Page 3 | In-laws still serve me food they know I don't like

spotlightq · 2024-04-01T07:06:15+00:00

Husband and I have been married for 7 years, together 9. I have been a vegetarian the entire time. Every time we come here to eat, I'll be offered/given something containing meat. I have to then feel rude and say no thank you. For example yesterday the peas were ready prepared with mint and bloody pancetta. My plate was dished up for me, so I ended up having to leave a load of food on my plate. It looks rude from my side, but I think it's rude of them. How hard is it!

Beenthroughit · 04/04/2024 14:42

Getting an extra tray of veggie suitable veggies while at M and S and something suitable for vegetarians, which M and S do sell would not entail any extra work and would be what a good host would do.
If I knew someone has particular dietary needs, whether they be ethical, religious or medical, or just they absolutely hate a certain food, I do my best to make sure that I accommodate their needs.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/04/2024 12:47

OldPerson · 03/04/2024 18:59

And yet vegetarians consider themselves and demand to be special needs.

They can't join in - especially a familly gathering - without rearing their special needs.

Nope - every item that might pass their lips - exasperated sigh from host or special needs guest! Because it's not food to feed the get-together. The irritant vegetarian/vegan wants to launch into why the food is unsuitable.

The host provides food as a background for a social get-together - with the expectation that the social group socialises over a common bond.

But the vegetarian has not brought their own food. Instead of conversation, the vegetarian is stuck at gate one, whether they will or will not join in for social engagement.

Because the special needs eater is so absorbed in their own needs - they cannot see a bigger social picture and just join in.

Just freaking bring your own food - and if people like you, they will work with you to accommodate your special needs.

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But they CAN join in, @OldPerson, if the host just takes the simple step of providing vegetarian food. Even the most committed meat eater can eat - AND ENJOY - a vegetarian meal from time to time. Only last night, dh and I had falafel wraps for our dinner - the only thing that stopped them being vegan was the tzaziki - and guess what - we didn't miss meat at all!

I am not a vegetarian, nor do I often cook vegetarian meals, but I could easily think of a number of meals that would either be completely vegetarian (but would not leave the omnivores feeling short-changed) or that would have some food suitable for vegetarians and omnivores, but with a different centrepiece for the vegetarians.

Surely, if you invite someone to eat at your house, it is because you like them - and if you like them, why wouldn't you want to feed them well?

ohmygolli · 04/04/2024 11:29

ohmygolli · 04/04/2024 10:37

@TwistTwoo your husband has no excuse.. that’s VERY poor
I have coeliac relatives and we all ensure we are clued up on it.
as a father, he should no better. Doesn’t sound that intelligent to me.. sounds V lazy!

*know better. Gosh that typos annoyed me 🤣

Blackcats7 · 04/04/2024 11:04

Some people take vegetarianism as a personal criticism and become either passive aggressive like these in laws or openly aggressive like some bizarre posters on this thread.
I have been vegetarian all my adult life so the past 38 years. I don’t try and preach my values and choices to friends or family as this would be rude. They in turn accommodate my not very complicated diet because this is polite.

Saschka · 04/04/2024 10:51

PinkDreamsMum · 04/04/2024 10:39

Someone said earlier that vegetarians are fussy eaters and no one should accommodate that. That’s not right. I’ve been a vegetarian for 37 years and my digestive system can no longer process meat. When I’ve accidentally eaten meat ( hidden in food - like bits of bacon , pancetta etc) it has caused me pain and bloating for a few days after.

what sort of host are they to invite someone for a meal and then give them something they can’t eat?

If I was regularly being invited to eat at a house where there was no effort to provide for my dietary requirements I would take a packed lunch and eat that if I became hungry. No way would I risk eating their food.

That person also said people with allergies and religious restrictions were fussy eaters, so I think she can safely be ignored.

Lentilweaver · 04/04/2024 10:49

PinkDreamsMum · 04/04/2024 10:39

Someone said earlier that vegetarians are fussy eaters and no one should accommodate that. That’s not right. I’ve been a vegetarian for 37 years and my digestive system can no longer process meat. When I’ve accidentally eaten meat ( hidden in food - like bits of bacon , pancetta etc) it has caused me pain and bloating for a few days after.

what sort of host are they to invite someone for a meal and then give them something they can’t eat?

If I was regularly being invited to eat at a house where there was no effort to provide for my dietary requirements I would take a packed lunch and eat that if I became hungry. No way would I risk eating their food.

I have been a vegetarian since birth and I am now in my fifties. ( I am of Indian heritage and some of us are just brought up like this for generations) I have the same digestive system. I have attempted to eat chicken to make life easier, but I just can't seem to digest it very well. ( Not that I will die or anything but it's not pleasant).

Like some people can't eat lentils or beans, but I can all day long, because that is what I was weaned on.I eat every single vegetable from bitter gourds to kale, every single grain, dairy and eggs, so I do actually think I am not a fussy eater.

PinkDreamsMum · 04/04/2024 10:39

Someone said earlier that vegetarians are fussy eaters and no one should accommodate that. That’s not right. I’ve been a vegetarian for 37 years and my digestive system can no longer process meat. When I’ve accidentally eaten meat ( hidden in food - like bits of bacon , pancetta etc) it has caused me pain and bloating for a few days after.

what sort of host are they to invite someone for a meal and then give them something they can’t eat?

If I was regularly being invited to eat at a house where there was no effort to provide for my dietary requirements I would take a packed lunch and eat that if I became hungry. No way would I risk eating their food.

ohmygolli · 04/04/2024 10:37

@TwistTwoo your husband has no excuse.. that’s VERY poor
I have coeliac relatives and we all ensure we are clued up on it.
as a father, he should no better. Doesn’t sound that intelligent to me.. sounds V lazy!

Devonbabs · 04/04/2024 09:25

terrimom · 03/04/2024 21:29

This! All of this! The need of the vegetarian to turn the whole meal, the whole conversation and the whole focus of the get together to them and their chosen dietary restrictions is just the epitome of narcissism. Just bring what you choose to eat or eat what is served at the gathering. Enjoy the company and look outside your vegetarian self for a hot second.

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Or, why not have a common food and serve a vegetarian or vegan meal. Not catering in a manner which everyone can eat is really all about the non- vegetarian making it all about them and excluding the vegetarian.

BarrelOfOtters · 04/04/2024 09:22

Anyone who serves a vegetarian goose fat cooked potatoes is, I'm sorry, either stupid or rude.

Devonbabs · 04/04/2024 09:21

terrimom · 03/04/2024 21:05

To quote Old Person this just sums up the whole thing right here.
"And those who have particular "special needs" for eating - just bring your own food and join in."

The "problem" if you choose to call it that. It's drama more than a real problem and so easily resolved by any competent, non narcy adult wishing to accomodate themselves and their own eating agenda.

That's really all it comes down to isn't it? If someone chooses to not eat meat and knows that their family, friends, co-workers, aquaintances all choose meat and serve it in their own homes the super simple solution is for them (the one with the chosen eating issues/restraints/conditions-disordered eating) to bring what they want to eat and join the rest of the family at the table and enjoy food and company together. What not to do would be to turn it into a passive/aggressive battle at every meal and cry "poor me" "look at me" "I can't eat this poison" "accomodate me" and continue this for years and years and post on mumsnet for support from like minded drama inducers while still continuing their ginormous pity party world wide. Just bring some rice and beans and be happy that you have family that wants your company at the table. Don't lose sight of what is the important part of any shared meal. The food could be anything at all and, of course, everyone can choose to eat any food at all or not to eat any food at all. The important part is the socialization not the attention seeking drama about peas or ham.

Blimey - sounds like you would be hostess with the mostess.

Do you insist that your guest go and wash their hands, finish everything on their plate, eat in silence and ask to be excised after the meal.

Where people are your guests you do your utmost to make them comfortable including food they would like to eat.

Im guessing you don’t host much (or in any case many people more than once)

phoenixrosehere · 04/04/2024 09:17

CurlewKate · 04/04/2024 09:02

I do love that you have to be "fully immersed in vegetarian philosophy" to know that pancetta is meat. Or to buy something from the M&S range with "suitable for vegetarians" written on it in big friendly letters.....

Right.

Pretty sure I was taught what a vegetable is and what meat is in primary school.

I didn’t know it was such a hardship to walk over to the vegetable area of a shop, pick up one of the numerous bags of veggies and veggie side dishes that are typically on offer, take it home, poke a few holes and microwave for 2-3 minutes.

CurlewKate · 04/04/2024 09:02

I do love that you have to be "fully immersed in vegetarian philosophy" to know that pancetta is meat. Or to buy something from the M&S range with "suitable for vegetarians" written on it in big friendly letters.....

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 04/04/2024 08:49

Some people genuinely don't understand. There is no spite or malice involved, simply a lack of knowledge. For example, OP's potatoes in goose fat - it may not have registered with them that the goose fat isn't suitable for vegetarians.

The clue is the word "goose"

Cherrysoup · 04/04/2024 08:41

TwistTwoo · 04/04/2024 01:28

Some people genuinely don't understand. There is no spite or malice involved, simply a lack of knowledge. For example, OP's potatoes in goose fat - it may not have registered with them that the goose fat isn't suitable for vegetarians.

My DD has been a diagnosed coeliac for a number of years now. She is also sensitive to many vegetables. Despite this, my DH always offers her bread, biscuits, and foods she can't have as he's never really understood the mechanics of the problem. It isn't that he doesn't want to, he just doesn't remember.

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That's just ridiculous. Your DH has 'blank spots' about what could potentially make his dd really sick? No way.

Katrinawaves · 04/04/2024 08:18

TwistTwoo · 04/04/2024 08:09

I should add she's a young adult, and she knows what she can and can't eat. He simply doesn't quite understand what foods are not allowable, and why. I can explain to him quite carefully, but it doesn't stick. He's an extremely intelligent man, but has some blank spots, as we all do.

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I bet he’d be capable of understanding if he was the coeliac and was suffering the consequences of being glutened. What a colossal dick!

FenT · 04/04/2024 08:18

Eat before you go or bring your own meat free meal. It’s more a case of them being bloody difficult, I’m surprised your husband hasn’t took them to task?

CurlewKate · 04/04/2024 08:14

@TwistTwoo I hope he never puts fuel in the car- diesel/petrol mix ups can be expensive.

TwistTwoo · 04/04/2024 08:09

CurlewKate · 04/04/2024 07:11

@TwistTwoo I can't believe what I've just read. Are you saying your dd can't trust her own father not to give her food that makes her ill???

I should add she's a young adult, and she knows what she can and can't eat. He simply doesn't quite understand what foods are not allowable, and why. I can explain to him quite carefully, but it doesn't stick. He's an extremely intelligent man, but has some blank spots, as we all do.

CurlewKate · 04/04/2024 07:11

@TwistTwoo I can't believe what I've just read. Are you saying your dd can't trust her own father not to give her food that makes her ill???

TwistTwoo · 04/04/2024 01:28

Cherrysoup · 03/04/2024 23:42

Sorry, but stop ‘tolerating’ this nonsense. Why do you find it so hard to just tell them to their faces? It’s pretty obvious if you’ve always been vegetarian since they’ve known you. I’d be furious. Don’t they want you to feel cared for?

Some people genuinely don't understand. There is no spite or malice involved, simply a lack of knowledge. For example, OP's potatoes in goose fat - it may not have registered with them that the goose fat isn't suitable for vegetarians.

My DD has been a diagnosed coeliac for a number of years now. She is also sensitive to many vegetables. Despite this, my DH always offers her bread, biscuits, and foods she can't have as he's never really understood the mechanics of the problem. It isn't that he doesn't want to, he just doesn't remember.

HotChocolateNotCocoa · 04/04/2024 00:38

terrimom · 03/04/2024 23:29

It's not about the food. The issue with the in-laws in so much deeper than the food. She could bring her own meal. She chooses to engage in a p/a battle for attention and control by inventing this drama. It's not a food issue, it's a control and attention issue.

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She hasn’t invented a drama. They’ve created one by deliberately serving her meat.

Cherrysoup · 03/04/2024 23:42

Sorry, but stop ‘tolerating’ this nonsense. Why do you find it so hard to just tell them to their faces? It’s pretty obvious if you’ve always been vegetarian since they’ve known you. I’d be furious. Don’t they want you to feel cared for?

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 03/04/2024 23:34

Calliopespa · 03/04/2024 22:18

Have you even read this thread properly?

Upthread it was suggested that people who don’t cater to vegetarians need to be given a book on the topic.

You keep saying I’ve said things I haven’t.

And yet not knowing all about gelatine is said to be ignorant …

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I quoted what you said !

You're the one making things up with your hyperbolic spins. As others have said knowing what gelatine is, isn't an obscure fact.

terrimom · 03/04/2024 23:29

HotChocolateNotCocoa · 03/04/2024 21:59

The important part is the socialization not the attention seeking drama about peas or ham.

So you’re saying it’s okay for a host who supposedly cares about socialising to be as antisocial as possible towards one of their guests?

It's not about the food. The issue with the in-laws in so much deeper than the food. She could bring her own meal. She chooses to engage in a p/a battle for attention and control by inventing this drama. It's not a food issue, it's a control and attention issue.