In-laws still serve me food they know I don't like

If I know someone is veggie (and I always ask) I will provide accordingly. Likewise other diet stuff. It isn't in the least difficult, it's been widespread for decades now. Vegan is a bit harder, but as it happens I haven't had to host any vegans. I'd ask their advice if I did. Same for any special medical diet-in fact, I'm asking someone right now about theirs because they're coming for a few days.
Once I had veggies for chistmas dinner, I was more than happy to cook anything they asked for but they said they really wanted som special xmas M&S nut roasts, so I got some. We had an M&S in town, so I'm sure they thought it would make it easy for me, but my local one didn't stock them- I never mentioned I had to drive about 60 miles round trip to get them.😊But I didn't mind at all, it was a pleasure- I was just happy to get something I knew they'd really like.
But-
Demanding, faddy eaters who make life complicated are quite a different matter. If someone like that was coming, they'd be free to eat what I provided or bring their own. Fortunately I don't know any. Or maybe that type of person is also someone who has other traits that mean I wouldn't fancy asking them to my house anyway- at its worst, expecting others to provide for your own faddy eating is a passive aggressive form of control, and I won't thole that.

On the basis of what you’ve written I would suggest it’s not just ignorance but a combination of selfishness and ignorance. They absolute know what they’re doing. They find the idea of putting themselves out to suit you really irritating so they blur the boundaries by sort of catering for you but not doing it properly.
Most people’s suggestions here won’t work for you, because they lead to potential outcomes which you’re not willing to face e.g. their sensitivity/moods. The best suggestion is Octavia64’s. Take flowers and wine. Be charm personified. Eat well in advance and just eat what you can. This way allows you to go on without a big showdown but it doesn’t resolve the issue.
Really, ultimately, you’re best off making your husband understand that he needs to put a stop to them feeding you meat, but I understand that this feels difficult for you right now.

You are everything that is wrong with Mumsnet.

A vegetarian is “batshit” and should “woman up” because her in-laws who have known her for years refuse to cater for her when hosting. It isn’t difficult to cater for a veggie. Her in laws are being obscenely rude and thoughtless.

I've been vegetarian for over 40 years . DH for 35 years

I haven't eaten at PIL for many years but they did give us pizza with pepperoni ( y'know , sausage) and chicken soup (that we could pick the chicken out of)
No malice , just not "getting it"

My Dad used to buy in food for me (looked for the Vegan/Vegetarian signs) but if we went went shopping he'd say "Go and pick yourself some cold meat"

I'd gently pisstake "What sort of cold meat do vegetarians eat then, Oh Daddy of Mine" ?
"Chicken...or ham" he'd suggest
Then, the penny dropped .
Again no malice , they just didn't get vegetarianism .

Call them out on it. Say sorry, you’ve forgotten I’m a vegetarian. Otherwise you’re teaching your children to let people ride over their needs. Also to be controlled by their moods as you put it.

I’m vegetarian and this would infuriate me and I wouldn’t be so passive. I know you don’t want to upset them but they dont care about you.
I would not eat the rest of the food if meat was on my plate either and every time take my own food, if they refuse to listen.

Pancetta does nothing, in my opinion for what it's worth, to improve the taste of peas. Far from it. It overwhelms the fresh, green taste of the peas.

I am vegetarian so understand the importance of other people respecting your diet.

A few things come to mind:

• where is your partner in all this? because he should have had a word with his parents a long time ago basically in the line of 'we will no longer have lunch/dinner with you if you don't start showing my wife the respect she deserves and accept her dietary needs.'

• they know full well what they are doing and I would refuse to join them for meals until they grow up...

I think OP said it was one of those ready meal type things from M and S so not home made.
Not as if that's any excuse, it'd just be as easy to get some normal bloody peas as well if they were truly doing it "for ease."

They are shit hosts. There is no need to put meat in peas. MN is full of nonsense defending this behaviour.

I am not vegetarian but would not dream of serving pancetta to a vegetarian, not least of all a loved family member who I had known for years was vegetarian.

It is not as if it’s more of an effort not to add the meat 🙄

@spotlightq just to add, it sounds like you are being way too passive about this.
Sounds like they are making mistakes and you are just sat there passively not correcting them in the moment.

I decided after a couple of years I needed to show my ILs how to make my cup of tea as it was so weak with literally a drop of milk when they made it. I couldn't tolerate shite tea, you are tolerating shite meals - you need to tell them.

I will mention to my husband again today.

Doesn't sound like there's much point mentioning it to him, just speak to whoever is cooking

I suspect they are just very ignorant. My parents couldn't cope with my DD allergies as a child. She had a large number and even though I explained it in detail and detailed what she could have, they never once in 8 years managed to serve a meal she could have. It caused a huge amount of upset. I would need to redo dinners (sensitive even with cross contamination) and in the end I took every meal she ate. They weren't happy and argued with me constantly that they could do it, but they always got something wrong. I'd take a set of M&S vegetarian meals and make it obvious they could have just picked you something up too.

Absolutely agree.

There is literally no way they don't know she can't/won't eat it so they're doing it on purpose.

And yes, being wasteful as they know it won't be consumed!

OP is probably just a nice person. Which is why she doesn’t want animals to die for her meals.

Stop going. Or take your own food.

I don't understand why you put up with their intransigence. Just change the system.

But you don't have to do most of that separately. Just don't use goose fat/beef fat and then everyone can eat the vegetables and sides.
I'm sure, from what OP says, she'd happily bring her own main meal (whether that's a nut roast, quorn slices or something else).

If you're hosting a meal, then you take into consideration what your guests will eat.

But then the meat would have been wasted, and the animal would have died for nothing.

They should respect her wishes and not serve her meat in the first place.

When we have vegetarian friends round for dinner we all eat vegetarian. I relish the opportunity to eat something different from usual.

PILs ABU.

It's an astonishing comment isn't it.

So you either say every single time
'I can't eat that, I am vegetarian.'

Or
Say nothing but be prepared that you might not be eating so you need a big breakfast.

Personally I would tell them.

I'm sorry but your weak personality really is irritating. I hate it when people "don't want to cause an argue" etc because life does contain confrontations and you need to face them like an adult, not a timid child "trying to please everyone"

TBF this one runs it a close second.

Just playing Devil's Advocate here, but if a vegetarian invites their PIL round for a meal and the PIL say "We don't like vegetarian food - we only eat proper food with meat", should the vegetarian accommodate their wishes?

"Proper food" good grief.

Is this for real?????@

Completely agree

stupidest comment on mn of the year so far
🙄🙄🙄

Interestingly I can't have animal fats. Oil is fine but chicken skin or butter kills me