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Original poster

Does this sound financially fair?

883 replies

runningaway90 · 21/02/2024 09:36

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

OP posts:
Xoxoxoxoxoxox · 03/03/2024 20:13

If it had been the other way round and you had the larger deposit I bet that you both would be paying 50/50 on the morgage and I guess that you would still doing all the housework for him as well.
There would be no bullshit talk of the 'one that pays the larger deposit should do none of the house work for life'.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 03/03/2024 19:34

You need an accountant and a solicitor.
Do not marry him in the meantime, and do not have children with him either in the meantime or until you are married - if indeed you do marry him.

ZebraD · 03/03/2024 19:30

I am glad that you are going to see a solicitor, at least it will give you some kind of legal clarity as to where you stand. Really sorry you’re in this situation, it’s awful when reality catches up with you. Best of luck moving forward. There are happier times ahead x

KTheGrey · 03/03/2024 17:16

Pleased to hear you are going to see a solicitor. You may be a bit shell shocked at the moment, but it sounds like you are definitely doing the right thing.

WulyJmpr · 03/03/2024 17:10

He's treating you like a slave and cash cow.

maddening · 03/03/2024 16:23

I.would work out how much you both paid - starting with the time you started paying half his mortgage on his old house

Abitofalark · 03/03/2024 16:20

It's not even about the money or about being equal or calculations of one kind or another to even things up or fix an imbalance. Going beyond all that is the issue of largeness and generosity of spirit towards one's life partner: being loving and giving to the one you love and intend to live with or marry, have children and spend the rest of your life with.

If you don't have that and can't have that from this man because it's not in his nature or capacity, what do you have with him, apart from his control, mean spiritedness and demands on your life, labour and finances? You've become enmeshed in this existence where you have no power and it's difficult to break out of the emotional involvement so you've ended up staying, yet you yearn to run away. It can be done: you have a job, an income and means to go and see a solicitor as a first step to find out the legal and financial lie of the land and take your bearings from there. You are capable and accomplished but you don't have power in this part of your life until you take it up and exercise it.

ShakeNvacStevens · 03/03/2024 14:02

rwalker · 03/03/2024 13:57

I think the easiest way is to strip it back and workout How much you have both paid

does tbh sound like he’s paid a lot more than you

So looking long term
he’s paid a significant deposit and 1/3 of mortgage
you’ve paid small deposit and 2/3 of mortgage
and you both end up owing 50%
so logically it does seem fair but extremely complicated way of doing

But it’s all for a house OP doesn’t particularly want to live in and doesn’t want to financially stretch herself that much for. Plus her doing nearly all the housework. Plus her not being allowed to spend a little of her own finances on a night out without him getting pissy about it. Plus 50:50 only being paramount unless the unfair division happens to go in his favour, in which case let’s not be petty. This whole relationship is toxic.

rwalker · 03/03/2024 13:57

I think the easiest way is to strip it back and workout How much you have both paid

does tbh sound like he’s paid a lot more than you

So looking long term
he’s paid a significant deposit and 1/3 of mortgage
you’ve paid small deposit and 2/3 of mortgage
and you both end up owing 50%
so logically it does seem fair but extremely complicated way of doing

espressyourself · 03/03/2024 13:43

runningaway90 · 03/03/2024 12:49

Yes I can't stop thinking about it all this week and I need to get out of this situation. It's not as if the finances is all that's going on as he doesn't even treat me like he likes me half of the time either and certainly not an equal ! I'm so worried about ruining my life staying here so I am going to speak to a solicitor, I've written down what I have paid already so I have that.

Good decision to see a Solicitor, also an Accountant might help with advice? Once you have some solid information you will feel better about tackling this. First get your information, this will help you feel much more confident about planning your next move. Don't bother talking to him until you get professional opinion, it's much better to get yourself fully informed so you can't be bamboozled by him being able to twist things to his advantage. Remember Knowledge is Power👍

Original poster
runningaway90 · 03/03/2024 13:36

@ShakeNvacStevens yes he'd said that he worked hard through his 20s to get that large a deposit (which isn't even true as I mentioned before it was partly a gift / from house proceeds) and so it was positioned as though now I have to "work hard" to make it fair. The more I think about it all I think he just completely lacks respect for me. Partly because this is who he is and I'm sure he would treat any other partners this way too. And as so many have said, I dread to think how hard I would have to "work" if we threw kids into the mix too 😕

OP posts:
ShakeNvacStevens · 03/03/2024 13:27

Bluetrews25 · 03/03/2024 08:20

Hang on a minute.
Because he put in more deposit you are having to match his contribution with cash AND with free labour (housework etc)? So you are paying twice?
Just think about that for a while, OP.

I was going to say the same thing. He can’t expect you to do all the housework to compensate him for contributing more for the deposit (which would still be wrong of him anyway) yet insist you pay 2/3 of the mortgage to also make up for this. Honestly OP this is abusive behaviour on his part.

Toomanyemails · 03/03/2024 13:23

Just read all your updates OP. As well as a solicitor, can you speak to a trusted friend and/or someone professional, I imagine you could ask charities that support women experiencing financial abuse if they can signpost you to resources? This isn't necessarily financial abuse in your case, more just a mean partner, but it's certainly a situation that disadvantages you.

Toomanyemails · 03/03/2024 13:02

runningaway90 · 21/02/2024 09:50

@Catza it was not accounted for and all proceeds of the sale were his. He framed this as the fact that I'd never have got a rental so cheaply! I actually paid half of the estate agent fees etc but didn't get anything from the sale. Yes it feels very transactional and I'm worried for my financial state as if we ever had kids or I was made redundant etc I think I'd be expected to still stump up half. I am expected to pay half of the mortgage until it's paid off. I did dispute this when moving here as the mortgage was higher than previous house and again talked about adjusting end ownership % but I feel like he thought I was being a bit of a freeloader and pressured into agreeing. Luckily I have a good job but not getting to enjoy any of the cash I work hard for.

But likewise he'd never have got a mortgage so cheap without your contribution! And if you'd paid for a rental you've have had your own space etc, moving in with a partner isn't equivalent. Unless he previously had a lodger and ended that arrangement for you to move in, he sounds consciously or unconsciously manipulative and isn't working as a team.

Bluetrews25 · 03/03/2024 12:57

Oh @runningaway90 you are worth so much more than this.
That is no way to be treated on its own, but he doesn't even seem to like you half the time? No no no no no.
Don't be his cash cow any longer.
Best wishes x

Original poster
runningaway90 · 03/03/2024 12:49

Yes I can't stop thinking about it all this week and I need to get out of this situation. It's not as if the finances is all that's going on as he doesn't even treat me like he likes me half of the time either and certainly not an equal ! I'm so worried about ruining my life staying here so I am going to speak to a solicitor, I've written down what I have paid already so I have that.

OP posts:
Moosegooseontheloose · 03/03/2024 12:08

runningaway90 · 01/03/2024 07:57

You're right it is a choice and my eyes have been opened to what's going on so I would only have myself to blame in 10 years time if I keep putting up with this. I think he has manipulated my way of thinking as on one hand I think "what a prick" but on the other I think well he's right that he's invested all his savings and I'm technically benefitting from that. But can see from the responses here that this is not how things should work and I shouldn't have this held over me, constantly fighting to feel like an equal just because of a house deposit.

Show quote history

So what, if anything are you going to do about it, OP?

Go see a lawyer and start the process of breaking free.

Only once your out of this relationship will you realise just how toxic it is.

Can you move in with parents or friend for a while to allow you to think clearly away from him ?

You could sort this through lawyers from a distance.

Imagine you in a place of your own, spending your money on things which benefit you.

He sounds like a parasite and sucking the life out of you. That’s aside from how much he’s benefiting financially at your expense.

Get rid !

Coconutter24 · 03/03/2024 09:10

In this situation I would have had both deposits ring fenced then you both pay 50/50 for bills, home improvements and maintenance. Then if you sell he gets his deposit he put in, you get yours and any equity is split 50/50

Laurama91 · 03/03/2024 08:46

The house we live in now is mine. We know this isn't our forver home. The next house we plan to just protect my deposit and 50/50 from there. I believe this would have been a good option for you. It seems a lot of stress to have to pay extra to make up his deposit.

Pheeeeebs · 03/03/2024 08:37

He is making all decisions and you pay half?
so you don’t have a say .. as in I can’t afford to replace the windows for example, and he does it anyway, then asks for half?
fuck that. He’s taking the piss. You are in a stronger position than you realize. Yuo are 50/50, I’d frame it that if you can kids what’s going to happen then, yuo still pay half !!! Come on please see that he is financially using you !

Bluetrews25 · 03/03/2024 08:20

Hang on a minute.
Because he put in more deposit you are having to match his contribution with cash AND with free labour (housework etc)? So you are paying twice?
Just think about that for a while, OP.

Cloverforever · 02/03/2024 12:05

There are lots of calculators online that will show you how much interest you pay over the course of a mortgage, as opposed to capital. This would help you get a better idea if you don't want the expense of seeing a financial adviser. You will need to know what interest rate you are paying though.

KTheGrey · 02/03/2024 09:43

Have you done the sums? How much you have put in, how much you are putting in now monthly, what proportion of that is repayment of capital and how much is interest?

Because I think if you do the sums you may realise that if he pays you back (ie buys you out) and you leave you will be significantly better off.

OhamIreally · 02/03/2024 09:31

What's the point of staying though OP? You're miserable. He's determined to extract every last penny from you, whilst also extracting unpaid labour. You are being exploited left right and centre and he doesn't love you.

Original poster
runningaway90 · 01/03/2024 20:36

SaladIsShitAndWeAllKnowIt · 01/03/2024 08:31

What are you planning to do about this OP? You keep saying you’re planning a discussion with him. When is this happening?

He has such a horrible attitude. There’s no team here at all.

I don't know. I have had a few conversations with him already but just not ultimatums. It's hard. But I am feeling quite miserable and I think this treatment is impacting my self esteem. I just don't know but events of even the last week or so are making me wonder why I'm wasting my time with someone like this. Just not sure I'm quite ready to leave yet despite the huge amount of evidence that I should.

OP posts: