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Original poster

Does this sound financially fair?

883 replies

runningaway90 · 21/02/2024 09:36

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 22/02/2025 20:26

my goodness, how long can he drag this out for ?!!!

this thread became one year old yesterday.

Original poster
runningaway90 · 22/02/2025 20:18

Sorry not updated for a while. I have been struggling mentally and a few things happened that have made the money side a bit more difficult (would be very outing if I go into detail). Missing the dog so much. But I have been enjoying my lovely home, been on a solo holiday I've wanted to do for years and been looking for dogs to re-home... Just doing anything to stop myself being talked into going back so taking that as a win that I haven't! I'm sure the mental relief will come soon but just trying to focus on myself. The house will be sorted out fairly over the next few months hopefully 🙏

OP posts:
ZebraD · 23/01/2025 06:26

Make sure you are happy with the settlement and that it is fair. You only get one chance and you’ll live to regret it if you let him off. And they regret is not pleasant - I have been there sadly.

Bigcat25 · 23/01/2025 03:33

Glad that you came to an agreement op, one more big hurdle done.

Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 22/01/2025 23:52

Are you happy with the split of the equity OP, or did he still manage to screw you over?

GrettaGreen · 22/01/2025 20:42

Soon you can totally start afresh, doing things that make you happy, rather than what placates him.

I'm so pleased you've got out. You deserved so much better.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 22/01/2025 20:33

and has it been agreed that you are getting a fair amount - considering all you have paid so far.

Original poster
runningaway90 · 22/01/2025 20:28

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 17/01/2025 10:46

We are now well into the New Year now, how are things progressing ?

Has he repaid you all the money due yet ?

Sorry for the slow reply. We have spoken to a solicitor and agreed the split of the equity. It will take a few months for me to get the equity from the house as a bit complicated with the mortgage but I'm not planning to move for a while anyway so not needing it immediately

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 17/01/2025 10:46

We are now well into the New Year now, how are things progressing ?

Has he repaid you all the money due yet ?

Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 01/01/2025 00:09

Happy New Year OP! Sorry your New Year's Eve went pear shape, but 2025 has got to be a better one for you.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 31/12/2024 20:19

2025 can only be better for you !
having said that, don't I recall a promotion in 2024 and a couple of breaks away / holidays ?

Original poster
runningaway90 · 31/12/2024 19:14

Thanks for the responses. Sadly been ill for a few days so all my plans to keep myself occupied have been cancelled and spending my new year's eve alone. But doing okay and finding it a wee bit funny how tonight's not gone to plan, just like the rest of my year! Settling into the new place and feeling a bit better. Hope you all have a great new year and thanks for all the support 🥂

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 27/12/2024 22:22

Did you say you are now in a new town ?

You could have a look at Meetup, as i believe it may have all sorts of social activities on it.

So not necessarily looking for new friends, nor looking for a new hobby but just the occasional meet up with others to do something you may like to do ?

I happened to look locally last week, and the nearest activity that day was Exeter so 20 something miles away, but actually it was being held in Torquay a town near where i live.
and it was a simple meet up, they were meeting at the train station and walking to see / look at Torbay's ' bay of lights ' an illumination trail.
and if anyone was interested there was the suggestion of a meal in Torquay at the end.

ZebraD · 27/12/2024 22:04

hang on to the thought you are where you are for a reason … it’s like a rollercoaster at first but it’s such a big change. You’ll be fine, have faith.

Ginkypig · 27/12/2024 21:45

runningaway90 · 27/12/2024 21:25

Thanks and you too. I am struggling today and every part of me just wants to go back to my old life and I don't know why but just trying to remind myself how terrible things were. I'm sure there will be lots of ups and downs over next few months

Show quote history

This is what I posted on here just a few days ago and I’m going to repost it

it’s going to feel overwhelming and sad even sometimes. You might swivel and feel like you made a mistake but just take each day at a time and eventually you’ll hardly ever look back. Once you really get used to your new life you will wonder why you waited so long!

I posted it then because I knew you would feel like this once the adrenaline of actually moving out settled.

this is a completely normal part of the process. What you’re feeling is exactly what was going to happen but it will pass.
you are in the new and it is scary! You will be ok though just keep on forward for now

Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 27/12/2024 21:35

It's natural you're feeling a bit lost today OP, after all, the excitement of Christmas has now been and gone, Boxing Day too, so I think a lot of people are probably feeling a bit flat today, and that's without going through what you have this year. Why not start making some plans for 2025's holidays? Have you made any plans for New Year? If not, then maybe call round a few friends, perhaps invite them to 'warm' your new place, it doesn't have to cost an arm and a leg, just some good friends, and everyone can bring a dish and a bottle. Try and keep busy, and do some exercise to bring out those feel good endorphins. You've got this!!

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 27/12/2024 21:30

Why why on earth would you want to return to a life where you are financially abused ?

Go on Right Move etc. and start thinking about what and where you could buy when he repays you your money.
Make plans on how you see your new home being.

Plan another holiday or break away in the UK

Reread all your comments on this thread.

Original poster
runningaway90 · 27/12/2024 21:25

Ginkypig · 27/12/2024 21:13

Just a quick message to say happy Christmas @runningaway90

i know you are worried about the dog but try to focus on yourself for now until you get settled

Thanks and you too. I am struggling today and every part of me just wants to go back to my old life and I don't know why but just trying to remind myself how terrible things were. I'm sure there will be lots of ups and downs over next few months

OP posts:
Ginkypig · 27/12/2024 21:13

Just a quick message to say happy Christmas @runningaway90

i know you are worried about the dog but try to focus on yourself for now until you get settled

GivingitToGod · 27/12/2024 19:52

runningaway90 · 21/02/2024 09:52

sorry that should read I am expected to pay 2/3 of mortgage until it's paid off

This seems very unfair OP.
All very complicated and I understand why u feel as u do.
This doesn't fair well for a longterm relationship with kids etc.
I'm sorry that I am unable to give u any constructive advice but you shouldn't have to explain why you are enjoying meals out with friends etc.
This seems like a slippery slope

Jamlighter · 27/12/2024 19:43

Get this in writing properly noted andwith legal advice

KTheGrey · 27/12/2024 19:19

I second the idea of telling him you are ‘getting a puppy’. It’s bound to happen one day anyway.

Congratulations on Independence Christmas Day🎄 Hope you are taking care of yourself.

NigellaAwesome · 27/12/2024 16:46

@Balancedcitizen101 tell us you haven't read the thread without telling us you haven't read the thread 😂.

Op, well done, what a fantastic update. I hope you have a great solicitor and don't be prepared to compromise too much over the house.

Re the dog, I agree that the more he knows it's important to you the more he will use it as leverage. I like the idea of telling him puppy you are getting a puppy. I'll guarantee DDog will be handed over in next to no time.

Balancedcitizen101 · 27/12/2024 10:48

I'm not sure how you would best get out of this situation but the man you are describing is too money focussed, you're meant to be a partnership, not a banker and a borrower. I would try to set some better boundaries and say it's wearing you down. If he can't accept that then it's time to leave.

Oodydoody · 27/12/2024 10:36

RandomMess · 27/12/2024 09:32

Yes offer to take the dog for a walk or doggy daycare or similar and just not return.

Perhaps if you mention you are getting a puppy he may decide he wants to "burden" you with existing one.

Great suggestions.
I think the puppy one is genius.

Tell him you are getting one so will be busy with it.

But just taking the dog and not returning it is good too😁

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