand it when people say 'yeh its fine you just do the same'

How many parents (not just mums but most parents) would ever want or have plans for two entire weekends in a row? Maybe a mum doesn't have to actually want or need this in order to think it's just too much when she has a baby!

Family time is also vital - and just being a present parent. Its not a weird competition where you have to let your partner go away as much as they want and then do it yourself.

I can speak for my own life - my DH would not leave me for two weekends in a row with a small baby and toddler unless it was for unavoidable work reasons.

wtf has it got to do with 'mammy guilt' ?! The op may have no interest in 'two entire weekends away' - she isn't obliged to want to do that.

He is being unreasonable if he expects you to facilitate two consecutive weekends away for him, but he would not do that for you.

A PP's suggestion of a week's holiday in between in Wales is a good one.

Another practical suggestion, if you're unable to have weekends to yourself in recompense for the foreseeable:

He could take a day's annual leave on the Fridays before he goes to meal prep, clean and do washing for you, so your weekends are easier. He could also take the Monday after off, and take over the DC while you have time/lunch/day out to yourself (even if it's only hours as you're BF).

I think it's crucial that if he goes to both events, he takes responsibility for helping you and providing you with your own free time.