Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does this sound financially fair?

883 replies

runningaway90 · 21/02/2024 09:36

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/12/2024 21:18

Yep have the dog for "contact" and don't return them.

Original poster
runningaway90 · 13/12/2024 21:04

ZebraD · 13/12/2024 20:55

Oh my goodness!! You have done it!! That is amazing - new keys woop woop!
will he go 50/50 on the equity aswell then! If he values you so much. Doubt it.
just well done - enjoy Christmas! What a weight lifted. I hope you feel great and very proud! Any news on the doggy? Can it come with you?

Show quote history

Thanks! Still saying he wants to keep the dog so I don't know how I am going to cope with that but not sure what else can be done and I know he is using the dog to manipulate me into staying. Just trying to accept it but also might kidnap her..😥

OP posts:
ZebraD · 13/12/2024 20:55

runningaway90 · 13/12/2024 19:17

Thanks all ☺️ he's tried every trick in the book to try and get me to stay this week (including saying he's suicidal).. he is even telling me we can split the mortgage 50/50 now!! Apparently he has finally realised what hes been treating me like and now really wants to change... thankfully I have everyone cheering me on here and IRL to keep going and it is just too bloody late. We'll be back here in a few months time when he thinks he's got me again. Almost there, hoping to get the keys to the rental next week and start the new year afresh 🙏

Oh my goodness!! You have done it!! That is amazing - new keys woop woop!
will he go 50/50 on the equity aswell then! If he values you so much. Doubt it.
just well done - enjoy Christmas! What a weight lifted. I hope you feel great and very proud! Any news on the doggy? Can it come with you?

RandomMess · 13/12/2024 19:28

You have to laugh I knew he would suddenly agree to split it 50:50 so bloody fucking predictable.

Smell the freedom!

Oodydoody · 13/12/2024 19:26

Well done OP, great update.

Original poster
runningaway90 · 13/12/2024 19:17

Thanks all ☺️ he's tried every trick in the book to try and get me to stay this week (including saying he's suicidal).. he is even telling me we can split the mortgage 50/50 now!! Apparently he has finally realised what hes been treating me like and now really wants to change... thankfully I have everyone cheering me on here and IRL to keep going and it is just too bloody late. We'll be back here in a few months time when he thinks he's got me again. Almost there, hoping to get the keys to the rental next week and start the new year afresh 🙏

OP posts:
Catza · 09/12/2024 08:15

I've been coming to check on you throughout this thread and I am so happy to hear that you are breaking free!
I found myself in a similarly tricky situation which went on for far longer than necessary so I am also taking the next step alongside you and just wanted to drop in and say that I understand why the process takes so long and it is absolutely OK. Holding your hand all the way xx

KTheGrey · 08/12/2024 21:55

Well done for telling your family - you need people around you. So glad they are helping. Chin up, you can smell freedom and so can he 😀

ZebraD · 08/12/2024 20:33

Ah that’s fantastic news…great for reaching out and getting some help. My family have helped me in the past (loaning money to keep a roof over my head which I will be eternally grateful for)
I hope your viewing goes well. I can’t wait to hear for the next update, woop woop! Exciting!

nutbrownhare15 · 08/12/2024 20:23

I remember your first posts. Willing you on. Re: the dog in time I wonder if you could mention to him that it's actually a good thing that he can have the dog as your new place won't let you have them. No guarantee but if he thinks it will make your life more difficult to have the dog maybe he'll give her to you

Original poster
runningaway90 · 08/12/2024 19:57

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 08/12/2024 19:50

you can do this, you always could
now you need to make sure you will

Thank you x

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 08/12/2024 19:50

you can do this, you always could
now you need to make sure you will

Original poster
runningaway90 · 08/12/2024 19:44

@Ginkypig @Lazypeopledrivemecrazy thanks both, feeling so much stronger and telling myself that I CAN do this whereas I've always felt like it was pipedream and never gonna happen. I know it's taken me so long (too long probably) to get here but appreciate the support and just glad in finally in this headspace!

OP posts:
Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 08/12/2024 19:38

That is truly WONDERFUL news OP! I'm so happy for you that things are really beginning to fall into place! I honestly feel like I know you after all these months, and no, that isn't chastising you for taking your time, simply saying that it's great to see how far you've come. Do please keep coming back and letting us know how things progress.

Original poster
runningaway90 · 08/12/2024 19:34

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 08/12/2024 19:23

You were looking at rentals in August too, weren't you.

Isn't there something happening with the mortgage sometime in the New Year - which is just a few weeks away, like remortgaging or something.

I was looking but I hadn't booked anything. Sorry, I'm trying to take positive steps but you seem to be commenting to show me how little progress I've made? There's a remortgage coming up but not for a few months.

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 08/12/2024 19:23

You were looking at rentals in August too, weren't you.

Isn't there something happening with the mortgage sometime in the New Year - which is just a few weeks away, like remortgaging or something.

Ginkypig · 08/12/2024 18:50

runningaway90 · 08/12/2024 18:44

Feeling really positive and excited for flat viewing. I won't give full details but my financial situation has been made a bit easier after reaching out to family so I could move out pretty much straight away once I get a place sorted. So a huge barrier has been removed for me and feeling very much like it will all work out

Oh that’s great to hear @runningaway90

im sending you all the luck iv got to spare!

just think this time next year you’ll be coming back on here to tell us all your Christmas plans from your brand new life! I can’t wait 😛

Original poster
runningaway90 · 08/12/2024 18:44

Feeling really positive and excited for flat viewing. I won't give full details but my financial situation has been made a bit easier after reaching out to family so I could move out pretty much straight away once I get a place sorted. So a huge barrier has been removed for me and feeling very much like it will all work out

OP posts:
ZebraD · 07/12/2024 08:34

RandomMess · 06/12/2024 22:06

Oh we all know he won't do it but would be curious to see his reaction and how long he can delay sorting it all out and the accusations from the request.

You are so close just keep going one step in front of the other Flowers

I think you’re way off with your comment. There is no curiosity. You’re muddying the water.

OP is way passed this stage.

It’s negotiations on how much he is paying her out for the asset now!

RandomMess · 06/12/2024 22:06

Oh we all know he won't do it but would be curious to see his reaction and how long he can delay sorting it all out and the accusations from the request.

You are so close just keep going one step in front of the other Flowers

Moosegooseontheloose · 06/12/2024 21:46

RandomMess · 06/12/2024 18:35

When he starts on at you again ask him he's ready to own the house 50:50 and start paying 50:50 on the mortgage.

He won't be.

If OP asks this, he might grasp onto it and agree ( but not actually do it).
It will just waste more time and will be another manipulation tactic.

You are doing great,OP. Keep it up and you’ll soon be free if him.
Just stop engaging with him though.

When I was at a similar stage with my ex h, I just told him “There is no point in trying to talk things through with you because you’ll just try to manipulate me again”
He just looked at me and couldn’t find anything to say because he knew it was game over.
We communicated via lawyers after that.

Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 06/12/2024 20:27

runningaway90 · 06/12/2024 18:14

Thanks all this is what I needed. Viewing booked for Monday and can hopefully reserve in advance to give me a month or two to get current house sorted to be able to afford it and they consider pets. Will figure out the in between but feeling stronger this evening. Reminding myself there is no future here x

Pleased to hear this OP. Stick with the plan, you're almost there now!

ZebraD · 06/12/2024 20:11

RandomMess · 06/12/2024 18:35

When he starts on at you again ask him he's ready to own the house 50:50 and start paying 50:50 on the mortgage.

He won't be.

Pointless asking when OP has passed the point of negotiation…

RandomMess · 06/12/2024 18:35

When he starts on at you again ask him he's ready to own the house 50:50 and start paying 50:50 on the mortgage.

He won't be.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 06/12/2024 18:22

There has been no future for a long long time, and during all these months this thread has been running you have been paying x amount extra mortgage !

You've seen a solicitor, you told his sister, you've had a promotion etc. etc and you are still there...