Does this sound financially fair?

Is there something you're waiting for?

Take the first step and see a lawyer on your own.
It’s not a commitment to leave but it’s a step in the right direction.What they tell you might strengthen you resolve to leave.
Maybe it will help to speak to someone irl about it first.

I'd agree, you don't. But I'm a little concerned by your last few posts as I can see you still haven't made up your mind to leave. This man is financially and emotionally abusing you, and every day you stay, he digs his claws in deeper.

I know you might want someone to come on and tell you a positive story about how their own partner was similar but then changed, and now all is well. But that doesn't happen. His nature is ingrained in him and the only option you have is to decide if you are going to put up with it for the rest of your life or walk away to something better.

I could have been in your position but thankfully my partner isn't an arse.
When we bought our first house I had only graduated a year earlier. My partner paid £87k towards the deposit I contributed £20k overall split roughly 2:1. We discussed protecting assets before we view properties and set out a deed of trust. If we split up we would sell the house the mortgage would be paid off and then we would get our deposits back and anything left would be split 50:50. When we did work on the house it was 50:50 thankfully the costs for redoing this house were low. Whenever we made over payments we did it equally. If I could only afford £3k that is all my partner overpaid too.
We moved house 4 years later, we treated all the profits as 50:50 and had the deed of trust with the deposits from the original house. The split was now something like 57:43. The increase in house prices over 4 years especially with covid meant our difference narrowed quite quickly. I don't see anything in your comments about the impact of house prices fluctuations. This house needs more work so we both kept some money for renovation and we manage it according to my savings. We are also about to have our roof done and it we made sure we could afford 50:50 before agreeing to do it.

We don't pay 50:50 into the joint account where 90+% of our spending occurs from. This is proportional to our salaries as I earn slightly less and work 4 days. We both have similar savings at the end of the month

My partner never throws it back into my face that we only get the best interest rate as his deposit puts us in the best interest bracket. He doesn't hold day to day money over me.

Conversation involve two voices I think this is lacking in your relationship.
We have a joint spreadsheet of savings so we know what we jointly can afford. We don't do anything that would significantly negatively impact the other. There is always some give and take but your partner only takes. I watched my sister struggle to leave her controlling and abusive husband and when I came to enter into the ownership of a home I wanted a clear definition of where I stood.

This is not how good people behave in relationships with an imbalance of money and power. Good people put in the time and effort to find balance within the imbalance and not throw it in your face

It should not be this way! You’re not this man’s partner - you sound more like an indentured servant! I feel so bad for you and really hope you can get out of this situation.

@runningaway90 in my brothers case its the way hes’s been brought up. My parents gave him everything so he never really had to worry financially and he’s never really had to ‘share’ his money. His wife doesnt earn as much as him either so to him he doesnt feel its ‘fair’. I’ve just had to say well thats life either buy a cheaper less desirable house (he doesnt want to) married someone with more money( obvs extreme) or just deal with it and get over having to ‘share’ with your wife. Btw my parents are similar to me that he shouldn’t be thinking that way and everything that he owns now is technically half hers too.

It's sensible to protect your money where you aren't married, but that should look like getting an agreement drawn up to reflect the difference in the deposits, not turning you OP into an indentured slave and making you pay over the odds for the rest of your life.

Now you know where he gets it from - instilled in him by the parents. They must think they have to hold tight to every penny as if everyone is out to get their money. Little did you know you would be viewed like a predator against which all precautions must be taken.

As everythingthelighttouches said, DO NOT show him this thread.

Hi OP

my brother sounds like your other half but not as bad. I’ve had to tell him stop being a tight fucker and being petty 😂
Similar to your situation but they’re newly married they are about to buy their first house (not my bros first) he has 100k to put down and she has 20k. He really wasn’t happy that she would be ‘benefiting’ from the the large deposit and wanted to have something written in to the deeds that he owns 2/3 and the wife 1/3 i said i dont think thats fair and suggested just protecting their deposit. Anyway i said once you are in a long term relationship you cant really expect everything to 50/50, i personally see it as joint money to an extent and i wouldnt be so petty about everything.
I wouldn’t be able to live for the next 30yrs being ‘indebted’ to someone , the financial pressure would be overwhelming. If your OH doesn’t compromise then look to see if he can buy you out of your share and you can get something more affordable.

Absolutely DO NOT do this!!

This thread is a bunch of women supporting the OP deal with someone who is financially abusing her and who she is thinking of leaving.

It’s not some lighthearted domestic dispute about who should put the bins out!

Agreed!

send him a link of this thread! That’ll soon open his eyes!

If I were you I'd tell him the truth. You personally can't afford this house, so from your individual perspective you need to sell up and find somewhere you can. Its then up to him to decide if he wants to buy you out and go his separate way, find somewhere together you can afford, or take on a greater share of the costs himself so you continue to live there. There is no point whatsoever in considering your finances and assets as 'shared' with this man, as he couldn't be making it plainer he sees them separately. You need to do the same and live affordably for you.

Life should not be transitional in this way. Relationships even more so. What you put up in this partnership is yourself, he either wants that or he doesn't. For the first ten years of my relationship, I earned 2-3 times what my DP did. I simply paid for more, because I could. This didn't mean I expected to do less or to recoup my outlay in the future. We now earn fairly equally and as a result, we split things more equally but I will never ask for a a settlement of past dues, because that's not how healthy partnerships work. I'm loathed to say this because it's such a mumsnet cliché but don't stay with this man. You deserve warmth and love and true partnership, not this transactional nonsense you have gotten fat too used to.

Don’t end up losing your entire life to this manipulative man, he’s taken too much already. Believe me it’ll only get worse, get out now and live your best life.

Yup go sort out how much money you should be leaving with and just leave. You don’t want to be chained to this dickhead for the next 30 years.

Please leave this miserly twat op.

He will just bring you down and destroy your self esteem