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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect fairness with my adult siblings?

38 replies

JJ132 · 13/05/2024 15:20

Hi all,

I am one of four adult children. Over the past decade my youngest brother has received a lot of financial support (as well as time and emotional support) from my parents. For example:

  • Two years ago, my parents bought a property outright for him costing £500,000. In the past decade, myself and the other two siblings were all given very generous gifts of £125,000 each to get us on the property ladder (at the time we were told that we would receive the same amount "in the interests of fairness"). I know these are very significant amounts of money, so please don't see this as a complaint(!), but it's more about the issue of fairness.
  • In the last decade my little brother has had several jobs but has had his car payments, mobile phone, and other expenses paid for by my parents. He has had regular holidays abroad with friends, many of these also being funded by my parents.
  • He was in a stable job but has recently left it, and has decided to go travelling for three months. This is being funded by the rent money from tenants in the property that was bought for him.

I have three main concerns:
(i) The principle of fairness: am I wrong to feel pretty hurt that we seem to have been treated differently compared to our youngest brother?
(ii) That my little brother is taking advantage of my parents: Any time where I have even hinted that my parents are indulging or enabling my brother's lavish lifestyle have not gone down well, and indeed they seemed to act more cooly with me for some weeks afterwards. I am concerned that this kind of lifestyle will not change any time soon.
(iii) Retirement funds: I am concerned that my parents may not have enough money to support themselves in retirement. My dad was planning to retire this year but has already pushed back that date (he's a self-employed businessman), due in part to the higher financial costs that he has incurred in recent years supporting my brother.

I love and respect my parents, and most of the time we get on really well. But communication with them concerning my youngest brother has become quite fraught – for example, I have never even mentioned to them how hurtful it was to us when he had the expensive property bought for him. It is worth mentioning that my little brother has had mental health issues over the past ten years, which is why I think they have tended to be softer towards him.

Am I being unreasonable?? I really appreciate your advice. Thanks,

JJ132

OP posts:
fieldsofbutterflies · 13/05/2024 16:14

I suspect you don't even know the half of what your brother has gone through, and why he's being treated the way he is.

Fair doesn't mean treating everyone the same.

ShotgunSally · 13/05/2024 16:09

It sounds like your brother gets far too much. You sound quite ungrateful banging on it being unfair. You have received a huge amount from your parents, try and look at how fortunate you have been rather than complaining that your brother got more. If I were your parents and knew how you felt, I would be disappointed in you and how I had raised you.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/05/2024 16:01

I feel like any subtle communication of my concerns is dismissed

As it should be, frankly. Questioning how your parents spend their money is really inappropriate.

My kids are both independent adults, and my husband and I treat them both on occasion as we see fit. I would never tolerate one of them challenging me as to how I spend my money or live my life. They would be pulled up on that sharpish.

You have simply got to let this go and hold your tongue.

Original poster
JJ132 · 13/05/2024 15:44

Hi BetterifIdo, that's so helpful, thanks for sharing your perspective. And sorry to hear that you've had a similar kind of experience!

I really am so grateful for all of the support that I've received from my parents over the years – it's not about the money so much as thinking through how I should process the way I'm feeling about my wider family and my own place in it. I feel like any subtle communication of my concerns is dismissed, and that my parents side with my little brother.

But I don't know, perhaps I need to just adjust to the way things are now, and keep my mouth shut! Any other advice for processing things / moving past this?

OP posts:
5YearsLeft · 13/05/2024 15:42

I think it’s best to just leave the fairness out of it. It’s not fair, it never will be, who knows why your parents favor your younger brother (I guess his mental health issues, as they must feel some kind of guilt about them for some reason) and no one else.

What DOES matter is if they’re spending so much that their whole retirement is at risk. Now, if they’ve got long term care insurance, or something paid to allow themselves to stay at home, lovely. Problem solved. But if they spent it all on your younger brother AND expect YOU to take care of them when they have no money left, that’s a non-starter. Your youngest brother needs to take care of them. Or, they need to make plans starting now for that time.

Good luck.

LordSnot · 13/05/2024 15:40

My brother has had way more financial support from our parents than me because he needs it. They don't need to give me the same amounts for "fairness" - that's a child's understanding of fairness.

If we had the same earnings or opportunities I'd probably be annoyed if they gave him loads of stuff just because he was the favourite.

Betterifido · 13/05/2024 15:36

Yep, I’m in similar situation so can sympathise. Younger sibling has some issues with an illness (don’t want to say too much as terrified of being outed!) think autism type thing. However, he holds down a job and I found out recently is paid nearly as much as me - b fact more. Parents pay half his mortgage, all maintenance on his house, I also know they pay for bits and bobs like train tickets etc. he’s basically got loads of handouts from them over the years and now effectively lives mortgage free in an expensive part of the county. He also goes on holidays etc. we are comfortably off but due to huge mortgage, massive childcare bills (we get no support with childcare) haven’t been able to afford holiday for a few years. I don’t want to sound like a sob story as we are both privileged and have benefitted from inheritance, also due to illness he doesn’t have to ability to hold down a job in the same way as I do iyswim…although they’ve managed so far! So what I’m saying is I keep my mouth firmly shut but I get it!

MongoFrogman · 13/05/2024 15:32

Has your younger brother been a regular cannabis user? It often triggers mental health issues in people predisposed to them.

Spirallingdownwards · 13/05/2024 15:29

Re the house YABU

If you factor in what £125k would be today and if you factor in the amount by which the housing market has increased you may be surprised to find they have funded him equivalent to what the older siblings were funded.

The rest is a choice and their choice.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/05/2024 15:28

How your parents choose to spend their money is none of your business. You are not entitled to their money, regardless of how much they might give to another sibling. Call it unfair, but it is what it is.

Original poster
JJ132 · 13/05/2024 15:27

Thanks for your message Dotjones.

Just wanting to point out that the age difference is only 4 years between me and youngest brother, and the difference in time between the two properties being bought is only around 5 years. Would that make any difference to your answer at all?

Thanks again!

OP posts:
Boxerdor · 13/05/2024 15:26

Yanbu that’s a considerable amount of money!!

Dotjones · 13/05/2024 15:24

Yes, YABU. The youngest sibling needs more financial support because older ones have had more advantages. Buying a home for instance. House prices have increased steadily for three decades. If I'd have been born when my brother was, I could have bought a house when he did. But being born a few years later meant it was impossible to buy at the same age, indeed it was an ever-moving target and always just out of reach.