Uncomfortable DM taking DS (2) to meet her friend

If it's not about the MH issues, why bring them up?

needy friend with MH issues

Unpleasant and unnecessary comment. What was the need? I expect your reaction would have been less swift had it been a ‘different kind’ of stranger. Ugh.

Your husband's reaction was unnecessarily rude and ott - your poor dm!

Totally agree with this

So your mum took her adorable grandchild to see a friend in order to cheer her up? What's your problem?

I completely agree. Another day on Mumsnet you would have had everyone agreeing with you. The faux-confused are out in force today 😄

Wouldn't it have been better to let your mum take him to say hello to Brenda, accompany her (and maybe say hi as well), but at the first suggestion of a hug simply remove ds and say 'No, ds doesn't do hugs.'

Are you sure your Mum put pressure on him to hug her friend? I think your husband was rude to your Mum and you both overreacted. Can you just talk to your Mum and explain that you don't want him to be put under pressure to hug anyone, especailly strangers. What I would have done is to go over to where your Mum was talking to her friend and, if she prompted him to hug her friend intervene and say he's a bit shy so No, then talk to your Mum afterwards. I don't understand your comment about him not being a pat dog to be paraded around. Why do you think that's what your Mum was doing? Reading between the lines it sounds like her friend's mental health issues are a factor for you and your husband.

I agree that responses can be different on different days, however if the responses were all saying yeah I wouldnt let me child see my Mums friend either then they would be the batshit responses, not the ones that OP is getting today.

DM mentioned that he gave the friend a hug when left (DM made DS give this woman a hug is more what happened).

You were not there - you cannot know what happened. Your mum says he gave her a hug - why would she lie?

Children do different things and behave differently when they are with others. Maybe he saw your Mum give the friend a hug and had a go himself.

I think you are both over-reacting and cannot think why you would jeopardise your relationship with your Mum over nothing. Your child was with a safe known person. There is no safeguarding issue here - this is a friend of your mother's, who is with the child.

To clarify, it’s not because of the MH issues.

Of course it’s not.

I agree that it’s rubbish to force a dc to hug anyone (whether they know them or not) but you’ve turned it into something else with your choice of words.

You're right that children shouldn't be forced to hug.

But your DH's reaction was disproportionately bonkers.

Is there a chance DS was asked for a hug rather than forced?

Maybe at the end the interaction the lady said can I've a hug and he obliged. I doubt he was held down against his will.

I also think your DH's behaviour was completely unnecessary and would have made more sense to the let the interaction play out to see if you had anything to actually be concerned about

Disproportionate response. Far better to have a quiet word if she did it again to say please don't force dc to hug your friends, but otherwise what harm is it doing?

I hate this performing monkey grandchild type of grandparent. The child is not there to cheer up others by being made to hug strangers. How is that teaching a child they have personal boundaries and can say no?

I think you are being completely rediculous sorry. Why can't your mum introduce her grand kids to her friends?
I think the hug thing isn't ideal. It's very old school thinking and so I would just ask your Mum not to ask your kid to hug someone and tell your son he doesn't need to hug people he doesn't want to.

I also don't think the friends mental health is relevant to this.

I think your DH was incredibly rude to your Mum and should apologise to her.

I totally agree that children shouldn't be forced to hug someone, but you can't be sure that your son was forced if you weren't there. Why not go into the shop to meet her together and see how they interact? It doesn't really sound as if she's parading him around, just going to meet her friend. Just explain to your mum that you don't want your son pressured into giving hugs.

Just because someone wasn't held down against their will does not mean they were okay with the hug. He could have been pressured into it. Consent given under duress is not consent.

I'm surprised at so many people being sure they know OPs child much better than she does. If she says her child is shy and would have been uncomfortable in this situation I believe her since it's, you know, her child who she actually knows.

If it's not about the mental health issues, why are you even mentioning them?!

Honestly? I think you're being controlling silly and ablist to boot. You don't want your DS around this woman because she has some mental health issues, despite there not being the slightest indication (in your post) that these make her the slightest risk to your child? As for the hugging, that's up to you I guess, but I'm not sure how you know your child was forced into it given you weren't there? The way I see it, you either trust your MiL with her GCs welfare or you don't. If you don't, don't let her take him out at all. This imposing of rules and regulations is dictatorial and controlling, and as they're based in stigmatising MH, not the best parenting of your DS either.

You and your DH are being odd about this and a bit unkind. Your toddler should not be "made" to hug anyone. But there is no suggestion really that they were, just that it was prompted. Your DM would have been made to feel belittled and embarrassed for no good reason. The mention of mental health issues is stigmatising, "othering" and unhelpful.

It is also not clear whether you have a DS or a DD; which does not really matter but it makes one wonder how accurate the account is overall.

I think that you need to explain the hug thing to your mum because it was the norm to hug or kiss a stranger if an adult family member said so. Many people still ask kids to hug their gran (or whoever) rather than respect the bodily autonomy of a child.

Poor woman.