In-laws still serve me food they know I don't like

This is a husband problem. He needs to remind them every time as they are HIS parents.

“ Are you coming for lunch on 10th? Yes thank you but remember that Spotlight doesn’t eat meat or fish or anything containing meat. So she can’t eat peas with bacon.”

Then when you arrive, he needs to go into the kitchen and remind whoever is cooking and check that they have something you can eat .

If they say “ We have beef and vegetable casserole but I’ll make sure Spotlight doesn’t get any beef “ then he needs to explain that wont work for you ( I’m assuming it won’t but great if you are ok with that ).

They might need very simple and repeated explanations “ she can’t eat that casserole , you should have made a separate dish in the oven with just the vegetable and veg stock “ .

Or you might need to get there early so you husband can help them make something you can eat.

it’s very VERY important that he does that and not you. Him doing it is helping his parents . You doing it will be seen as bossing then around in their own house.

If your husband won’t do that then he doesn’t care about you very much. Expecting you to go there and not be able to eat while everyone else is eating is very unkind of him.

Your husband should be speaking to them about this. At the very least you should be more assertive and remind them politely that you are vegetarian each time they do this, instead of just sitting there like a numpty and saying nothing. They probably think you are being rude/fussy for leaving the food anyway so you've got nothing to lose by speaking up about it.

In future just take your own food. Pack a salad box/sandwich or take a veggie ready meal to bung in the oven/microwave and say cheerily 'I thought it would be easier from now on,as obviously providing me with different food is a lot of trouble for you. Just trying not to be a burden.' And smile sweetly.

Doesn't make her husband controlling though. I agree she needs to stand up for herself and just say no thank you and remind her in laws that she doesn't eat meat. There is nothing to suggest that her husband is controlling. It is just something that certain posters seem to trot out everytime there is a thread involving family dynamics.

I would have just said ‘oh did you forget I’m vegetarian? I can’t eat these peas’ then scraped them off in to the bin or back in to the bowl.
Remind them every time you go round ‘don’t forget I don’t eat meat, please don’t put anything containing meat on for me’

The op is literally unable to communicate her needs due to upsetting the in laws, upsetting the children. She also can’t take anyone’s advice because it’s too over the top and she doesn’t want to argue with anyone.

I’m not entirely sure what the op wants. A backbone would be a good start!

OP you have a choice. Let them run a part of your life and feelings or put your foot down.....you choose.

FFS can we stop with the automatic assumption that it is the husbands fault and that he's controlling. Literally on every bloody thread about family dynamics along comes someone with the whole is your husband controlling shite.

Exactly what I was going to say.

OP, I think you should call them on it. ”There’s meat in these peas, did you forget I’m vegetarian? Again?” Then say ”I’ll scrape them off the plate this time but please try harder to remember. This seems to happen every time.” Then throw the peas away.

Either they’re cruel or they’re thoughtless. If it’s the second this will help them to remember . Call out the problem they caused . You’re being far too nice!

So when you host, you just serve whatever, regardless of whether or not your guests will enjoy it or not? My vegetarianism is accommodated in my family, as is everyone else’s preferences and dislikes. We want to make food that people will actually enjoy, rather than suffer through.

I'd take your own meal with you today (sneak a can of soup in your bag), then if they serve everything with meat I'd just get up from the table and go microwave the soup and bring it back to the table.

I personally don't usually cook something separate for just 1 vegetarian but I'd always make sure there were several things they can eat. It's not hard.

Ah yes. Perform the female role of fitting around everyone else's bad behavior.

Dreadful advice.

It's a more valid lifestyle choice than their lifestyle choice of being inhospitable dicks

You have DH problem. He consistently allows his parents to treat you badly. He's either a wimp or uncaring

Absolute stop visiting these awful, controlling people.

So what's the problem then ?

If there's a reason for everything & you have no choice then the matters settled!.... you'll eat off the same plate as the weird peas, attend the house during meal times & suffer in silence like a good girl wife & they'll carry on another 8/9 years as they've always known that your preferences were optional

I think my solution would be to eat before you go or afterwards. I don't just mean you. I mean you, your husband and your children. If the visit has to be shorter to accommodate this, then so be it. If your in-laws ask why, tell them. Maybe they'll change. Maybe they won't. But at least you get to eat and your in-laws will have to deal with the fact that, by disrespecting you in this way, they are doing themselves out of longer visits.

So it's not hard. They are chosing not to accommodate you

Your options are to not eat there which you have declined
Take your own food which you have declined

So essentially the same thing will keep happening and this is a venting post.

So there you go I agree with you there are unreasonable. Eat before going and then refuse their food if it is not suitable.

Glad to see you are taking back some control op. Enjoy those tatties.

Ps they ARE being unreasonable, and your DH should be addressing it.

The problem is with them buying 'naice food' from Markies or wherever. It's not as easy to just go into the kitchen and offer to prep the veg if it's in a container to be popped in the microwave (peas) or tipped out into a roasting tin (tatties).
I agree though, after 9 years, they should know. The repeated serving up meat to you is either because you've not mentioned it in years, or they don't value you enough to be mindful of your values etc. If you've not mentioned it, they probably think you don't like the peas if you've left them.
It sounds as though you're tiptoeing round them to avoid huffiness and a row. Maybe you just need to get the row over and done with today.

Did you get a vegetarian main element of the meal ?

Obviously I don’t know your husband but is it not the case that he doesn’t want to upset his parents rather than be oblivious to it ?

I suspect from @spotlightq ‘s posts that the in laws buy the veg ready prepared, so no scope for meat free prep?

You write @spotlightq ".... They're incredibly over sensitive people and they'd take it so personally and cause problems. They really do control us with their moods..... "

So ?

They're not incredibly sensitive to your needs now are they ?
If you have to go bring your own food.
Or get your dh to remind them.

They really do control us with their moods - that's cryptic !