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Original poster

Given friend a strong warning regarding a new bf & CSA accusation....

95 replies

BlessedKali · 31/03/2024 21:17

Hi all,

A very good friend of mine is a single mum to a two year old girl. She met a man two months ago who she thinks is absolutely amazing, and has been really 'healing' since the very toxic father of her baby.

I went to see her recently and asked her about her new man. As we're good friends, we got straight into it, and she told me about this rather, in my eyes, RED FLAG.

So she tells me that he was accused by his brother and brother's wife of sexual assault of their daughter (his neice). There was a case, but he was never found guilty. Case was dropped, etc.

When my friend told me that I clapped my hand to my mouth and couldn't really hold back on a rather strong reaction. Think along of the lines of:

''oooohhh no!!! what a red flag!!! how could you ever trust him with your daughter... etc etc''

I didn't tell her what to do, or shame her in any way, but I did very strongly explain that this is a red flag and I wouldn't tak the risk with my child.

Now, she believes his story, for various reasons - like, they found no evidence on any of his tech devices, and the whole family is on his side (although she can only know this from his own word. Also the fact her told her almost straight away made her feel he was honest.

Claire's law can't be used, as he is from a euro country.

I think I've scared my friend and now she is very upset coming to terms with having to end what she thought was going to be a lovely relationship.

Was I wrong to have warned her so strongly? I'm kinda feeling bad to see her so upset.

I can't really discuss this with actual friends as it is confidential to her, so I'm asking mumsnet what they think.

OP posts:
MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 31/03/2024 21:19

YANBU. Only a idiot would risk their child with someone like that.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 31/03/2024 21:21

Not at all unreasonable, I would have done the same. It's a serious concern. A definite red flag.

soupfiend · 31/03/2024 21:21

I dont suppose you know how the allegation came about. Did it come from the child or did it come from the adults saying this happened?

Most cases involving children (let alone adults) dont go anywhere. They nearly all end in NFA. Leaving the accused able to say 'they had nothing on me, baseless accusation' and leaving others to wonder.

MissLucyx · 31/03/2024 21:23

YANBU he’s very likely guilty, it’s very hard to prosecute this kind of crime as there’s rarely evidence and perpetrators are rarely brought to justice.

Original poster
BlessedKali · 31/03/2024 21:24

No, I don't know how the allegation came about.

It's almst irrelevant isnt it. What I talker to her about is how could she ever truly know? So she would always have to just have an element of trust/faith. And does she want a relationship in the future where she might be second guessing leaving her child with him

OP posts:
Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 31/03/2024 21:25

I think you were right. In fact I would have been telling her directly to end it.

Men who want to abuse children use single mothers to get access to their children...it's the easiest way for them!!!!

mindutopia · 31/03/2024 21:26

She will thank you for this one day and you did the right thing. My mum married a man who SA his own daughter. He admitted he did it and told her over dinner on their first date. Even got out all the bloody court records for her!

I wish she had been able to confide in a friend like you back then who would have told it to her straight. I might still have my mum in my life (we went NC when we found out and she decided to choose this loser over us). My children have never had a grandmother as a result (my dad is dead, so no grandparents at all). She’s lost nearly all her lifelong friends too and lives a very isolated existence with no family in her older years and few friends.

There are so many fish in this sea. No reason not to chuck this one back.

Whippetrealgood · 31/03/2024 21:26

I think its concerning that your friend knew that and was prepared to have him around her child

Original poster
BlessedKali · 31/03/2024 21:27

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 31/03/2024 21:25

I think you were right. In fact I would have been telling her directly to end it.

Men who want to abuse children use single mothers to get access to their children...it's the easiest way for them!!!!

Edited

I did say this. I gave her literally all the information i have about predators, most of which I have learnt from the amazing women of Mumsnet.

I also didn't want to push her like 'you SHOULD do this' because sometimes that backfires.

OP posts:
Grandmasswagbag · 31/03/2024 21:27

Disgraceful. Report her to SS. I’m not sure if they would do anything. It’s very common for pedophiles to target single vulnerable mothers.

Arewethebadguys · 31/03/2024 21:28

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 31/03/2024 21:19

YANBU. Only a idiot would risk their child with someone like that.

Fucking hell. You took the words right out of my mouth. Your mate's an idiot if she heard his story and didn't run a mile. Actually shaking my head over here

EG94 · 31/03/2024 21:30

He could be perfectly innocent but even if he was I wouldn’t have my kid around just in case so would be the end for me. Think this should be the same in public sector jobs. Seen a few officers eventually found guilty of crimes they had on their record when they applied and NFA’d. Certain roles shouldn’t give benefit of the doubt.

Original poster
BlessedKali · 31/03/2024 21:32

I know, I also feel like this too. Like as in 'WHAT THE FUCK SISTER?!'

BUT, I also know that she is an incredibley exhusted single mother, with no support, who spent the 5 years with the baby's father in coercively controlling relationship.

I also know that she doesn't live in the world I do. I live in a world of feminism and I understand issues of CSA. She doesn't, I don't think she has ever truly thought about it.

OP posts:
Creamcoconut · 31/03/2024 21:33

You did the right thing, I’m shocked she’s been so gulible with massive red flags

Tedaaaaaaaaah · 31/03/2024 21:38

So she tells me that he was accused by his brother and brother's wife of sexual assault of their daughter (his neice)

Mud might stick, but in my view NOBODY throws this shit around without good reason.

Would anyone sane gamble their kid on some random bloke?

You did the right thing OP

Original poster
BlessedKali · 31/03/2024 21:53

Thanks. Sadly my friend also opened up to another mutual female friend. And mutual-friend said that her own sister had falsely accused sister's partner of CSA, and so mutual-friend believes new-bf.

Absolute face-palm. Worst advice ever. Mutual-friend has said she believes a man she has never met before, based on second hand testimonial.

OP posts:
LakeTiticaca · 31/03/2024 23:08

Good grief what is she thinking?
This is the reddest flag in the whole of red flag land.
I guess he could be innocent but why take the risk?
I hope your friend sees sense

Original poster
BlessedKali · 31/03/2024 23:14

LakeTiticaca · 31/03/2024 23:08

Good grief what is she thinking?
This is the reddest flag in the whole of red flag land.
I guess he could be innocent but why take the risk?
I hope your friend sees sense

I literally said this. THE REDDEST OF FLAGS. There isn't anything worse. Other than being charged ith CSA.

She has a history of missing red flags and having her boundaries trampled.

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 31/03/2024 23:23

I think your friend is also posting on mn tonight. That’s a mad coincidence🙄

Findmebythesea1 · 31/03/2024 23:26

.

Findmebythesea1 · 31/03/2024 23:26

@GrazingSheep do you have a link to the thread?

MissLucyx · 31/03/2024 23:26

GrazingSheep · 31/03/2024 23:23

I think your friend is also posting on mn tonight. That’s a mad coincidence🙄

Really?? On AIBU?

GrazingSheep · 31/03/2024 23:29

In relationships. The poster is Jand1812.
Can’t link the thread.

Whentheboatcomein · 31/03/2024 23:30

Just read your other thread where your the girlfriend 🙄🙄🙄

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