Does this sound financially fair?

He even charges me petrol money if he has to drive like 1 hour to pick me up and if I do the same back I'm told I'm stingy or that he does more of the driving. It's just a joke

How do you have any respect for this tosser or more to the point in what way do you find this attractive? I'd be planning my exit route, he isn't going to change.

@Gloriosaford sorry I didn't necessarily mean it like that, I just mean that I think he'd think I'm trying to mess him about financially and not wanting to pay my way.

Yes he will be very upset.

I’m getting the vibe that he knows very well that you will be vastly overpaying the mortgage due to compound interest.

He KNOWS and has probably been privately gloating to himself about your lack of financial savvy for some time.

Someone who watches the pennies so closely can not credibility be unaware that they will be overpaid by double? triple? for their investment.

Sounds like a business arrangement, not a relationship.

Up until the last 5 years, I’ve always been on low money, my husband and I have been together 14 years. He has always made sure bills were covered, £2k a month was put in the savings account for house deposit, supported me through university etc.

Now I earn a decent salary, we can be more equal.

If you always feel under pressure, while he is comfortable- is the relationship really going to last?

Your poor aunt @HarrietStyles .

OP this is no way to live, you're young, you should be able to meet your friends and enjoy life a little. As others have said this situation will only get worse if you have DCs.

Yes OP it's not about your actions it's about his beliefs. I hope reading everyone's opinions here has helped you see things without the emotions. Love is a powerful thing, but not all the things we love are good for us of course, and some don't love us back.

He sounds so like my miserly Uncle. My Aunt has stayed with the miserable stingy git for 50+ years and is now a shell of a woman. Please don’t stay and become the same. He started out with small things, but slowly became more and more controlling and ground her down little by little.

My Aunt had to go back to work when the babies were newborn because he refused to pay for more than 50% for anything. Yet childcare and housework were “women’s work” that he did around 0-1% of.

He retired around 55 because he had been a very high earning man. Wife still had to pay her 50% and fund herself, so she had to work another 15 years after him. And you guessed it - all the housework after her full time job.

He was a stingy and mean Father and my cousins hate him.

My Aunt is now 70 and retired…….. but now he controls everything she says and does. She tried leaving him a couple of times over the decades but he always persuaded her she was nothing without him and she went back.

Don’t be my Aunt in 50 years.

Partners should be kind, supportive, generous to each other …………. can you imagine your partner financially supporting you if you had an accident and were out of work for a few months? Or would you get a spreadsheet at the end with every penny he’d spent to support you, with a timetable to pay him back? That’s not how it works for my husband and I - we’ve each been the higher earner in the past, treated each other to nice things, meals and holidays etc because we love each other and like to treat each other. Speak to your couple friends in real life - I’m pretty sure none of them behave like your “dear” partner.

Unless It’s been properly calculated, you do realise that if you’re to pay 2/3 of the mortgage for term, you may end up paying way more than what you owe him for his deposit.
Not to mention interest rate increases which can be crippling.

Is this a healthy relationship ?
Him watching you get drowned in debt and feeling ok about it ?
Does he actually care about you ?

It wouldn’t surprise me if he’s one of those men who feels he’s not quite ready for marriage ( stringer along) because he sounds very obsessed with money and doesn’t like sharing it.

This doesn't seem fair to me and it certainly isn't in the spirit of a mutual partnership, at least not in my opinion. You haven't bought this house as friends, you bought it as a couple. You should be splitting to mortgage 50/50 and unless one of you earns considerably more than the other. He can protect his proportionally higher deposit with a document from a solicitor but you shouldn't be paying him to make it up. He sounds a bit petty and mean.

I read this with interest. As a neutral third party observer can I say OP that it seems your present situation is unfair to you. Both financially and emotionally.
I think you are enmeshed in this relationship and are trying to untangle the two. I couldn't say if it has a chance of working that depends on your partner.
However his values and attitudes are based on a bedrock of suspicion of you. His opinion expressed by you throughout your contributions is that you are trying to rip him off. This is no basis for business partners let alone personal partners.
I have a friend who works with people who have similar issues , that is complex problematic relationships with people and money and emotions, she always says to them, if you could wake up tomorrow and your life be fixed so you would be happy, tell me what is different to now. Then we can work on removing those bits that in your dream are gone. I hope I have explained that right.

What a stingy fucking tightarse. The example where you pay him back and also pay out for repairs… just no. If you haven’t paid him 5k, don’t. If you have, take your repairs money down to 5. And buy a second clothes hamper and STOP cooking or cleaning or doing his washign!! This is what you need to say:
‘I realised you split all the money or charge me more, but you seem happy with me doing a lot of the housework. I’m not happy with this. I’m not happy in a relationship where you’re out to win, I wouldn’t actually call it a relationship. I can’t have a baby with you, it makes a woman very vulnerable and I do not trust you enough. Men who don’t cook or clean or do dishes are also men who don’t parent and change nappies and do night feeds, and men who insist on splitting pennies no matter how little their partner has left every month are men who insist their partners look after a baby 24/7 and still contribute financially. No sane woman should ever have a baby with such a man. I need a real man who contributes fairly, pulls his weight in all ways, and most importantly who care about me. You’re not ticking any of those boxes right now.’

Get the money back for food shopping?

Is this like every time you shop for groceries? How does this go? Honestly, this feels like such a strange set up as a 'loving' relationship.

Maybe you could have a quick session with a financial advisor on your own before seeing a solicitor together, just to help you understand this all and represent yourself a bit better when it comes to those more difficult conversations.

Do you think this relationship is sustainable? Honestly I would be tempted to sell up and split.

@runningaway90 please don't marry this man, and definitely don't have children with him. Reading all your posts just make me so angry on your behalf; he's manipulating you and taking advantage of you. A mean man will never change. I would try and get as much as you can out of this financially, and then run, as fast and as far as you can. I don't say that lightly.

There's a lot wrong with this premise. At it's simplest, it doesn't account for the impact of interest or the time value of money.

If you need solicitors to sort this, you might as well get them to advice of the sale and go your seperate ways.

Maternity leave, if you are planning it, will cause s lot if issues too.

There seems to be a lot of red flags here.

It's very difficult to resolve differences with someone who is do entrenched in their monetary views and doesn't treat you as an equal or see you both as a partnership.

DP and I are buying a house. I have a big deposit he doesn’t. No plans to marry.

We’ve put a declaration of trust in place so that I get my deposit back first when we sell the house, then it’s 50\50. I understand he wants to protect his investment but there’s a better way to do it than to force you into poverty. That’s not fair on you.

You need to tell him that he can ring fence his deposit. Get it legally drawn up.

Then divide the mortgage costs 50.50. As far as repairs are concerned you don't do them until you both have the cash to pay for them. Pay them 50. 50.
If he wants to do the repairs earlier or spend more than you have that is on him and at his expense.

He is getting you into debt. You need to put a stop to it.

Because you trusted him & everything is then interpreted in the light of that trust!
I also think you should get your own advisor, then you can weigh things up without him trying to spin it for his benefit.

He sounds like a tight bastard to me. Doesn’t sound very loving or caring watching you struggle, I think you deserve better OP

Yes you should have. It's actually not funny. I don't know anyone who would have thought "Oh yes, I'd like to date this man, he's lovely" after the birthday voucher thing.

Not only is he a mean man to be with, if you have children with him and split, he'll be an even meaner man to be split from.

You can't say you weren't warned.

I'd be thinking about getting out of this relationship entirely, nothing worse than a tight arse which he obviously is!

No this is not fair. You should have had equal equity of the mortgage you paid. If you hadn't paid towards the mortgage, then he wouldn't have been able to save a bigger deposit. Can't he see that? It all sounds very transactional and not the behaviour of someone who will actually marry you, if his intentions were marriage, he would see everything as 50-50 as they would be in marriage.