In-laws still serve me food they know I don't like

I'm a meat eater

I would absolutely hate pancetta in peas. Butter or mint is as far as I'd go (and better without imo)

I absolutely hate meat in veg. Pancetta in peas. Lardons in Brussels sprouts. Beef fat potatoes. Veg is delicious in it’s own right.

I'd 100% take my own meal and phrase it as if it's to help them out "don't worry about me il just need a plate. I thought it would be easier to bring my own then you don't need to try changing your meal to suit me or think about anything that may have been cooked with animal products."

I had a feeling there would be an oblivious husband! They know that they can goad you all they like and get away with it. They have probably also worked out that their son will allow this to happen.

You can paper over the cracks by taking your own food, being more assertive about being unable to eat meant or just not going, but solving the problem will involve you and your husband presenting a united front. For that, you need to make him see that there is a problem to solve.

I HATE cooking and I manage this

Why is your husband 'oblivious' to everything? Is he thick? Was he useless before you married him?

What if your children become vegetarians?

But having a mix of peas and pancetta just seems like they're trolling you.

Not just having them, rather than plain or minted peas (theyd be good if it was Easter traditional roast lamb) but actually putting them onto her plate...

wtf? There's no good reason for anyone to do that.

They're the ones being rude, incredibly rude.

if they're buying prepared potatoes roast potatoes, why can't they pick up a vegetarian ready meal at the same time?

Let DH visit his vile family by himself.

I would say repeatedly serving up food you know someone won’t be able to eat is passive aggressive. Basically excluding you by claiming not to remember or not caring?
So what’s your relationship like with them in general?

Nonsense. A separate dish is “a significant amount of effort”? Fucking hell.

Well if you're that passive they'll carry on

If they want to see their grandchildren they'll either have to go to you or change their ways

Why is it ok for them to upset you but they're so precious you can't say your piece? If it turns into a row, that's on them

Your husband is capable of taking his own children to see them by himself, surely?

They’re being absolute arseholes towards you, but you’re refusing to do anything about it. You seem to be expecting them to magically “get it” one day. They won’t, and I don’t believe they even want to.

Some people are just twats, let’s face it.

I don’t like a really common treat food and MiL kept giving it to me on special occasions. It felt like a waste of money and there’s a similarly priced alternative that I do like, so I ended up telling her and now she always gets that for me. But SiL determinedly still offers the thing she knows I don’t like when the family is at her house (which owing to circumstance we often are) and makes loud comments about fussy people who can tell the difference between the two things.

In that case of course it’s all just designed to irritate me, I can leave as it as it’s not any core part of the meal, and I only told MiL in the first place as I was bothered at her spending her money on something I dislike - SiL can knock herself out. But it’s the sort of person she is.

Phone and ask what they're doing for lunch. If it's something you know will be in goose fat, have meat served say 'great I'm glad I asked, as you know I'm veggie and won't be able to eat and I didn't want food being thrown away as I can't eat'. I'm pescatarian and if someone doesn't sound sure about what to cook, I always say a ready meal will be absolutely fine for me - it just keeps it easy for them. I've volunteered before to take something I've frozen and a side salad, which I'd be more than happy with so maybe that's something you could do today.

I'd either take my own food if you feel like you can't say anything and when they comment just say oh I hate feeling like I'm wasting your food and because it's made with animal products I can't eat it and that's just a waste so I've bought my own so I don't waste any of yours and then change the subject.
If they get upset just be polite and say it's against my beliefs to eat anything made with animals products.
At the end of the day you either let them know the line or nothing will change. If they get upset then they'll just have to get over it

Now, I see it the other way. If you eat there regularly, they obviously know you're vegetarian; so they're doing it on purpose.

Of course you can do it. You just feel awkward doing it, which is understandable. But have they given one single damn about making YOU feel awkward, or in any way welcome?

Pancetta doesn’t end up in peas by accident. They are doing this to be deliberately unkind - and at the moment, you’re showing you won’t fight back. Refuse to go next time, and say why.

Thoughtless and ignorant…
not acceptable

Equally it's really no big deal to do a separate small tray of stuff roasted in olive oil even they want the goose fat or beef dripping version themselves. Some people are just arseholes for the sake of it.

DD1 is veggie and had the roast dinner yesterday with a cheese pastry instead of lamb (and DD2 and DH had both lamb and veggie options!) My MIL made it and is a good cook, but you could easily buy something like this and heat it up, it really doesn't have to be hard. Putting bacon in peas seems trying hard to include meat in everything!

@CloudsUnderwater , I’m curious to know if you think a Muslim not wanting to eat pork is ‘fussy’?

Personally I’d turn up with a large “side dish” to share which could double in a pinch as your entire meal. A cauliflower cheese or sweet potato gratin or a rice salad. Because this is a contribution for the table it’s less passive aggressive than just a Tupperware with your own food so less likely to trigger a mood. But you shouldn’t have to and they sound very trying!

So they’re able to “take it personally” and be “sensitive” when they knowingly hurt your feelings

so give it right back.

either refuse to go, insist on eating out to control your menu choices

or take your own food.

yeah they will potentially kick off, but be calm and matter of fact with your responses and say “I’m a vegetarian but in all the times I’ve been here, everything has meat in it. As eating meat is clearly important to you, it’s easier if I just bring my own food so there’s no pressure on you, and I don’t go home either starving or feeling unwell”

your OH seriously needs to step up here too.