Does this sound financially fair?

Sorry, I didn't notice the date or see your latest updates. Hope you're ok 💐

Things like that, and this
He even charges me petrol money if he has to drive like 1 hour to pick me up and if I do the same back I'm told I'm stingy or that he does more of the driving
Nobody charges their partner petrol money.
Sorry, he's horribly stingy and I'm afraid he's screwing you over about this house. This is no way to live. You don't control how you spend your own earnings, he makes you feel guilty about spending anything, he considers you have a financial debt to him for your joint home. A house you don't even like.

It sounds like a joyless relationship in which he focuses on making sure you pay for as much as possible. Plus he's making all the decisions about money and the house. I hope you're rethinking your plans to marry this miserable Scrooge. Personally I'd get legal advice, leave him and start living.

I haven't RTFT but have you posted about this before? There was another thread about a house in a remote location that the OP didn't really want to live in and that was eating up her money.

Nice to hear from you and hoping you are not getting down on yourself and apologising for existing. I don't always have advice to offer or know what to say. I haven't been in that sort of situation but like everyone else, have known dilemmas and difficulties and having no clear way through. No pressure from me on what you do but am thinking of you and hope you stay close to family and friends whatever else happens. And as always people are here for you.

Hi OP. Just wanted to add mine to all the voices of support on this thread. You are doing amazingly well, and please don't feel bad that you haven't made the move yet. Just think about the progress you have made since starting your thread, when you were just starting to question your financial situation. In just a couple of months you have taken huge practical steps forward - you have seen your counsellor and a solicitor, you have started to open up to friends and go out more. You have started to see the bigger picture, noticing all the other ways you have been manipulated and controlled and treated unfairly by a man who is supposed to love you, care for you and want the best for you. Just by posting on here you are finding your voice which is amazing in itself. You are in the driving seat, so take whatever time you need to make the decisions you need to. Lots of mumsnetters on here will have been through this and will have really good practical advice. Listen to that if it helps but also learn to start trusting your own instincts. My bit of advice is this - as you will likely have a fight on your hands over the finances, you now need to become your own financial expert. He has spent years bamboozling you with the figures, so you need to take back control and arm yourself with all the information that proves how much you have put in. You have already started this with your spreadsheet but you need to go bigger. If you can't access all of your banking history online, then go to your bank and tell them that you feel you have been the victim of financial control and you need all of your past bank statements. They may have staff who specialise in helping customers in this situation. Request as many years of bank statements as they hold, and make sure you arrange to collect these, not have them sent to the house. And start to go through them with a fine tooth comb making a note of every little thing. You also need to look at your mortgage history and get all of the figures. Make sure you understand what proportion of interest and capital your contributions have been paying towards. Online calculators might help with this, if it isn't clear then seek advice. Knowledge is power and I think this whole exercise will give you more confidence when facing negotiations with your ex. Plus it will also help remind you of how imbalanced things have been for the whole of your relationship, which will be useful when you are having a wobble about making the break. Sending you loads of luck and support.

I think that’s the perception but actually most who have any real experience know that as long as you are physically safe or not in some other danger that it takes time to emotionally prepare but also to do the work in the background with financial stuff etc.

i will caveat that with it is a balance because the emotional choice to leave gives you a boost of energy but staying in the situation after that decision sucks you’re energy because you’re still dealing with all the crap and the impetus to actually go through with it can start to fade.
you have to remember that when it starts to feel actually it would be easier not to rock the boat, maybe things aren’t as bad as I thought.

i think the fact you have a therapist you have a good working relationship with is helpful, maybe try to actively explore the logistics of you leaving and work through your emotional feelings around leaving to find out why your not ready in that safe space. Getting it out and verbalising some of it might help to sort some of the tangle for you. You might feel clearer about the next steps.

dont be hard on yourself you’re doing great.

I think something will just happen at some point that triggers you to call it a day. And when it happens you will just be fine as you have done all of this preparation and without realising you will be healing a little too. You will get there if even you can’t see the way out just yet. Have faith. Make some exciting plans for yourself - new adventures, just things to really enjoy and lift your spirits. You’ll get there.

Yes OP, it is a process and it’s underway.
Keep going at it little by little and the day will come when you feel comfortable to end it.

And keep listing here for support as you’re doing !

Being patient with yourself is a game changer. Breaking up a relationship is like recovering from a long illness, or an addiction. It's a long process. The best advice I ever got was "talk to yourself the way you would talk to somebody else" - so with respect and consideration and patience. Kindly.

maybe a little visit to your GP re feeling ' woe is me ' ?

And I’m sure your friends don’t see you as a burden and want to support you through this and listen to all your woes. Have you confided to your friends about the situation you find yourself in?

There’s no rush @runningaway90 so don’t beat yourself up about that. I don’t think he has ever been physically abusive right? So you aren’t in any danger staying for a while until you are ready to rip the bandaid off. I hope that now you have made the decision to leave it will make the emotional and financial abuse a bit less painful ….. because you know sometime soon it is going to end. Yes it will be a difficult period when you tell him you are leaving, sorting out the house etc, so it’s totally understandable that you have to make that leap when you are ready. But your future on the other side is going to be so much brighter……. whenever you feel the time is right. It’s been amazing following your thread to see how far you have come already and how much stronger you sound in your most recent posts 💪🏼

Thinking of you @runningaway90

So nice to hear that you have some fire in your belly now, starting to understand that you deserve so much better…. Because you do! My husband is just the loveliest of men, we have been together 20 years and I still don’t understand how I deserve him! I had a shitty childhood and then some terrible relationships in my teens and early twenties. Even twenty years later I expect the worst and don’t understand why he wants to be with me…….. but every day he treats me like a princess and proves my doubts wrong. I have mostly been a SAHM for the last 10 years but I’m now working part-time. My husband pays 100% of the mortgage and bills and lets me use my earnings as “fun money” for the family. He never makes me feel anything less than an equal. I hope you don’t think I’m bragging, because that is not at all my point. I’m hoping to show you that wonderful men exist and what I have is 100% what you deserve too. Don’t settle for less. X

Also remember that what he says will happen and what he says he's going to do, isn't necessarily what WILL happen just because he's said it.

A lot of what he says will just be what he's saying to try and scare you into not making a fuss/ not standing up for your rights.

You have rights!

❤️

@runningaway90 I’m so impressed by the progress you’ve made over the course of this thread and with your counsellor. I just wanted to add to the other posts saying you absolutely deserve love and respect and care in your relationship. And I totally understand that change is hard but the brilliant thing is that there is a way out of this. It might not be fun but the freedom and joy and happiness that lies ahead will be so worth it! Think of your future self, 12 months, 2 years ahead and know that she is cheering you on!

100%. I think so many of us grow up seeing bad examples of relationships, we feel there is nothing better out there. My mum never had a good male role model in her life and I don't think she realised she was worth more until it was too late.

I'm very excited for you and your future. You're young with so much time ahead of you. The next few weeks and months will be the toughest of course, but you'll get through it and then there will be so many possibilities.

You're doing amazingly. Might have mentioned it before- my dad was financially and emotionally abusive to my mum but she stayed for more than 30 years! She could have had so much more. Now she's a pensioner and struggling financially and mentally, with no life partner or companionship. It makes me so sad.

I honestly thought I'd die alone after seeing their relationship. But I met DH and he completely opened my eyes to the fact that there are incredible men in this world who are true partners. Men who don't count pennies or ever have their hand your pocket. They do their share of housework, support you emotionally, and make you feel loved and cherished.

I'm so hopeful for you OP. There is a great guy out there and I'm sure you'll find him. Getting rid of this abusive arsehole is the first step.