In-laws still serve me food they know I don't like

And yet vegetarians consider themselves and demand to be special needs.

They can't join in - especially a familly gathering - without rearing their special needs.

Nope - every item that might pass their lips - exasperated sigh from host or special needs guest! Because it's not food to feed the get-together. The irritant vegetarian/vegan wants to launch into why the food is unsuitable.

The host provides food as a background for a social get-together - with the expectation that the social group socialises over a common bond.

But the vegetarian has not brought their own food. Instead of conversation, the vegetarian is stuck at gate one, whether they will or will not join in for social engagement.

Because the special needs eater is so absorbed in their own needs - they cannot see a bigger social picture and just join in.

Just freaking bring your own food - and if people like you, they will work with you to accommodate your special needs.

Oh come off it. Rationing finished 70 years ago.

When I cook for someone, I want them to enjoy the meal

Yes, me too. I honestly don't like the idea that anyone who eats in my house might feel like their food is an afterthought. It doesn't have to be anything elaborate - vegetarian food with some element of protein and not just a pile of 'leftover' potatoes and vegetables.

It's very rude on their part to invite you to eat and serve something you can't eat. It's basic hospitality. And not hard.

If you rocked up after 15 years of tucking into a full.roast and suddenly announced it ...that's different.

Can't imagine not taking daughter's dietary needs into consideration

My MIL hates fish...I'm not going to cook her fish.

Your dh should step up though too. Thanks for inviting us but wife can't eat the food we will eat on the way.

She had beliefs just in the way that vegetarians have beliefs about not eating meat and my point was simply that I don’t believe a respectful attitude to others allows beliefs to be dismissed as “ needing to educate themselves ” simply because they do not accord with those you prefer.

Well if you’re the kind of person who thinks “I’ll serve up what I like and it’s tough luck”, I a) very much DO believe you need to educate yourself and b) will not have a respectful attitude towards you.

I’m not missing the point at all. I am well aware of the difference between a dietary choice and a clinical need. My point is that a good host - hell, just a decent person - should aspire to a little more than “Oh well, it’s not like a bit of meat will kill them”.

If you don’t want better than that for yourself or others, frankly I pity you.

I don’t think a vegetarian should have to pick pancetta out of their peas, @MarvellousMonsters. Yes, a bit of bacon flavour might not harm them, but they don’t like it or want to taste it, so why should they have to?

When I cook for someone, I want them to enjoy the meal - I don’t want them to have to put up with flavours they hate because I can’t be bothered to cook food that they will enjoy eating.

I have a family member who regularly serves up food they know their guests don't eat - and then complain if said guests eat a bigger portion of the sides as a result. Absolutely bonkers.

I am sorry. It's so frustrating and passive aggressive when this happens. My Mil sends or presents us with gifts of chocolates everytime we see her. All have hazelnut in. I am allergic to hazelnuts..... I am trying to never see her again.

"Why does it need to be a competition? Surely a good host wants to make their guests comfortable. “If it’s not an allergy, I’m not interested” is a pretty dismissive and unpleasant attitude."

Wow @HottChocolateNotCocoa, missing the point completely. A vegetarian/vegan can eat veg etc that's been touched by meat (they can pick the pancetta out from the peas) and suffer no ill effects. For them it's a choice, a preference, not a clinical need

I think the reactions here to comments that not every generation ( or indeed every individual) is going to have the same responses to dietary choices, and that all differing attitudes deserve respect , are a further example of respect not being allowed to cut two ways.

My parents ( and IL’s ) grew up with parents who remembered rationing. That absolutely shaped their attitudes to food and left my grandparents with completely different attitudes compared with ( for eg) my SIL who is perfectly happy to bin an avocado that has a few stringy bits in it. My grandmother would have picked through it and taken the softer flesh out. It was nothing to do with her not being intelligent or even that she cannot now adapt or “ educate” herself to the fact that there are more avocados piled up at the supermarket. She totally understood that we exist now in a world of plenty in a way that she didn’t. But those war years gave her a gratitude for the intrinsic value of food in a way that is much harder for my generation to fully appreciate. Yes, sometimes as children my cousins and I would kick each other under the table when leftovers got trotted out again. But these were my grandmother’s values. She wasn’t short of grey matter and was in fact exceedingly well educated. It is just that the idea of rejecting food - especially meat and other items which had been rationed - was contrary to her value system. She had beliefs just in the way that vegetarians have beliefs about not eating meat and my point was simply that I don’t believe a respectful attitude to others allows beliefs to be dismissed as “ needing to educate themselves ” simply because they do not accord with those you prefer. My parents were not as strongly influenced by this mindset, but still more so than I am and it is a mindset that simply doesn’t buy into the idea of a need to be overly careful about what is consumed. It has nothing to do with them being unable to buy a book about the beliefs of vegetarians and manage to read it, or being inflexible or too old or any other clap trap designed to derail the argument so that only one view is able to be taken into consideration as informed or respectful.

I'm in my 70s, I've been a vegetarian since I was 18. It was hard in those days, everything had to be cooked from scratch, it's easy now, just pick something up from the freezer or fridge section and put it in the microwave. No excuse not to feed someone who is a guest.

Sorry that was a bit of a deviation from serving veggie M&S potatoes versus the ones cooked in goose fat

Ha ha Oxford isn’t doing well on this thread

Thanks for challenging attitudes including ageism on here (I thought that was highlighted as well with lack of support for Waspis) - meanwhile why aren’t we calling for wealthy business owners who profited from gov loans to sell a house or two to repay debts (cough, Middletons).

The argument is ridiculous. I'm sure OP would not cook something for her in laws that she knew they couldn't eat or didn't like. It's common courtesy.

I'll be 65 in a month's time. I'm sick of rude, ignorant and bigoted behaviour being passed off on MN as "oh it's generational/ just older people"

It's patronising for starters as it assumes anyone born before the date a poster thinks of as "old" is incapable of learning or keeping up.

Exactly this. My grandmothers, who would both be over 100 if they were still alive, were shocked when I turned vegetarian. They both tried the “Don’t you want some of the lovely chicken? Are you suuuuuure? It’s niiiiice” routine for a while. But once they knew I was sticking with it, they just stopped serving me meat. They made sure they had something I could eat, even if I just got more of my favourite veg on the roast to make up for a lack of meat.

If women who were born in the 20s and lived through a world war and rationing can get their heads around it, then I’m sure someone in their 60s can understand the simple words “no meat”.

Why does it need to be a competition? Surely a good host wants to make their guests comfortable. “If it’s not an allergy, I’m not interested” is a pretty dismissive and unpleasant attitude.

@Dewdilly
Your title is misleading. I was ready to come on and say you’re an adult, so eat what you are given and don’t be fussy.

You seriously think people should be forced to eat things they don’t like? 🙄

I have coeliac disease… I have aunts and cousins with coeliac disease. I know it’s not an allergy but an autoimmune condition, but it was easier to explain it to my grandmother as an allergy. (Tbh, given her gut issues, it’s entirely likely SHE had it too, but that’s a whole different ball game.) My so. Has anaphylaxis to nuts and kiwi, I have cousins who have anaphylaxis to other fruit, some nuts, seeds, etc, I also have anaphylaxis to a few food items. My grandmother who was a woman of her time, couldn’t wrap her head around it. “In our day, we didn’t have time for this allergy rubbish. You ate what you were given or you starved.” She was right, but they also had kids dying all of a sudden for no known reason and other kids with “Failure to Thrive”, amongst other horrible deaths.

You can’t change people’s reactions, but you can change yours. In fact it is your responsibility to change your reaction or nothing will ever change at all. If this means letting them know you’ve had it and that you think they’re rude and ignorant, so be it. If you make it a quiet protest by bringing pre-prepared food, that’s okay too. It will change it up.

People in their 60s were in their 20s in the 1980s. Vegetarians were not uncommon then. This isn’t a new thing.

👏👏👏

I'm 65, and have been cooking for vegetarian friends since my twenties.

If someone my age felt that they couldn't think of a vegetarian meal to cook (or didn't know what gelatine was made from) I would judge them harshly feel embarrassed for them.

I made vegan cakes for a wedding recently. I cater for all the guests with dietary requirements at fund raisers. It isn't difficult. Just google anything you are unsure about.

I didn't go to Oxford BTW

So 60ish to 70ish?

I'll be 65 in a month's time. I'm sick of rude, ignorant and bigoted behaviour being passed off on MN as "oh it's generational/ just older people"

It's patronising for starters as it assumes anyone born before the date a poster thinks of as "old" is incapable of learning or keeping up.

It also ignores these "older people" if born after say 1960 lived through huge societal changes anyway. Whatever it is they're supposed to be too old enough to know about is probably well within their experience.

I'm an Oxford grad, so always happy to debate.

That's more of a rant. A diatribe. A lecture at a pinch @OldPerson.

@OldPerson

none of us should be eating meat, it’s cruel

so vegetarians are superior

Old enough to be respected! Are you suggesting age is relevant to being deserving of respect?!

They are a lot younger than 90.