Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does this sound financially fair?

883 replies

runningaway90 · 21/02/2024 09:36

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

OP posts:
Original poster
runningaway90 · 17/12/2024 23:31

Thanks all - he is still trying to manipulate me financially so he is making it really easy to know I'm doing the right thing. I am feeling so so supported by everyone in my life and although I currently feel I am going through the toughest period of my life, I know deep down it's setting me up for a better life. I will look back and be so glad I had the courage to do it when I feel so scared.

OP posts:
Ginkypig · 17/12/2024 22:15

Congratulations!

looking forward to hearing all about it.

Moosegooseontheloose · 17/12/2024 15:48

HarrietStyles · 17/12/2024 12:01

And if you are in SE England I volunteer to help come kidnap the dog with you!

Likewise if you are in scotland !

And planning to move before xmas is amazing news !🥳

Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 17/12/2024 13:44

Thanks for coming back to me OP, that truly is WONDERFUL news! I am SO pleased for you, although don't be surprised if after the move, and when Christmas is out of the way, if you suddenly feel desperately unhappy, as even though recent times have clearly been difficult for you, you will still grieve for what you think might have been. It WILL take time to move passed all that has happened, but be kind to yourself, and try not to look back at what may have been the happy times, if you have to think of him at all, remember how he's always tried to screw you over financially, and good men simply don't do that. So, onwards and upwards.

If you're too busy over the next few weeks to report back, it would be lovely if you can find time in a few months, to give us an update on how you've moved forward. Take care my friend, and best of luck with the move. Above all, have a Merry Christmas in your new home.

Apparentlystillchilled · 17/12/2024 12:17

That’s brilliant that you can move before Christmas! 🎉🎄❤️

HarrietStyles · 17/12/2024 12:01

And if you are in SE England I volunteer to help come kidnap the dog with you!

HarrietStyles · 17/12/2024 12:00

You have come so far, I am so in awe of you. This last part was always going to be the hardest, the what ifs, have I made a mistake etc. But you must know deep down that he has had so many opportunities to treat you as an equal, but has dragged his heels and always looked out for himself above you. You have given him months and months of chances, he knew he might lose you…. and he still hasn’t made big changes. He cannot change to be the man you deserve - someone who treats you as an equal, adores you.

Please tell us all when you are settled into the new place - we could all raise a glass of bubbly for you to celebrate! 🍾🥂

2025 is going to be a fresh new start for you x

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 17/12/2024 11:19

That would be amazing if you have moved by Christmas, what a wonderful new start for the forthcoming new year !

ZebraD · 17/12/2024 11:10

runningaway90 · 17/12/2024 10:54

Yes I should be moving before Christmas! 🎉

Yay!! Get those bags packed woop woop!!

ClockworkDisaster · 17/12/2024 11:09

runningaway90 · 17/12/2024 10:54

Yes I should be moving before Christmas! 🎉

A Christmas to celebrate!

Original poster
runningaway90 · 17/12/2024 10:54

Yes I should be moving before Christmas! 🎉

OP posts:
Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 16/12/2024 23:14

You're on the home stretch now OP! Just a last final burst and you'll be there. Do you actually anticipate being in your new place before Christmas?

Moosegooseontheloose · 16/12/2024 21:57

It is daunting leaving your “ normal” behind. It’s been your comfort zone even though it’s toxic.

You, yourself, realise there is no going back now but it’s natural to think of what could have been (if he had been a decent person). He is the cause of the breakdown of the relationship. He’s had plenty of opportunities to turn things around, pay you back and allow you both to move forward in a mutually respectful and loving relationship. But he hasn’t and won’t. It takes two to make things work.

You're doing great, you’ve come to the point where actions are the next step.
It’s got to the point where you think, “This is it !”Grab the bull by the horns and do it.

You will feel so much better once you’re away from him.
People like him are a drain on your energy. You are 100% doing the right thing !

ZebraD · 16/12/2024 21:05

I think it’s natural to feel the what’s ifs etc. everyone has that feeling I think and also a panic that you’re doing the wrong or could you try harder etc etc. I think it’s normal. The reality is that you are where you for a reason - it just has t worked sadly. So, don’t get overwhelmed. You’re right, you’ll be fine once you’re out of there and have a new normal. You’re doing the right thing for yourself. Don’t worry. x

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 16/12/2024 19:52

You can't actually have any feelings for him by now - do you ?
after the way he treats you financially ?!!!

Selling a house is not a big deal, valuation/s then on the market then offers except in this house it is thought he will be making the offer after receiving money from his parents ?

it could / should all be wrapped up by Christmas.

it always was going to be ' his ' house, he just wanted you to pay a large part of the mortgage.

and as for the roof...

Whatdafudge · 16/12/2024 19:44

No that’s means he would have spent £10k on roof, you would have spent £5k on roof and and then another £10k on house.

so him spending £10k and you £15k - he’s mad and super exploitative.

Whatdafudge · 16/12/2024 19:42

This is mad!

Original poster
runningaway90 · 16/12/2024 19:38

Thanks for all the responses I really appreciate it. I did have a big wobble today but I've gotten my head together. I think it just feels very real with solicitors and valuations happening and I'm still dealing with that hope that things could be different and the doubt that I'm doing the wrong thing. But I know I'll be ok once I'm out of here, everyone's been checking in on me irl and I keep coming back on here for support when I need reassurance and a bit of a vent so thanks again

OP posts:
OrNo · 14/12/2024 20:45

He's saying he wants the dog to keep a hold over you. Don't react to it and at some point he'll realise it's not a point of negotiation anymore and give up. But grey rock anything he says about him keeping the dog till you're in your new house and have a real and actual place to take the dog to.

KTheGrey · 14/12/2024 20:35

So excited for you! Yes, lovely new house and fresh start for 2025!!! Hurray!

SortingItOut · 14/12/2024 10:52

A friend of mine brought a dog with her ex and when they split they had shared custody but one day she just kept the dog and although he threatened to go to court etc he didn't bother and has had no contact with the dog for a few years now.
It was just a way of still having control over her.

AlertCat · 14/12/2024 08:18

Yes, all this time you have politely been showing him how unfair and exploitative he was being and he couldn’t agree, now he’s losing his golden goose and he’s suddenly sorry.
well done, I hope you get the keys as planned and that you also get the dog. If the chip is in your name it should be straightforward.

Apparentlystillchilled · 14/12/2024 00:05

You are amazing @runningaway90 ! We are all here with you!

Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 13/12/2024 23:45

So you liked the rental and went for it then OP? That is FANTASTIC news! I can't tell you how pleased and happy I am for you! Will you be in in time for Christmas? Sending massive congratulations!

ZebraD · 13/12/2024 21:29

Try not to make a fuss over the dog. Keep your emotion held inside. Pray that he tires of looking after the dog and offers him/her to you. Who is the dog registered to?