Page 24 | Does this sound financially fair?

runningaway90 · 2024-02-21T09:36:18+00:00

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit. When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month. On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt). I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours. Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

SaladIsShitAndWeAllKnowIt · 27/03/2024 12:04

Keep sharing as much as you need, OP. If it’s helping, we are here for it. X

Nicole1111 · 27/03/2024 11:53

runningaway90 · 27/03/2024 11:29

Hi all, hope you don't mind me rehashing this thread over and over but it's really helping me get my mind straight and a bit of an outlet for it all. I will admit I have been struggling to take action in terms of a solicitor but I have finally booked a telephone appointment for early next week and hopefully that will help me get started with the practical and financial side of things.

Had another counselling session and she had asked me to try and have a think over the course of the relationship and examples of what's been happening. I ended up with a list of around 70 examples of times he has intimidated me, gaslight me or put me down. Only a handful of these were even related to the financial side of things which prompted me to start this thread. I think I was in denial about the rest of it and I am now realising he has been very emotionally abusive over the years. I have really been feeling beaten down and losing touch with friends and family and I think it's down to this relationship. Spoke to a family member about it all and they have agreed and glad that I am starting to see the light.

I am definitely feeling like I have more clarity with solid examples written down that can't be manipulated or somehow twisted so that I doubt what's happened. I'm also throwing myself into fitness and been going for long runs every week which are giving me a good confidence boost of achieving things I didn't think I could. Sorry this is just a little bit of a pointless vent but I am slowly untangling it all and helps to share.

It’s so positive that you’re starting to see the wood for the trees and have opened up to a family member. You’re making a lot of progress, although it might not feel like it, so be gentle with yourself about the time it’s taking. You could do the freedom programme online too though if you want to keep your momentum up.

Original poster

runningaway90 · 27/03/2024 11:29

Hi all, hope you don't mind me rehashing this thread over and over but it's really helping me get my mind straight and a bit of an outlet for it all. I will admit I have been struggling to take action in terms of a solicitor but I have finally booked a telephone appointment for early next week and hopefully that will help me get started with the practical and financial side of things.

Had another counselling session and she had asked me to try and have a think over the course of the relationship and examples of what's been happening. I ended up with a list of around 70 examples of times he has intimidated me, gaslight me or put me down. Only a handful of these were even related to the financial side of things which prompted me to start this thread. I think I was in denial about the rest of it and I am now realising he has been very emotionally abusive over the years. I have really been feeling beaten down and losing touch with friends and family and I think it's down to this relationship. Spoke to a family member about it all and they have agreed and glad that I am starting to see the light.

I am definitely feeling like I have more clarity with solid examples written down that can't be manipulated or somehow twisted so that I doubt what's happened. I'm also throwing myself into fitness and been going for long runs every week which are giving me a good confidence boost of achieving things I didn't think I could. Sorry this is just a little bit of a pointless vent but I am slowly untangling it all and helps to share.

OP posts:

CantDealwithChristmas · 19/03/2024 12:19

Pallisers · 22/02/2024 16:33

OP & her partner are still currently, legally, 2 single people. Meaning if either of them were to seek financial advice they would he told to protect their own investments and that’s what he is trying to do, it’s just being gone about in the wrong way.

and the petrol money, refusing to pay for tv subscriptions, making her pay for HIS estate agent fees and all the other stuff?? How do you explain that? Going about being a nice guy the wrong way?

OP, I'm going to give you the advice my mother gave me and I give my children - don't end up with a mean man and don't end up with a jealous man. You have a mean man and meanness (like jealousy) isn't one of those faults that is contained in one area of life - it permeates everything - as you can see because you are living it. every lift home from work, every dinner out, every bloody tv subscription there it is - his meanness in action. I'm a lot older than you and I can tell you that if you stay with this man and especially if you have children with him you will regret it all your life.

Also this is an odd bit of advice but read Last Chance Saloon by Marian Keyes. You will see a very accurate depiction of your relationship in it (and it's not a bad book either)

AHHH! - Thomas the geography teacher! Yes!! That was a beautifully drawn rekationship of how chronic meannes shades into abuse and consistent disrespect.

CantDealwithChristmas · 19/03/2024 12:15

You're paying to make a rich man richer.

To add insult to injury he has a go at your about having a night out and you feel too intimated by him to tell him the financial arrangement isn't working.

Why not just arrange to have your salary paid straight into his bank account?

You're worth more than this OP. Leave.

KTheGrey · 19/03/2024 11:16

I was very glad to read your update, and fwiw I agree with your counsellor.

Now you need to be resolute. You want to leave so you can have a shot at being happy. That's perfectly fair. Now focus on what you need to do to facilitate that.

It is great that you are out at work a lot, becuase you can contact a domestic abuse charity or women's aid and a solicitor during working hours and also keep anything private there. You know, like your estate agent brochures.

ZebraD · 19/03/2024 06:57

Good…I am glad you are on the right tracks…keep going with that momentum. Get the solicitor booked and update us. Lots of support here for you and lots of ideas how to help. You really will be so happy with yourself once you have sorted this situation.

Nicole1111 · 18/03/2024 21:25

If you search domestic abuse charity and the county you live in you should be able to get local one to one support with navigating the breakup.

Original poster

runningaway90 · 18/03/2024 18:40

Thanks both. And yes I'm absolutely not discussing it with him as any change is always temporary anyway, he has had enough chances and I'm sick of being told he loves me but doesn't act that way. I need to put myself first. I've luckily got quite a few hobbies already that I've been throwing myself into and going to continue with those too which will hopefully help. And agree with a solicitor as I know he will try to manipulate the situation. I do feel quite positive when I think about taking control of it all and just need to get through the worst of it.

OP posts:

ZebraD · 18/03/2024 18:22

Start making a life for yourself away from your partner. If you have other things to start to focus on it will hopefully cushion the blow so to speak and give you the confidence to go. I think you may actually feel empowered when you make the move. I wouldn’t discuss it with your DP as there is no point, he won’t change. So just get your house in order as best you can. Make sure you see a solicitor to find out your financial rights and stop over paying and over compensating for what he thinks he has done extra. He isn’t a god, he isn’t special, he isn’t anything but an arsehole who has taken advantage of you for long enough. You’ve got this shizzle girl.

Nicole1111 · 18/03/2024 17:02

You absolutely are strong enough. If you’re strong enough to have navigated this relationship, you’re strong enough to navigate leaving it.

Original poster

runningaway90 · 18/03/2024 16:36

Hi all, I had an appointment with my counsellor today who I haven't seen for a while and updated her on some of the things he'd said to me and the financial issues. I have had other issues going on which I thought was the main thing I wanted to discuss but it ended up with her telling me these things were very concerning and she thinks he is being controlling and how can we get you out of this situation and not want to go back etc. She has never told me he is controlling before so it is quite significant when coming from a counsellor too who deals with thing kind of stuff often. So I've got a lot to think about and need to make sure I know where I stand. I am concerned about not being strong enough to go through with it as in the past I've wanted to leave and never been able to go through with it but hopefully I can get through it.

OP posts:

skyeisthelimit · 17/03/2024 12:36

You know that your current arrangement isn't fair, and it needs to change. The ownership of the house can be changed, to reflect what each of you have put in and then make it 50/50 for the rest, so you own it 70/30 in his favour (for example) or whatever the ratio comes out at. I don't think it would be wrong for him to do that, I would want to protect my money if I bought a house with somebody now after being divorced and knowing what can happen. The waters are muddied though by the fact that you paid half the mortgage for a while on the old house which was solely in his name.

As it stands right now, then you would be better off if you own half of it and can walk away now. He has screwed himself over by putting it in 50/50 before you have "earned" it.

If you really want to try and work it all, and want all bills to be 50/50 then change the ownership ratio and sit down and look at all the finances, with a spreadsheet, and both of your bank statements, payslips etc, and go through everything.

Finances are separate to housework so that needs to be equal if you are both working full time. You need to discuss completely what happens if you have children.

If he won't do any thing, if he won't sit down and discuss it, then you know it is over. You know what you will be stuck with if you stay with him. It will never get better if he is not prepared to discuss it and alter things.

BUT - that is only if you really feel that there is something worth saving. Him asking you for petrol money and half a meal voucher etc, does make him look like a man that most women would not want to be with - and the comments on here back that up.

I can totally understand him wanting to protect a large deposit, but he has done it the wrong way and it could backfire massively on him now.

northernbeee · 13/03/2024 12:43

runningaway90 · 21/02/2024 19:11

Can actually remember an occasion quite early on where he had a voucher for a meal from his birthday and he made me give him my share of the money so I didn't benefit from his present 😂perhaps I should have ran for the hills at that point.

That should have been a massive red flag!!

Original poster

runningaway90 · 12/03/2024 10:22

@grinandslothit I do yes and have discussed with some of them. They all think the house situation is a bit messy and none of them have said he is financially abusive but do think he is a bit controlling from things he has said or done in the past.

OP posts:

grinandslothit · 12/03/2024 07:33

Yes, he is greedy, mean, and abusive.

Do you have any supportive friends or family to talk to?

He's not interested in being fair but interested in taking advantage

I don't know if you read this book or not, but I imagine you will find him in these pages.

Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft
archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

rookiemere · 12/03/2024 07:11

@runningaway90 you take as long as you need and use this thread to keep us updated if you like.

On mumsnet there is an inclination to want things wrapped up in the space of a couple of days for resolution and also because the solution seems obvious to us. But we aren't the one in the middle of things.

Original poster

runningaway90 · 12/03/2024 06:44

Thanks both I appreciate this. I know deep down I have to end things and would be happier alone feeling free. I think I am just coming to terms with making that decision and the practicalities of that for example likely having to leave my dog behind etc. But I don't think any of the practicalities are worth staying of course it's just taking me some time to take action.

OP posts:

KTheGrey · 10/03/2024 21:39

It's really difficult to end a relationship. But it is worse to stay in one that is eating you alive.

Even if the alternative is singleness, it's better than this devaluing of everything you bring to the relationship, which is really about devaluing you.

And the alternative might be a better relationship.

Bs0u416d · 10/03/2024 21:00

runningaway90 · 10/03/2024 20:28

@Bs0u416d I'm not sure as the more I think about it all I can see the inequality in our relationship and not being treated as a partner. It's more than finances - it's all the other life choices too as I feel I almost get convinced into doing what he wants and thinking it's been my choice... Like this house. The only reason we ended up in this house was as there were so many worse ones we went to see that I had to strongly justify why I didn't want to love there with just not liking somewhere never being enough so this one seemed good in comparison.

I get on with his family but his parents will always want to protect his finances and I am sure he has explained the arrangement and they don't disagree with it. I am close to his mum but ultimately she has the he can do no wrong attitude when it comes down to it.

Then I'm really sorry but you need to think about starting again. Life is both too short and too long to carry on as you are. I don't say that lightly and I'm certainly the last to suggest such things on a faceless forum. I suspect we are similar ages and we we couldn't be in more different relationships and I only wish you knew how uplifting a true partnership can be. If it makes a difference, I'm a man, not a woman but if you were my sister or my friend, I know what id' want you to do. I think you already know this and I think you already know that you would be happier on your own, for now. You will meet someone that understands what a real relationship is and that equality means proportionality, not tit for tat. I promise you will look back at this and wonder how on earth you put up with it for as long as you hage.This won't be easy but I wish you all the strength in the world, to pick yourself up and take yourself to a better place.

Original poster

runningaway90 · 10/03/2024 20:30

@PapaIndigoTangoAlpha yup and even with that I still am somehow indebted with doing more housework to almost show appreciation for him for having that deposit even though I'm paying my share back. 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:

Original poster

runningaway90 · 10/03/2024 20:28

@Bs0u416d I'm not sure as the more I think about it all I can see the inequality in our relationship and not being treated as a partner. It's more than finances - it's all the other life choices too as I feel I almost get convinced into doing what he wants and thinking it's been my choice... Like this house. The only reason we ended up in this house was as there were so many worse ones we went to see that I had to strongly justify why I didn't want to love there with just not liking somewhere never being enough so this one seemed good in comparison.

I get on with his family but his parents will always want to protect his finances and I am sure he has explained the arrangement and they don't disagree with it. I am close to his mum but ultimately she has the he can do no wrong attitude when it comes down to it.

OP posts:

OhcantthInkofaname · 10/03/2024 20:02

runningaway90 · 21/02/2024 09:56

@Octavia64 thanks really helpful suggestions of how to approach. @Mumof2teens79 not married, planning to in the future. We have completely separate finances so it's always trying to make sure things are even. Thanks for this as puts in perspective. I'd like to be able to split things more fairly or put it in to one pot but I'm not sure I trust it as there has been a few times when we have worked out my share of things it's been over estimated. Just don't think we are working as a team financially but not sure how to get us on the same page without him thinking I'm trying to benefit from his investment.

But he is proportionally gaining more from your current arrangement.

PapaIndigoTangoAlpha · 10/03/2024 19:27

It's weird imo. All this having to pay him back or forking out more of the mortgage because he put more deposit down. It's hardly a partnership is it.

I put down the whole deposit on our house with an inheritance I received. I don't expect my husband to pay more of the mortgage to "pay me back".

Bs0u416d · 10/03/2024 19:16

runningaway90 · 10/03/2024 19:08

@madeinthe80z there's not just trying to pluck up the courage to be honest.

It's so complicated because you obviously love him and it's never as straightforward was people on a forum telling you to leave him because he must have redeeming qualities. Is this something you could work though and improve on do you think? I'm wondering also what his parents are like? If this is generationally embedded then he's unlikely to change, if not then maybe things can, perhaps you could have a work with his mum?? Otherwise, walk away and you will AMAZED what a normal, supportive relationship feels like.