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Original poster

Does this sound financially fair?

883 replies

runningaway90 · 21/02/2024 09:36

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

OP posts:
Original poster
runningaway90 · 21/02/2024 09:50

@Catza it was not accounted for and all proceeds of the sale were his. He framed this as the fact that I'd never have got a rental so cheaply! I actually paid half of the estate agent fees etc but didn't get anything from the sale. Yes it feels very transactional and I'm worried for my financial state as if we ever had kids or I was made redundant etc I think I'd be expected to still stump up half. I am expected to pay half of the mortgage until it's paid off. I did dispute this when moving here as the mortgage was higher than previous house and again talked about adjusting end ownership % but I feel like he thought I was being a bit of a freeloader and pressured into agreeing. Luckily I have a good job but not getting to enjoy any of the cash I work hard for.

OP posts:
Mumof2teens79 · 21/02/2024 09:49

No it doesn't seem fair.
Are you married? Legally or not do you see yourselves as life partners?

While I understand people who bring more money into a partnership wanting to protect that it's just not possible for most people to leave on a completely equal financial basis.
The world isn't financially fair. He may not see it as fair that he puts more in....but is it fair that some people earn more than others for the same hours worked? Or some houses cost more for same size? Or some people inherit huge amounts of money while others grow up with nothing? No of course not.

So him insisting you okay in the same amount is not fair and not sustainable.

If I was buying a house with a DP (I did years ago) we would still do it on a partnership basis.
The modest deposit came from my parents and that was ring fenced. But as a couple we earn X and as a couple we spend Y.
Just because one earns more or one spends less that person doesn't get to build up huge savings while the other builds up huge debts.

Octavia64 · 21/02/2024 09:47

I would suggest that you ask to make a time to sit down and discuss it with him.

Don't just spring it on him.

And then say that you like the house, it you really cannot afford to keep paying for all the things he wants. And that you are feeling stressed and upset about this because you aren't bothered about living in this house and would rather feel financially less stressed and live somewhere else.

You could then offer options to him:

As he is paying for renovations then you keep a record and he owns more then 50 per cent of the house (this can be done legally)

You both move somewhere cheaper

You move out and get somewhere cheaper on your own.

He is being pretty unreasonable and is basically dictating how you spend your money.

Catza · 21/02/2024 09:45

You paid half of his mortgage for some years, was this accounted for in your original contribution split? Or did he just assume it as his share?
How long for would you need to pay extra mortgage to "balance out" the discrepancy?
Finally, if you can't afford to fix something, you can't afford it. He can finance it or go without. If he want's you to pay him back, you can set a realistic timeline.
The relationship sounds very transactional and I don't see it going on for much longer. I think you need to do proper sums and contact a solicitor.

ZekeZeke · 21/02/2024 09:44

You need to sit down and talk to him.
Tell him everything you wrote in your OP.

Original poster
runningaway90 · 21/02/2024 09:43

@Ponoka7 yes he would be able to afford to keep it on his own but would be very tight. As my name suggests it is just making me want to run away from it all as I am not someone who has ever been in debt nor do I want to be.

OP posts:
Blobblobblob · 21/02/2024 09:43

To untangle this you need a declaration of trust setting out your respective contributions and share of the house going forward. That includes the contributions you made to his previous house.

You should both take independent legal advice before signing any such document, this is a highly complex financial situation.

Ponoka7 · 21/02/2024 09:39

You couldn't afford the house he wanted. Could he have afforded it, without your contribution? He needs to ring-fence what he's putting in and stop getting you in debt. Would he be able to keep the house if this causes a split?