Does this sound financially fair?

I don’t think it will be hard once you have your living arrangements sorted. I think being in the same vicinity of someone you want tonkeavevis not easy.
sounds harsh butt though out your post he has sounded quite clear that he wants your money over emotionally wanting you. You’re worth more, you know that. Ring your mum, tell her you are having a wobble and she will help you feel better too…x

Stop engaging with him! Nothing you say will make any difference to how he thinks and what he believes, he will never ever see your point of view and he will never emphasise with your side of things.

let him try convince and cajole and manipulate but do not get drawn into the details, do not absorb any of it, let it wash over you and reply with non detail answers and non committal answers. He will say things to get you to bite and will enjoy watching your emotional responses. Give him nothing he can latch on to to draw you in.

look up grey rock,

have you considered moving in with your mum or sister or a friend for a short time until you find a rental? It will cut his constant picking and influence on you.

STOP TRYING TO UNDERSTAND AND ATTACH MEANING TOHIS BEHAVIOUR OR WHAT HE SAYS! Think of him as a different species, you can’t attach normal logical reasoning because he doesn’t fit into normal human behaviour. He is a chameleon, he will show you what he has assessed will result in what he wants it’s as simple as that.

im being harsh with you but this is what you need to hear because you are still emotionally engaged and that means everything is going to be harder. Get behind your emotional shield and don’t come out until you’re safe my lovely let everything bounce of it and don’t try to understand anything at the moment you have time to process everything later or use your therapy time for small pockets. Now is the time for practicality.
think of it like a slow motion car accident, right now you are just keeping control over the car with no time to think then once you come to a stop and are safe you can process what happened, you can look at the bigger picture because you’re not in it anymore.

As others have said he doesn’t want you to go because you are an excellent financial booster for him and he knows he might not get that with someone else. He will try and manipulate you with staying with every trick in the book. Stay strong - you will be so much happier and financially better off in the long run without this man.

As the previous poster said, of course he's going to do everything in his power to persuade you not to split up, as it's to his financial advantage to do so. However, you've been working on this just to our knowledge since 21st February this year, and doubtless it had all been going around in your mind for a long time before you sought advice on MN, so if he hasn't seen fit to sort himself out in that time, then

HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE!!

While I don't want to make you feel bad OP, it's taken you almost a year to reach this stage, please don't waste any more of your life on this man, he truly isn't worth it.

Time to move on, and don't look back! We're all still here, backing you all the way.

Sending you sisterly love and strength - you CAN do this! Stay strong!

Stay strong. Of course he will try to persuade you back, but I’m willing to bet my house that he wouldn’t actually make any concrete changes. Has he suggested a fairer arrangement? Has he admitted using you to elevate his living standards to something he actually can’t afford, and taking advantage of you financially? If not, then nothing has changed.

You have done so well and come so far. You can see this through and life will be better and happier for you.

I’m belatedly catching up but just wanted to say bloody well done! 🎉👏🎉👏🎉

you are amazing to have come so far! I’m so proud of you!

I would keep quiet about the dog for now, don’t raise the subject again. Let him think that you are going to concede on this. Then when you are ready to leave, pick a day he is away and just pack up, take the dog and go. He can start legal proceedings if he wishes but I doubt when push comes to shove he with bother. Don’t give him your forwarding address so he can’t turn up there.

I might be wrong, but I think you said everything for the dog is in your name? Microchip/vet/insurance. Did you organise getting the dog in the first place, did money change hands and can you prove it? If so I doubt he has a case for ownership.

I highly suspect that he doesn’t even want the dog, he just knows how much you care for it, so is using it as a stick to beat you with now that he is losing control of you. Don’t let him see it bothers you. Don’t discuss it.

If you had left sooner I think you would have had doubts, now you can see clearly his abuse and emotional manipulation.

Leaving someone you loved is painful and difficult, leaving someone so clever and manipulating harder still. It's incredibly painful to realise that someone you loved very much doesn't love you on the same way.

You haven’t wasted time you needed that time to be ready.

when you kept coming back here feeling shame and guilt because you felt you weren’t doing what we were telling you you should be we told you yes but you will just don’t drop the idea and keep working slowly forward.

the very act of pushing yourself to come back to this thread over and over despite thinking we were maybe going to berate or judge you for your lack of action showed me you were processing and building within yourself.

of course you want to choose what looks like the easiest way but you know you deserve better and that only you can put the change in is directly because you put all this framework in place to hold you up throughout this.

so no you haven’t wasted time. You built what you needed to sustain you through what was to come.

it is nearly over now, then it will be untangling the last remaining threads from what comes next so he has no ties to you ever again.

The problems are because you won’t change? No, the problems are because you WANT change, and he won’t change.

Anyway, you have got here. Through dozens of small steps and little victories, you are ready to go and have a great life. Well done, deep breath, keep making those steps.

You haven’t wasted time, you have been preparing yourself for the inevitable- lots of people do that. I have done it and when I eventually I was much better because I allowed time to prepare. Do t be so hard on yourself. Get that determination to fairly settle your finances and then there will be no stopping you. But don’t back down and settle for less. If the house needs to be sold, (if his parents will only offer so much and it is below hat you should get) then so be it. But 50/5 from here on in. You’re doing great.

Wowsers you sound so changed and so determined from your first posts. And right from the off we said you’d get there. And you are.
can you start making 50/50 payments to the mortgage to free up some extra money to save for when you move. Hopefully won’t be long before things are resolved. So glad things are moving forward - great news x

I am so happy to see you posting with exactly the mindset I knew even right at the start you would eventually find. I always knew you had it in you and that given time you would find the strength and confidence to talk the steps you needed even though it would terrify you to take them.

i am so so proud of you. I hope you I don’t sound patronising because I feel nothing but pleasure to see you this close to what ever comes next. No matter what it is I just know it will be great because it can’t be worse than the time he has stolen from you.

i can’t wait to see posts from your new life!

I know and you know too that it’s not over yet but you will make it through this next bit too.

We are just strangers on the internet but we are and will be here when you come back here needing strength

OP I have just read every one of your updates. You’re so close to freedom! Well done, this has been hard to read let alone to live through for you. Stay focused and be on the watch for his tactics!

Good luck!

It's amazing what we women can do to help each other, when someone reaches out, isn't it OP? I'm glad that our support has helped you, although sorry if I brought you to the edge of tears.

Remember, we're here for you 24 hours a day, unlike friends and family, who we often feel we can't reach out to in the middle of the night when things have a habit of playing on our minds. Take care of yourself, sending you a girly hug!😀

The “mortgage” payments you made on the old house were technically rent because you had no ownership in the old house. So why did you have to pay half of the estate agents fees when he sold it? It’s either mortgage or it’s rent - he seems to be switching between the two depending on what suits him.

You paying 2/3 of the mortgage on the new house isn’t a fair way to even things out. You need to separate deposit from mortgage. You split the mortgage 50/50 and each month you should save up to make up what he has subbed you for your half of the deposit.

As far as repairs go, you can afford it or you can’t and it will have to wait.

I'm so glad you can so he is abusive, so glad you have people around you.

Life will be better without him.

Well done OP. It is really tough when you know you’re done but the abuser keeps trying to manipulate you. You can see through him now.
He probably still doesn’t believe you’re going to go through with this. Once he realises ( when he gets a letter from your lawyer) he’ll probs stop trying to manipulate. My ex was like this.

I would sit back and calmly watch him trying one tactic after another. It was an interesting study in psychology.

Heartbreaking re the dog. I wouldn’t mention it again but just take her when you leave. It’s unlikely he’ll have the mental energy to do anything about it. He’ll be too busy counting his financial losses.

Well done you OP! It really IS hard when they use every trick in the book to try to make you feel that it's all your fault, and that you need to try harder, but remember, he's been subtly manipulating you for years, in order to get his own way, so he's bound to pull out all the stops, when he can see you, and your money, slipping away.

NOW that the scales have slipped from your eyes, and you can see him for what he really is, it's time for you to get your life back on track WITHOUT him. You know you'll be happier once everything settles down. I won't try and fool you into thinking it will be easy over the next few months, but it WILL be worth it, and you WILL still have people like me, who have been here from your very first post, to give you the support you need. Stay strong, you can do this! We're all rooting for you!