Does this sound financially fair?

If this was me I think I would (PRIVATELY) get financial/legal advice, record the conversation play it back study & understand what was said.
Then I would have a conversation with him. Raise your concerns, see what he says, just listen & nod along. Then compare it to the advice you've been given and go back to him with your suggestions for a better set up (based on the still private professional advice)
If he wont get on board with what's right & fair, well, then you have your answer!

Don't have time to add much but he should pay you back the the fees you paid on his former home. You may need a mediator or counsellor to assist your discussion. Right now you are house poor and it's holding you back from living your life. Maybe you could agree to a smaller share to reflect a smaller contribution.

He shouldn't be giving you grief about the occasional outing with friends. You're allowed to have a life.

OP, I think he resents the fact that you are the higher earner & is trying to punish/sabotage you in order to knock you back down to where he thinks you should be.

"I don't feel I can bring this up and for it to be discussed fairly."

For God's sake don't marry this man then. This isn't what a healthy relationship should look like.

I agree with this. I couldn't respect someone who was lecturing me about my debt incurred when we moved to a house he wanted. And who scammed me into paying half his estate agent fees while pocketing the entire proceeds. This has nothing to do with him giving a larger proportion of the deposit - it is clear you think that is his and you have no wish to claim any of it. This is about him thinking he is building an asset and you thinking you are building a relationship. you aren't. Don't marry him and don't for god sake have a child with him.

You don't want the same things out of life. You don't value the same things. He thinks what he wants matters more than what you want. You don't want to live like this but this is the only way he will live.

If it were me I would get a valuation on the house. I would ringfence his larger deposit (less the extra mortgage payments you've made and less the half estate agent fees) and calculate what you would get out of it if/when sold. Then I would split with him, tell him he can buy you out at a reasonable valuation or put it on the market. Then I'd find someone who liked me better - or live happily stressfree on my own.

Not sure if you read the thread about it being luck that people end up in good relationships. It is a bit of luck but also looking at stuff like this and seeing it for the red flag it is. Every hackle you had should have risen when he expected you to pay half the fees despite him taking all the proceeds.

Aren’t relationships supposed to be a partnership? I pay all of the mortgage ( I had the house before DH and I met) He contributes financially in other ways, some of the bills and the food shipping. I take home about £600 a month more than him. But in my eyes it’s just as much his house as mine. To me it doesn’t matter who pays for what, all money is OUR money. Not his and mine.

OP, I'm not going to confuse you any further, as you've heard enough from other posters to make you realise that you are very definitely NOT BEING UNREASONABLE, in thinking this set up isn't fair.

What I am going to say, is this man has happily been taking you for a ride, agreeing to things while it suits him, so as to get you hooked in, and then changing the goalposts once he's got you. In your shoes, and bearing in mind that you are the higher earner, I would do as one or two other posters have suggested - walk away now, and take him for half of the house, regardless of the fact that he put in more than you. He's had you paying off the interest on the house, while using his money initially to pay for renovations to be done, but then he wants half the money for that too! He's a greedy, conniving, manipulative, bastard, and if you end up having a child with him, I think you should be officially certified as INSANE!!

OK what I've suggested isn't really fair, but none of what he's done to you, and is getting you to pay, is fair either. He's clearly bamboozled you in the first place, and made you think you were buying as a couple, when it's all in his best interests. Get rid of him NOW!!

I couldn’t bear a relationship where finance is like a business transaction between couples.

In fairness, look at the sheer amount of threads you see on here where one person has paid entire deposit, entire renovations etc, while unmarried, and then they split and every reply on those threads is to say how foolish they are to have paid everything/subsidised someone’s life without the protection of marriage… all OP’s partner is doing is keeping things even while they are still two single people, they are both going to get 50% from the sale of the house so there’s nothing at all wrong with making sure you are both contributing equally.

The problem comes where OP is agreeing to financial agreement’s that don’t actually work long term such as paying extra on the mortgage rather than just ringfencing deposits or adjusting %, or where with things like the roof there is no set agreement on who will pay, when and how etc. Lots of people live together before marriage now and are all encouraged from the outset to look after their own interests and not be taken for a ride, there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, but it does require both people to sit, think and come up with an agreement together.

Fundamentally, he is happy for you to struggle so he can get what he wants. He does not see you as a team. He is not a keeper.

You can't afford this house. So he either contributes more or you sell and you take your half. This is no way to live.

It’s all so transactional. I couldn’t imagine a lifetime with someone who is so focussed on their own financial position, to the detriment of their “partner”. Do you love each other? Want the best for each other? Care about each other?

Doesn’t sound like it.

But didn’t you say you were paying more to the mortgage aswell.
stick to original agreement if you are wanting to stay with this

What might be fairer is to pay the mortgage 50/50, but agree to pay him back his additional deposit over time as you can. But I would definitely be deducting costs such as his selling costs from that amount owed.

Definitely do not have a baby with someone as transactional as this though, they will never recognise what that has cost you and be fair about it. And start refusing to do more in the house than him, once in a while diy is nothing like the daily grind of actual housework.

This is skirting the line of financial abuse OP. I’d take legal advice. Honestly, I also wouldn’t want to be with a partner who thought it was OK to leave me stressed, poor and socially isolated while they financially benefited from my pain and got everything they wanted. Would you do that to someone you love?

It's not complicated. Just present him with facts:

1. Half of 15k is 7.5k. So he can spend 15k on the roof and you will pay him back 7,5k or you pay him nothing and spend 15k on other home improvements.
2. His house deposit was £X yours was £X-Y. By paying 2/3 of the mortgage you expect to pay Y by the xx.xx.xxxx date after which you will revert to 50/50 payment. You will take the money you spent on his legal fees from the sale of the house off the total amount you owe him.

This is good advice.

Well I don't understand all the ins and outs of percentage of ownership and who' spaying what because of what, but he sounds like a controlling tightarse OP, and I reckon you'd be happier on your own somewhere you can afford and enjoy.

I think he is trying to scam you sadly.

For simplicity lets say your house cost £300k, he put down £80k, you £20k and the mortgage is £200k. Over 20 years you would pay back about £300k based on an average 4.5% interest rate. If you are paying 2/3s of that you will have paid in total £230k (inc your deposit) and he will have paid £170k (inc his deposit).

That plus the building work scamming, and having you pay down his previous mortgage capital which no acknowledgment of that, makes him sound like a financially abusive wanker.

Personally I would end the relationship, sell the money pit house he wanted, and get my 50% of the proceeds off the solicitor and walk away laughing. But then I dont take kindly to people who say they love me trying to rob me, and am very happy to return the favour in those circumstances.

If he pays 15K for the roof and you spend 10K on other renovations you owe him 2.5 K, not 5K so that you have both spent half of the 25K total (12.5K). If he can’t do this basic maths that might be adding to your problems as he is not going to understand how much extra mortgage you have to pay to even things out taking into account interest etc.

I’ve literally read threads on here from women asking for advice to protect their deposit or their paid off home, when a man moves in with them. They were told to charge rent, whatever you do don’t put him on the mortgage or allow them to pay household bills or they establish a share in the home.

This reminded me of one time I was scammed as a teenager. Someone came up to me when I was working in the shop and asked if I could exchange 10 pound coins for a note. He took the note, looked perplexed for a moment and then gave me both the note and the coins back saying "oh, just give me 20". Before I clocked it, they were out of the shop with an extra £20 I gave them and I was down 10 from the till.
I will give him a benefit of a doubt and say his maths is no good. I would write everything spent by both parties going forward.

Yeah I know you mentioned in your post that you did suggest adjusting % ownership, it’s time to have that conversation again. You need to explain to him that while he is absolutely within his rights to want “his” extra contribution protected/back, that you cannot afford to pay it, so his options are 1) legal document to basically ring fence it to say that upon sale he gets an extra £X (his bit) or 2) legal document to say that upon sale he gets a higher %- up to the two of you to decide which. He’s not unreasonable to want his investment back/protected as you are not married but it needs to be in a way that is viable, so give him those options and have him decide, but be very clear that those are the only options on the table.

With regards to the roof, you need to just press pause on that for now. Don’t agree to anything, don’t let him pay any money to have it done unless you have had a completely transparent and frank conversation about it. You need to stop making financial decisions and then thinking about / dealing with the fall out later, look what’s happening with the mortgage as evidence of that. You need to agree between the two of you exactly what expectations are going to be for paying & repayments BEFORE a single penny is exchanged for the work. If he wants to pay it out of his money then provide him with options, 1) okay, but you will then spend 15k on home improvements when you have the money to do so 2) okay, but you will pay him back on a set payment plan e.g. 200 per month each month alongside paying off your other debts or 3) if he doesn’t want to be completely without these savings for years, which is absolutely fair enough, then you take out a loan for your half of the roof and then he can pay for HIS half from his money, yours is through a personal loan and then you can just make the monthly repayments on the loan in line with your other debts rather than having to prioritise paying him back to replenish his savings.

If you had said he ringfenced his deposit and then you both paid 50/50 on the mortgage going forward with 50/50 on the deeds. Then that would be fair. But you are paying 2/3 of the mortgage, that’s not fair. Minus the deposit, will you get a 2/3 share in the deeds of the home in a few years?

The money you paid towards the previous mortgage can be seen as rent. You would not have got that higher level of property for the same money on the rental market.

Yiu should have a joint bank acc and put an equal amount in for joint holidays and bills/renovations.

Even if you marry, he should get a prenup and postnup regarding the deposit . We would advise a woman to ring fence so why not for a male? They both have jobs and in the case if a split, why should one party get funds the other worked for or even worse their parents or grandparents gift. A split isn’t a windfall of free money.