Uncomfortable DM taking DS (2) to meet her friend

Agree with all the other posters. Nobody should be forced to hug anybody, but you aren't even sure that's what happened here.

I bet your mum felt embarrassed. Your husband sounds like a dramatic tit.

Small children are absolutely wonderful and cute and lovely, and by their very nature, they make people feel happy.

Why is that not a good thing?

So It's not about her mental health, but you decided to put it in the OP plus call her needy?

Your son shouldn't be made to hug anyone. But you and your husband aren't coming off great. It's the friend and your mother I have sympathy with.

If she says 'Give the lady a hug' and he hides behind your mum and says 'No I don't want to' and she tells him off and forces him to hug her and he cries. that's a problem.

If she says 'Give the lady a hug' and he hugs her without a second thought, I really don't see the problem. However, if you are very against him hugging anyone, then say 'We'd rather you didn't tell him to hug people'. The way you and your DH have handled this is a massive overreaction.

Your DH was being a total dick to go and 'remove' your child for a harmless situation and to act as if it was the end of the fucking world that your mum had introduced her grandchild to her friend. She literally just took him over to see her and say hello, and he 'removed' your child? It wasn't even about the hug, he literally wouldn't even let your mum take your toddler to say 'hi' to someone she knows. Fucking hell. What an obnoxious way to behave.

You say it isn't about the mental health issues but as you've mentioned them numerous times and called her 'needy' and referred to her as 'this woman' I think that's definitely a factor for both you and your DH, even if you're not conscious of it. It's really fucking obviously that your DH doesn't want your son saying hello to someone he's decided is some weirdo.

The friend, I mean.
And actually your mum.

Poor woman.

I think that you need to explain the hug thing to your mum because it was the norm to hug or kiss a stranger if an adult family member said so. Many people still ask kids to hug their gran (or whoever) rather than respect the bodily autonomy of a child.

It is also not clear whether you have a DS or a DD; which does not really matter but it makes one wonder how accurate the account is overall.

You and your DH are being odd about this and a bit unkind. Your toddler should not be "made" to hug anyone. But there is no suggestion really that they were, just that it was prompted. Your DM would have been made to feel belittled and embarrassed for no good reason. The mention of mental health issues is stigmatising, "othering" and unhelpful.

Honestly? I think you're being controlling silly and ablist to boot. You don't want your DS around this woman because she has some mental health issues, despite there not being the slightest indication (in your post) that these make her the slightest risk to your child? As for the hugging, that's up to you I guess, but I'm not sure how you know your child was forced into it given you weren't there? The way I see it, you either trust your MiL with her GCs welfare or you don't. If you don't, don't let her take him out at all. This imposing of rules and regulations is dictatorial and controlling, and as they're based in stigmatising MH, not the best parenting of your DS either.

If it's not about the mental health issues, why are you even mentioning them?!

Just because someone wasn't held down against their will does not mean they were okay with the hug. He could have been pressured into it. Consent given under duress is not consent.

I'm surprised at so many people being sure they know OPs child much better than she does. If she says her child is shy and would have been uncomfortable in this situation I believe her since it's, you know, her child who she actually knows.

I totally agree that children shouldn't be forced to hug someone, but you can't be sure that your son was forced if you weren't there. Why not go into the shop to meet her together and see how they interact? It doesn't really sound as if she's parading him around, just going to meet her friend. Just explain to your mum that you don't want your son pressured into giving hugs.

I think you are being completely rediculous sorry. Why can't your mum introduce her grand kids to her friends?
I think the hug thing isn't ideal. It's very old school thinking and so I would just ask your Mum not to ask your kid to hug someone and tell your son he doesn't need to hug people he doesn't want to.

I also don't think the friends mental health is relevant to this.

I think your DH was incredibly rude to your Mum and should apologise to her.

I hate this performing monkey grandchild type of grandparent. The child is not there to cheer up others by being made to hug strangers. How is that teaching a child they have personal boundaries and can say no?

Disproportionate response. Far better to have a quiet word if she did it again to say please don't force dc to hug your friends, but otherwise what harm is it doing?

Is there a chance DS was asked for a hug rather than forced?

Maybe at the end the interaction the lady said can I've a hug and he obliged. I doubt he was held down against his will.

I also think your DH's behaviour was completely unnecessary and would have made more sense to the let the interaction play out to see if you had anything to actually be concerned about

You're right that children shouldn't be forced to hug.

But your DH's reaction was disproportionately bonkers.

To clarify, it’s not because of the MH issues.

Of course it’s not.

I agree that it’s rubbish to force a dc to hug anyone (whether they know them or not) but you’ve turned it into something else with your choice of words.

DM mentioned that he gave the friend a hug when left (DM made DS give this woman a hug is more what happened).

You were not there - you cannot know what happened. Your mum says he gave her a hug - why would she lie?

Children do different things and behave differently when they are with others. Maybe he saw your Mum give the friend a hug and had a go himself.

I think you are both over-reacting and cannot think why you would jeopardise your relationship with your Mum over nothing. Your child was with a safe known person. There is no safeguarding issue here - this is a friend of your mother's, who is with the child.

I agree that responses can be different on different days, however if the responses were all saying yeah I wouldnt let me child see my Mums friend either then they would be the batshit responses, not the ones that OP is getting today.

Are you sure your Mum put pressure on him to hug her friend? I think your husband was rude to your Mum and you both overreacted. Can you just talk to your Mum and explain that you don't want him to be put under pressure to hug anyone, especailly strangers. What I would have done is to go over to where your Mum was talking to her friend and, if she prompted him to hug her friend intervene and say he's a bit shy so No, then talk to your Mum afterwards. I don't understand your comment about him not being a pat dog to be paraded around. Why do you think that's what your Mum was doing? Reading between the lines it sounds like her friend's mental health issues are a factor for you and your husband.

Wouldn't it have been better to let your mum take him to say hello to Brenda, accompany her (and maybe say hi as well), but at the first suggestion of a hug simply remove ds and say 'No, ds doesn't do hugs.'

I completely agree. Another day on Mumsnet you would have had everyone agreeing with you. The faux-confused are out in force today 😄

So your mum took her adorable grandchild to see a friend in order to cheer her up? What's your problem?

Totally agree with this