Does this sound financially fair?

I seriously think a meeting with a financial advisor will do you a great deal of good. On your own of course. Explain how much you have put in and when. Ask for what is common in these circumstances and they will give you various scenarios and I can guarantee none of them will match what you are doing!

This conversation should help you go into any discussions with a level head and confidence, because if you ain't leaving this guy (amazingly you sound on the fence!) then you got to sorts this out properly.

What are you planning to do about this OP? You keep saying you’re planning a discussion with him. When is this happening?

He has such a horrible attitude. There’s no team here at all.

It’s very dangerous that he thinks of his money as buying your labour.

Nit only do you have to be beholden to him for his larger deposit you have to pay it back AND do more skivvying.

Never have children with this person.

Hard to argue? What exactly is hard to argue?

OP, you need to take some responsibility. Not for having less money. Plenty of couples don't pay equally into a house. This is NORMAL. DH is paying 4x more than me- at least- when we buy next year. Do I feel grateful? Sure. Do I feel indebted to him? Hell no. Also he does more than his fair share of housework and looks after most of our finances while I'm on mat leave.

But if you stay, you need to take responsibility for staying with a miser who treats you like a house slave. This is your choice, one which you are making.

My mum stayed with my dad for 30 years, had a bunch of kids with him, kept getting herself in deeper, but eventually divorced him because the toxicity never stopped. But even today she acts like she was a third party in it all, like she never had a choice. The exact mentality that caused her to throw her life away. I can't believe you're even contemplating doing the same after the whole conversation of this thread.

Please don't do this. You have one life. Don't choose whatever this hell is over happiness.

If leaving seems impossible to you, please see a therapist. This man has obviously crushed your self-esteem and you need to talk to a professional to get his toxicity out of your head.

You poor fucker, STOP doing any housework for him. ‘You’re an adult, do some laundry, or fuck off. Slavery is illegal.’

you need to get the house sold and leave. Do not leave with less than you put in. He had an inheritance for gods sake, this man has earnt FUCK ALL. He hasn’t earnt a relationship and he doesn’t deserve one. You’re paying to be in a relationship with him.

Op what's he's said tells you everything you need to know.

I'm a higher earner significantly and we financed an entire 300k+ extension on my salary and ability to borrow, sold the house and made some gains, we are now in a smaller project. At no point ever do I think more of this house is mine, we pay pretty much 50/50 for most things.

Your DP is controlling and sounds awful.

At no point in this thread did I read that you love the house, or have any emotional tie or feelings towards it?

Sounds like you're funding his dreams.

He would probably tally it up and make you pay it back!

You wouldn’t take this if it were a loan from the bank.

The loan is too big for you and it is breaking you.

Anyway, I thought what you essentially have IS a 30 year loan from the bank! It’s a mortgage and YOU are paying all the interest!!!

It is actually HIM who couldn’t get this good a deal anywhere else!!!!

I hope you do the right thing for yourself. He doesn't seem to want to let you have anything. That's not going to go well for you, or if you have children, for them.

Sure. Buy a sports car that would just depreciate in value vs a house that will likely increase massively in equity and contribute to his own retirement. And he's acting like he's doing you a favour lol.

The future is what you make it to be. It's between you deciding if you are going to be his unpaid slave with this house hanging like a noose around your neck or if you're going to get out.

And these type Scrooge characters only get tighter with age. He'll be tight with your kids too.

He's manipulative, lazy in the house and a miser. Not sure what there is to love, but you're obviously a much nicer and forgiving person than me.

Is it a loan or an investment in your relationship?

He seems to think his additional "investment" has bought him a household skivvy.

Sorry to read that. I don't know. He just weighs everything in money and himself. You love him. I think you could have a happier life with someone more giving. Interesting to see another thread which is somewhat similar, even down to the petrol money. Shocking. Honestly, there are decent men who are not like this.

Sorry to be blunt but this man does not see you as an equal partner. Not at all. Not in any way. He thinks that he is superior to you, his wants and needs are more important than yours, and that he can treat you as badly as he pleases. This most recent statement would be the mail in the coffin to me.

I think there would be no reasoning with this man, you could explain and explain again about how unfairly he is treating you and he just won’t see it or change. I honestly think he is a lost cause. You deserve so much better.

Wow @runningaway90 I mean he is right, no other loan would allow that over 30* years, but the fact he’s told you now that that’s how he views it, he see’s it really as a purely business transaction, you need to decide where you want to go from there.

I’d really encourage you to think ahead, if this is how he behaves now how do you think he will behave when you are on maternity leave (if you plan on kids)? What will the finances look like when there are children involved? Are those conversations you have had?

You can’t afford your share of this house. His insistence on parity in all things means you have to tell him you can’t afford it and either you draw up a new agreement (whereby potentially you have a smaller share of the house) or you move.
Him not accepting that your previous mortgage payments allowed him to build equity at your expense makes me thing he is a CF. I would not want to build a life with someone like that . If you redraw the boundaries which I completely advise you to do if you are staying with him, legal advice is a must! Spreadsheets be damned! Do not save money before paying off cC debt that is also madness.

He even charges me petrol money if he has to drive like 1 hour to pick me up and if I do the same back I'm told I'm stingy or that he does more of the driving.
This isn't a partnership in any way, he's suing your earning power to finance himself. You should leave, sooner rather than later, he won't change.

😁.
He'll be the sort who, when they arrive, will view children as a nice little hobby for the OP and therefore entirely her responsibility and expense 🙄.

him driving you to hospital & saying I want £20 from you for giving you this lift???
If he suggest having children you should ask him to 50 grand up front for the use of your womb for nine months.

Op what you paid towards the last mortgage should count towards your share of the deposit for this house.

I could understand you paying extra towards the mortgage for this house until your payments equalled his (revised) deposit, but that should then change.

He sounds entitled, selfish & miserly. Using you as a cashpoint for "your share" of what HE wants, on HIS terms. Do you really want to stay with this specimen? Can you imagine being in labour, him driving you to hospital & saying I want £20 from you for giving you this lift???

Work out exactly what you have paid into this house, (full revised) deposit, mortgage, fees, repairs. Then 50% of any increased value. He can buy you out or you both sell up.

Buy your own nice low maintenance modern house & enjoy spending a bit of your own money on what YOU want.