To expect fairness with my adult siblings?

Hi. I'm working on a feature for BBC News about sibling rivalries around money, including as perceived unfairness or favouritism around parental support. Your story is very interesting, would you be willing to speak to me on or off the record about your experiences?

Please let me know if you can help. My email address is [email protected]

Thanks,

Dan

Well your db is happy to take the huge handout so he is the unfair one in this.

However you should not be quizzing your parents over their spending. It’s really rude.

My db had lots from my dm over the years, she never told us at the time and it would come out when his dw was not speaking to my dm.

@JJ132 When you get to my age, 60’s, you won’t care.

I think unfairness is likely to harm mental health, tbh. If I felt that my parents cared more about my sibling than me, that would impact my self esteem.

Now, money isn't 'care' exactly, but in general, if my parents were more committed to providing for my brother than for me, I'd have a hard time trying not to internalise that.

We can't know the details, I agree. But when we're talking hundreds of thousands of pounds, it's not about need or equity because all needs are met. It really is about equality.

It's a perfect example of that.

In adulthood, nobody has a claim to anyone else's money or resources. Agreed.

This doesn't make parents of 4 adults giving much more to 1 of them than the other 3 any less unfair. It is unfair and the other 3 adult children are permitted to have feelings about that.

OP is about unfairness, not entitlement, so this comment is pointless.

On the other hand MN as a whole seem to believe in the "all children must be treated the same way. Everything must be equal". Whilst a nice enough thought, it isn't always sustainable in real life healthy relationships. How many times do we hear "I parented them the same so it can't be me" Families are far more nuanced than that. I am blown away every single time I read a thread like this because my kids would NEVER ask about my money and how it is spent or consider they have any say in it with a view to what they'll get.

People get hung up on equal rather than equitable. Now I have no idea what is really going on here with the brother but I'm not sure I'd be upset if I benefitted by receiving what I needed at the time I needed it. Mental health issues are the wild card here. There are post after post after post of women (generally) who can't work due to their 'mental health' Can't go out...mental health..... Can't make decisions/meet basic needs/stand up for oneself because.. 'mental heatlh'. That never seems to translate to threads like this
We don't really know that extent of what is going on with the brother with MH issues because that definitely plays a part in whether this is flat out favouritism or the parents attempt at an equitable approach. That may mean brother benefits more now whilst you and your siblings benefit later 🤷‍♀️

‘The principle of fairness’ . Why does ‘fairness’ always have to mean getting the exact same amount of
money? Why can’t it mean

500k + mental illness struggles = 125k + good mental health

You mention your brothers mental health struggles almost as an afterthought. Have a brother in this situation. My parents secured his future by buying him a house. Have never had a penny from my parents. Have never resented what they have generously provided for my darling brother. He is unable to hold down a job or a relationship and am so glad he has been given stable housing as he has so little else in his life. Be glad your parents have advocated for the vulnerable person in your family. Be thankful for what you have been given. Be bigger than this and think about what lengths you might go to if one of your own children was the outlier in your own family

House prices changes over three decades justify unfair treatment of siblings 4 years apart?

OP try and focus on your own life and feel grateful for the incredible amount of money you was given.

It’s just too much of a difference 125 vs 500k

Ppl saying it the house market has changed, yes maybe in 20 years you would see that difference. Plus op has dc, that is expensive.

A slight amount more ok fine but yes, yanbu

I can see how you would feel it unfair as the amounts given to you and your sibling vary and the house was bought outright for your sibling allowing them to live mortgage free which is an enormous blessing.

The thing is if your parents had given you both the money at the same time and it was so vastly different it would be understandable to question them. But that is not the case here. Also your sibling is vulnerable due to health issues and hence it might be the reason that your parents want to safeguard him and ensure he has a home if he struggles to work. Ultimately it is their money and therefore they get to choose what they do with it.

I have one sibling and the age gap is 2 years. When my sibling bought a house in 2007 my parents gave my sibling the equivalent of £30K, my sibling and parents live abroad. When I bought a house in 2019 my parents gave us £80K. My sibling is aware and was only happy. Later in 2022 when my sibling was purchasing a third property my parents again gave my sibling £20K as there was a small shortfall and they needed that amount. Financially my sibling is very wealthy with a very good job, equivalent of £300K plus annual income( that is just sibling and not her DH who has his own business and earns similar. Neither my DH or I are in the same league, our total annual income is around £190K from professional full time work. My parents help us as and when we need and for that we are forever grateful. They have never bought us exactly equal but whenever we need they step in and help.

Well the general Mumsnet response to these things seems to be that is that it's your parents money to do with what they wish and if they were to bankrupt themselves giving every last penny to fund fast cars, drugs and sex workers for your brother while literally leaving you to starve, you have absolutely no right whatsoever to complain. Personally I think it's not on. What do your other two siblings think of this? If your dad genuinely has had to postpone his retirement in order to fund little brother's choice not to work I think it would be reasonable to say something. Absolutely disgraceful of your brother to do that.

I’m in a similar situation. I do really question if they love me as much as they love my siblings.

You are justified in feeling hurt and often these sort of inequalities come with a long history of one sibling always being favoured. I think it’s really easy for parents to avoid this by being proportionate and transparent, so that it is crystal clear that they love and esteem all their children equally (if indeed they do, and I think often the fact that they actually do prefer one child is the problem).

In this case, your DB may have needed more help, support and sometimes money due to his health problems. I’d be surprised though if the £500k house, holidays etc etc were really a reasonable and proportionate amount of help to his need. If your parents had supported him by taking him to hospital appointments and paying for therapy I don’t suppose you’d be so resentful.

Ultimately though OP, you’ve tried to bring it up and your DPs have a blind spot. Have you asked how your other siblings feel? Imo the best way to deal with this stuff is to talk about it. They don’t have to do what you want or agree it’s unfair but equally you’re not obliged to pretend everything is fine when it isn’t. I would also talk about it with your favoured brother, otherwise it will ruin your relationship. Just get it out in the open.

I really hate responses like this .

OP you have every right to feel aggrieved, I just don't understand parents who treat offspring differently. It only ever leads to upset , bad feeling and falling out

So I agree with what others have said about no entitlement and all that but one thing irks me....

Your dad has delayed his retirement, and the sibling has decided to jog off on a 3 month holiday living it up funded by the rental from the property bought by your parents? Brother sounds like a bit of a dick. I'd be making sure my parents were sorted and could fund their retirement never mind jogging off on a big long jolly. He needs to reevaluate his choices and maybe offer those funds to dad so he can retire.

I never said jealousy isn't a valid thing to feel. Regardless of how the op feels, it doesn't change the fact that she is not entitled to dictate or comment upon how her parents spend their money. Equally, the parents will have to deal with the possible consequences with how their other children feel about it.

Gah this is a difficult one op!

On the one hand, in principle, I am convinced that parents should be strictly fair when it comes to Time, money, attention etc towards their adult dc, even if the dc are living in different financial circumstances, that is, they all get the same even if one is a sahm married to a millionaire and another is single, earning a minimum wage.

This is because money, time and attention become interpreted as love, and if you don’t ration those things out exactly the same, then adult dc tend to think that their parents level of love for them is not the same either. I’ve seen families really pulled apart by this.

However, the minute serious illness rears it’s ugly head, whether that be physical or mental ill health, which negatively impacts on earning potential, then things may need to change out of necessity. For example, at one extreme, if an adult child has a serious car accident involving a spinal injury, then it’s obvious more family resources will be poured in to them far exceeding what the other siblings receive.

Here though op, you don’t know if this is a case of “golden child” or if your parent’s interventions are justified, in other words, you may not be privy to the extent of your brother’s mh issues, or if your brother is exploiting your parents?

Even if you do know what you are dealing with, beyond having a discreet word with your parents which has not gone down well, what can you do? It’s their money and they are of sound mind. That’s a huge amount of money to give away though!

I can understand why you feel hurt and I would advise focusing on your own career and earning potential because it sounds like your parents will not have much money left to leave you in their will. And certainly get proper financial advice when that time comes.

This doesn’t sound at all fair 🌷

@JJ132 its a hard one as I don’t think you can say much…I tend to justify it and help myself feel better by reminding myself of the reasons they are doing it. In many ways siblings life is hard, even being mortgage free and I have a lot more advantages. If they paid my mortgage it would be the icing on the cake of an already very nice life. With him I guess it’s just helping him get by and protecting against an uncertain future. That said, as a mum myself now, I would deal with it differently than they are. I would try and be financially fair to be honest, and if I was going to help one more than the other I would site the other down and explain the reasons why. Talk to them all. I wouldn’t brush it under the carpet like mine do. Hard to explain really. It’s also a big thing that in the future I will probably end up being the one to organise care for them if needed. And who is going to financially take the hit (although they are sensible and have lots of savings so a different position to you!)

It’s inevitable that it’s difficult to talk to your parents about your brother, because it’s none of your business.

You can tell them you feel hurt, but you can’t tell them you’re concerned about how they’re going to pay for their retirement because of your brother and you can’t complain that they have spent more on home. They don’t have to justify these choices to you.

They sound like loving and supportive parents that are doing doing more for one than the others because the need is greater. It’s very difficult and worrying to have an adult son or daughter with mental health problems and they’re just trying to help.

Exactly this. I don’t know why some parents don’t realise this is bound to cause problems. I’ve seen it happen in families where the feckless adult child is rewarded with being bailed out time and time again, whilst the careful one is penalised for being sensible with their money.

MN tend to hold this hypothetical view. I think in real life it would be very different it's the sheer principle I wouldn't want a rift between my kids. Jealousy is a valid feeling in situations like these it's only natural no matter how you want to say be grateful!.

I’m afraid YABU - how your parents choose to spend their money is none of your business.

It is unfair. I guess they look on him as being vulnerable and are doing all they can to protect him in life. Your brother is sucking it up as its advantageous to him.
Same thing happens in my family with my brother. It really is infuriating and has led to me actively disliking my brother. He is a leech.