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Original poster

Does this sound financially fair?

883 replies

runningaway90 · 21/02/2024 09:36

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

OP posts:
KTheGrey · 03/11/2024 08:44

I love house browsing! Totally go and see everything because houses are like clothes and can’t be bought on the internet. It’s like mood boarding your perfect life!

Ginkypig · 01/11/2024 10:49

@HarrietStyles

i think the viewing is a good idea even if you don’t take it!

use it as a way to take another safe step without the pressure that you will sign on there and then but that you know you can go to view them. The next few times won’t be as scary and you won’t have to push yourself so hard.

think of it as a test run to get over the hurdle of actually doing it before going ahead with viewings for real.

HarrietStyles · 01/11/2024 09:28

Great to hear an update from you @runningaway90 and sorry to hear about your dog, hope he/she is doing better soon.

Keep daydreaming about that free future, it will one day give you the strength to pull the trigger.

Why don’t you book a viewing to see one of those properties? It might help make the daydream feel like it could be a reality…… push you a step closer.

ZebraD · 01/11/2024 07:40

Sorry to hear about your dog has been poorly, I hope it is nothing too serious.
Are you sure you want to leave without having your money in place from the sale of your home or a buy out?
is he aware you are looking for somewhere else to live?
I think once you find somewhere, which isn’t as easy as you might think, there will be no stopping you. Get some appointments booked for these properties, I think it will really let your imagination run wild on how your new life will actually be.
lovely to hear the update, I do keep thinking of you and wishing you well.
one step closer…

ZebraD · 01/11/2024 07:37

Hypermedi · 31/10/2024 23:44

You started this thread in February and you're still in the same situation? You have no ties, you're not married, no kids. Just leave him, get the house sold and get your money back - write off the bit you may have lost and get a new life. Stay with family or friends for a bit if you need to. Get rid!!

Show quote history

Not helpful.

Hypermedi · 31/10/2024 23:44

runningaway90 · 31/10/2024 21:26

Hey all. Quick update but the past few weeks have been hard as the dog has been very unwell and that has been all I can think about or deal with. We are getting to the bottom of it so feeling a little better and as soon as that stress died down I have been obsessively looking on Rightmove at options for buying and renting. I think that says it all really. Deep down I feel he is restricting my freedom and keep imagining my life without him, where I could go on holiday and live where I want, within reason. Again not a major update but checking in for those who are interested and I hope you are all doing well.

You started this thread in February and you're still in the same situation? You have no ties, you're not married, no kids. Just leave him, get the house sold and get your money back - write off the bit you may have lost and get a new life. Stay with family or friends for a bit if you need to. Get rid!!

Ginkypig · 31/10/2024 23:33

I was just thinking about you today @runningaway90

good to hear from you.

im sorry to hear about your dog, I hope it’s better soon.

this is the beginning of the change. You’re thinking is changing and the fear of the unknown is fading.

just keep on going your doing great.

Moosegooseontheloose · 31/10/2024 21:45

Good to hear from you again OP. Little steps in the right direction and you’ll get there 😊
Hope your dog is getting better x

Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 31/10/2024 21:43

That's REALLY good news OP, little steps, but in the right direction. I hope the dog is feeling better now? We're all still here rooting for you!

AlertCat · 31/10/2024 21:39

Good to hear from you. I hope the dog is getting better, what a difficult time for you

Original poster
runningaway90 · 31/10/2024 21:26

Hey all. Quick update but the past few weeks have been hard as the dog has been very unwell and that has been all I can think about or deal with. We are getting to the bottom of it so feeling a little better and as soon as that stress died down I have been obsessively looking on Rightmove at options for buying and renting. I think that says it all really. Deep down I feel he is restricting my freedom and keep imagining my life without him, where I could go on holiday and live where I want, within reason. Again not a major update but checking in for those who are interested and I hope you are all doing well.

OP posts:
HamptonPlace · 15/10/2024 16:42

If you actually want to get married, get married. It will cut the gordian know, legally, the wheels within wheels you describe here sound ghastly...

KTheGrey · 15/10/2024 16:32

Well done you. It takes the time it takes to be ready to make big changes.

Moosegooseontheloose · 14/10/2024 07:42

What a great update OP 😊

Codlingmoths · 14/10/2024 00:54

I’m glad you’re doing better. Please don’t shut out your friends and family, they are important. Even if you can’t talk about this make sure you connect with them and talk about other things.

Abitofalark · 13/10/2024 23:09

What a lovely surprise, running away! It's always nice to hear from you, like an old friend, though you don't owe us any apology and must feel free to suit yourself as and when you decide whatever you decide in any aspect of your life.

I've thought about you so many times and hoped you were doing well in whatever you choose. So glad you are going along well with the counsellor and feeling your own way through. You've not had an easy path or circumstances to deal with and I hope you just keep on keeping on, searching for the right outcome for you and coming here if and whenever it suits. We all keep chugging on in our own way, hoping for the best.

ZebraD · 13/10/2024 22:43

Ah bless you. I think what you are doing is sensible. Knowing what you need to do and carrying it out isn’t always easy. It’s really daunting and overwhelming at times. Sounds like you’re really getting yourself together in the best way possible. When you eventually break free, it really will be like a weight has lifted.
sorry to hear there have been other factors holding you back. One day at a time xx

Ginkypig · 13/10/2024 22:27

runningaway90 · 13/10/2024 21:28

@Ginkypig thank you so much, again a kind message and I appreciate it. I know I'll get there and I know it's so easy to find excuses as I already wish I'd left sooner before other things happened. However I do feel that I need to be in a strong headspace so I don't go running back, which I haven't been until very recently. Appreciate the very non judgemental advice 🙏

Yes I agree and I think you are being very brave being so honest and working so hard in therapy to give yourself the best chance to make this work when it happens rather than snapping one day with no plan in place and without the resilience to ensure it definitely works.

please don’t think i am trying to rush you, I’m Only pointing it out because of the potential that you get stuck or frozen thinking tomorrow or next week or next month and because it’s always going to take a bit of force to propel you into it but you are still working towards that, and you are working hard!

frequentlyfrazzled · 13/10/2024 22:06

Well done for moving forward. Never feel bad that you are taking your time, it is your life, you have to go at a pace that feels right for you. It must be very stressful for you, as you are sort of in limbo at the moment, so hope you are doing ok. Try to take time out when you can, to look after yourself and, if you can, please try and open up to friends and family so you can get their support. You will get there when the time is right for you.

Original poster
runningaway90 · 13/10/2024 21:28

@Ginkypig thank you so much, again a kind message and I appreciate it. I know I'll get there and I know it's so easy to find excuses as I already wish I'd left sooner before other things happened. However I do feel that I need to be in a strong headspace so I don't go running back, which I haven't been until very recently. Appreciate the very non judgemental advice 🙏

OP posts:
Ginkypig · 13/10/2024 20:11

It is an update. A great one!

you are working towards changing your mindset and therefore your life.

stop worrying that you are letting us down!
whatever you decide or don’t and how long this takes is entirely up to you, this is your life. The people who are still here and checking on the thread are here because we want to support you, we believe you can make the changes and deserve to to have a better life than this but we aren’t judging you (at least I definitely know I’m not!)

I will say though and I mean it gently without judgement that there is never going to be a good time to make the break and actually end things properly, you will almost always find a reason to not or think that life circumstances aren’t right at that moment and it won’t be until afterwards when you look back once you are out of the situation and feel safe that you can see with clarity that the time to have left was a long time before you did.

you'll get there @runningaway90 dont be disheartened.

Original poster
runningaway90 · 13/10/2024 19:12

Thanks all, I can't tell you how much I appreciate having somewhere to come back to for advice and it's been so kind and supportive. I have felt quite isolated as I'm not speaking to friends and family about it much while I figure things out so really really appreciate having an anonymous outlet to help me

OP posts:
bigvig · 13/10/2024 19:09

When you leave OP don't let him have his deposit and half the equity he's acrued whilst you've been paying 2/3 of the mortgage. If you are generous enough to let him have his deposit back rather than simply splitting everything 50/50 make sure you get 2/3 of any equity. If he doesn't like that split then 50/50 it is. Don't waste your life on this arsehole!

Bs0u416d · 13/10/2024 18:55

RandomMess · 13/10/2024 18:20

That's such a positive update. It's far better to get yourself in a calm place to make such a big decision.

Yes, I second this. It's so easy to say 'just leave' but life is so often more complicated than that. It sounds like when you do leave (if that ends up being what you want), it will be on your terms and and in a much healther frame of mind, you'll thank yourself for that in the end. Thanks for keeping us all posted.

Bluetrews25 · 13/10/2024 18:55

When you are in a stronger place, you are more likely to be able to follow through and keep your resolve.

Stick with it xx