Does this sound financially fair?

You're not to blame, OP. Reasonable people don't walk into relationships expecting to be taken advantage of. They expect that both partners are operating from a position of fundamentally wanting things to be fair and pleasant for both of you. When you think you love someone, it takes a while to twig that this isn't the case.

The problem here isn't the housework or even the money. It's more fundamental than that and they are a symptom of it. There's a massive imbalance in power in this relationship. He holds the power and wields it over you, getting everything he wants and everything to run his way. You don't have or exercise any power and are afraid to raise things that bother your and / or don't believe in holding your own point of view or that your own demands are valid or worth making, and in your mind will anyway be overridden by his will and dominance.

There are reasons - meeting when young, trusting, naive, wanting a life with someone, not being ruthless or cynical; the psychological pressure that women feel to please, to live up to what's expected, show willing to contribute financially often to compensate for a common suspicion that they might be after a man for money, which he probably holds.

Now you are embedded in a relationship that you want and believe in and hope for the future. You still trust and think of going to a solicitor together, while I think you need to get legal advice alone to protect your interests. This man won't change because that kind of extreme attitude to money is not normal and is part of a mean, pinched character. It's a lot to contemplate but it is better to realise now what your relationship and life together would be like, than later on when further in with marriage and children.

He can’t MAKE her pay for any of those things, he has asked her to and she has agreed. OP has walked into this whole arrangement pretty blindly and without having the big tough conversations about how it is all actually going to work and that’s the problem. He can ask for whatever he wants, so can she, the other person doesn’t have to give it though.

They need to sit down and really work out who pays what, who owes what, who can afford what, and how that works for them going forward. A spreadsheet is the best idea really, there’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting everything equal however there needs to be clarity and transparency about what that looks like and exactly what that means.

This is so wise. I went out with a mean man once, in my twenties. We split up for other reasons, but three decades on, according to a mutual friend, he is still mean. I didn't even bring the subject up, my friend was complaining about him 😃

OP & her partner are still currently, legally, 2 single people. Meaning if either of them were to seek financial advice they would he told to protect their own investments and that’s what he is trying to do, it’s just being gone about in the wrong way.

and the petrol money, refusing to pay for tv subscriptions, making her pay for HIS estate agent fees and all the other stuff?? How do you explain that? Going about being a nice guy the wrong way?

OP, I'm going to give you the advice my mother gave me and I give my children - don't end up with a mean man and don't end up with a jealous man. You have a mean man and meanness (like jealousy) isn't one of those faults that is contained in one area of life - it permeates everything - as you can see because you are living it. every lift home from work, every dinner out, every bloody tv subscription there it is - his meanness in action. I'm a lot older than you and I can tell you that if you stay with this man and especially if you have children with him you will regret it all your life.

Also this is an odd bit of advice but read Last Chance Saloon by Marian Keyes. You will see a very accurate depiction of your relationship in it (and it's not a bad book either)

The big difference in your situation though is that all of this happened after you were married. At that point, it’s all a bit irrelevant who paid what, for whom, how much etc because in marriage you are literally legally agreeing to combine your wealth/assets etc.

OP & her partner are still currently, legally, 2 single people. Meaning if either of them were to seek financial advice they would he told to protect their own investments and that’s what he is trying to do, it’s just being gone about in the wrong way.

One rule for him, one rule for another. And petrol money 😱 You need to seek legal advice urgently then lay allllll of this out and ask him directly to account for all his actions by listing them individually. If he hears it all in one go like we have perhaps he’ll realise just how unkind his stinginess and selfishness is.

OP, I am your partner in this scenario (sort of).

DH moved into my flat when we married - I was the sole owner. I also earn more than him. When we bought a new property together the entire deposit came from me - from an inheritance and from equity from the sale of the flat. We now have a joint mortgage.

Never in a million years would I be petty enough to expect him to pay a higher share than me every month in order to “make it fair,” watching him struggle while I lived it up on my larger salary. Because we are a partnership and a team. Not just two people with a business arrangement.

And coupled with the fact that the move was something that only HE wanted? Sorry, but something feels very, very wrong here to me.

Don’t even try to pretend that this scenario is the same but with different advice because the genders are reversed! 😂 What nonsense.

The advice is different because this is a completely different scenario and nothing to do with their genders! They both own the house equally. Nearly every poster has suggested that he should ring fence and keep his deposit for himself, and that they should both be paying an equal amount going forwards. They are suggesting that both partners should be treated equally and with kindness towards each other.

I think it’s pretty clear who is being taken for a ride in this scenario

The petrol money thing is awful, what an arsehole!

also if you left now, I believe that you could technically take half the sale proceeds of the house as he did not ring fence his deposit. I know someone who was in a similar situation and did this. You may not feel comfortable doing so but it sounds like he’s screwed your out of a lot of your money so I would do it. That’s just me though!

My mind is a bit blown by all of this and to be honest you dont sound like you are in a relationship but rather a business together.
As a couple we have 1 pot, expenses go out of there, big things are discussed (car, washing machine, anything over about £100), little things are not.
It is great for him with his monthly spending, only 1/3 mortgage to cover, how marvellous for him. Shit for you.
I would sit down, not take any shit and suggest you get a document drawn up whereby his and your deposits are both ringfenced for each of you and any further equity is split 50/50 and going forward you split bills 50/50. If he doesnt want that then I would be suggesting that the house goes up for sale and you go your separate ways as you wont be made a mug of anymore (to be honest, if he wasnt up for a conversation about this then I would be leaving). You cannot go on like this, your life will just be one big financial struggle.

Posts where the woman owns the house and the man wants to move in and share bills but pay no more than that are always without fail calling the man a cocklodger. Taking the woman for a ride. Advice is given to make sure he doesn't contribute to the mortgage but instead pays rent or a bigger share of bills otherwise he could claim on the house in the event of a break up. Yet when it's the other way around...

Boiling frog syndrome.

When you first get together as younger adults, you're both working, usually full-time, and don't have caring responsibilities. It makes sense to split things 50/50 financially and not to subsidise each other.

But relationships adapt and financial situations adapt. In particular, as relationships develop, women are often socialised to take on more of the 'homemaker/caring' responsibilities. You see an uneven split of household chores developing, but the chores involved for a household of 2 adults are rarely so onerous that the imbalance is obvious. So you might say, "I do more of the cooking, but I like cooking" or "I tidy up more, but I guess I just have higher standards" or "I don't mind doing his laundry, because I'm doing mine anyway, it just makes sense". And you still have leisure time and free income, so it doesn't feel like a huge imposition. You see yourself as investing in the relationship - e.g. doing DIY, paying for household stuff, doing nice things for your partner.

Ultimately, that doesn't work unless they see the relationship the same way - the two of you working to build a worthwhile and enjoyable joint life together, with each partner happy to do their share.

It's when some financial stress happens (in your case) or, more commonly, when children come along that the situation tends to explode. Because suddenly there isn't the spare money/time to have leisure time and do nice things unless both partners are pulling their weight in both the financial and non-financial sense. So whereas before you might have accepted the inequality because it didn't seem that big a deal and you still had a nice life, now you haven't showered in 3 days because the baby won't stop screaming and your partner refuses to hold them, you're at the end of your overdraft while they have thousands in savings and you haven't eaten properly in days while they're cooking or ordering food in just for themselves.

If there's any sense in which you can see that being a reality, then please think about how you can exit.

Don't beat yourself up op. He has been working to keep you in the dark but now you've had a glimpse of the light and the spell he put you under is broken.

Haven’t RTFT but don’t understand the logic of why your contributions towards his previous mortgage he was able to absorb? You were not his lodger you were his life partner. At that point you are no longer paying him, you are contributing to a joint cost (the mortgage) because you LIVE TOGETHER, not as landlord and tenant. It’s not comparable to you paying rent somewhere else; at all!!!
OP got to say, m his approach to the financials would be a worry to me in a future husband… what happens if you have a baby and have to contribute less while on maternity leave… will he invoice you and you’ll have to device a payment plan to pay back your share. Being in a couple isn’t always going to be about 50/50 it’s about what is fair, because you love each other and are building a life together in which each person has unique contributions, not always financial.
This sounds like housemates with benefits.

@runningaway90 you think that way because the person you are with worked tirelessly and methodically to convince you that this is the only way. It's not on you. It's how abusive people operate to get their way.
You saw it now so you have the power to change things. I thought initially, this was just a bit of misunderstanding and miscalculation on his part but your updates show that this is a systemic issue and I think you need to cut your losses and make a swift exit (with 50% of equity). It will only get worse.

I think it's important that you keep your powder dry here op. Don't let him know that his game is up until you have everything properly worked out, taken and absorbed proper advice, all the figures, worked out a plan etc.
Don't give him any opportunities to out maneuver you.

This one's not a keeper, OP.

He's the sort who will expect you to get into debt to fund your own maternity leave/childcare, while his contribution to the household finances remains unchanged and he still has most of his salary for himself. As if your joint children are a nice little hobby for you alone.

He's quite good at turning things round and convincing me otherwise if I ever bring up unfairness in terms of money or house chores so I guess that's got into my head that things are fair
Of course he has, he knows he's on to a good thing with you and as soon as he smells that you might realize things aren't fair he works very hard to shut you down before you get chance to see the light.
He's known you for a while and he's had lots of practice at manipulating you so that he gets all the benefits of this arrangement.
This is not me accusing you of being daft. You're just a decent person who's default setting is to trust others. Unfortunately that makes you a sitting duck for those who want to exploit (I speak as a person who has learned the hard way)

He sounds horrendous. I could not be with someone so tight and controlling. My partner put down 100% of the deposit on our house but we will both be paying 50% of the mortgage. To account for this we have a deed of trust basically saying if we ever split up and sell he would get 60% and me 40%. He literally never makes me feel lesser than because of it and always reminds me that things will even out over time.

Meanness with money and this level of selfishness is such an unattractive quality. I don’t know how you can bear to be with him.