Does this sound financially fair?

If you were out of the house I think that you would be able to think more clearly about the whole situation. Can you get somebody to help you finding and moving into a new place, even if it's temporary, so you can focus on sorting your head out without him in your ear all the time?

Yes this. Just take the dog. Even if he or she has to stay are your parents or a friend.

I agree with others it’s rip the bandaid off time. Ask yourself this question: If not now, the when?

It sounds like it fees daunting. Like there is a lot to sort out and a lot you don’t know about what life will be like for you once you leave.

What if you don’t try to answer the long term stuff just now, and just focus on what you need to do to leave.

What’s the absolute minimum you need to do to leave. Not the minimum to have untangled all the finances. But just the minimum to move out of the house for, say, a week?

If your when is, “when I am feeing stronger”. Then ask: Do you believe you will get up the courage to leave and have that conversation while still living in that house? If not then there is no real “when” there that is better than now

If there are more practical things: when I have somewhere to stay, when I have someone to look after the dog, then you can make a plan for those things

I think you need to find somewhere temporary to live - you and the dog - so you can get out and get away from
how he talks you down, gaslights you and damages your self-esteem. It is going to be hard to go through with things while he can still do that everyday

You’ve said you could go to your parents but couldn’t take the dog. It sounds like not wanting to abandon the dog is part of what’s stopping you.

I wonder who could take the dog? Do you have any friends or family who would look after her for you for a few weeks? Is there a local dog sitter or kennels? Just anything to get you both out of that house

Good luck OP. We are all rooting for you

What type of dog do you have ? toy/small/medium etc. if you don't want to identify yourself by saying it's breed.

Very good idea to just move out. Just find somewhere nice and go there when he's out at work. Take the dog with you. But finding somewhere nice to live would be a great way to start.

So long as you stay living with him you will get doubts about yourself. It’s the result of him gaslighting you and it is his intention.
He is purposely trying to confuse you on finances so you end up paying more and he gets to line his pockets.

I think you just need to get out. You say the dog is one of the reason you’re staying.

Can you take the dog with you ( no negotiating with him, just go with the dog when he’s out) ?

Maybe even get someone to look after the dog for you til you get yourself sorted ?

Guaranteed that if you move out you’ll be able to think more clearly and you’ll see the wood from the trees !

You will get there OP. Just keep reminding yourself of your value and the fact he clearly doesn’t see it.

Objectively if you are already covering the finances being “equal” by paying 2/3 of the mortgage then the household chores etc are totally separate. In that case you are doing close to 100%. If he had needed to pay someone to do his half at £15-18 an hour (typical cleaner rates) how much would he owe you by now for covering that?

Yeah that’s bollocks.

He paid £15k towards the house. If you give him 5k then net he has spent £10k on the house and you have spent £5k. You would then pay another £5k and that would be equal.

My personal thought is what kind of person inherits money but wants to ring fence it and not share it with their life partner. I’d get writing something up to say he put in a bigger deposit by x so gets that money back before you split the house proceeds if you were to break up but otherwise it just seems really mean.

Don't wait op as you never will get the chance or timing right to go and then you'll end up trapped forever. My advice would be to be willing to lose out a bit on it for long term gain of freedom. His behaviour will get worse as time goes on and he will get more controlling. You could start off conversation where you tell him it's making you feel resentful enough to split to get courage to continue that path

OP having seen other people in similar situations, I can tell you if you "wait to get there", you will never get there. your brain won't magically give you the strength to walk away. you need to proactively do things to create the right space for you to rip the bandaid off.
you have already spoken with the Solicitor. get talking to them again and ensure the finances are crystal clear.
in the meantime, get yourself away from him and out of that house. maybe go on a trip or stay with friends/family? tell him it's a work trip.also start going to some hobbies etc. to reinforce your social network outside the home. this will help with self confidence.
confide in a friend who can support you in making that jump.
keep talking to your therapist.

I am not trying to make you feel bad. I had to give this exact same advice to a dear friend of mine who is thankfully a lot happier now. if you wait for yourself to be ready/the right moment, you will end up being there for either your whole life with kids added to this toxic stew or until he has exploited you to the max and then kicks you out for a younger/more exploitable version.

This sounds like a right mess. I would consult a solicitor and try and work out what the financial position actually is and how you can both, fairly protect your own financial interests. No more oh just pay this, or give me this. Having said that I would probably leave him whilst I had the chance. I spent years with a bloke who never bought his own children shoes because "oh, I put petrol in the car seven years ago" nonsense. He was brilliant at financials when they worked for him.

What do you dream of, OP? Is it to feel good about yourself, have a happy relationship, affordable house, maybe a dog, maybe children? What do you want? Make a list and then start trying to get the things you want. Life is wretchedly brief to spend it wretched.

If you are feeling worse then perhaps there is an element of the longer you leave it the worse you feel? So maybe pulling the plug might offer you the relief you are looking for.
you could perhaps approach the subject of separating but living together until you have organised and agreed finances. Perhaps that might get the ball rolling without it being quite so traumatic so to speak. Maybe you will both feel relief?

In answer to your questions -
Are you making things seem a lot worse than they are? No, it is him.
Are you the problem? No - again him.
Maybe if you fixed yourself things would be good? No - you don't need to be fixed. You know in your gut that the way he treats you isn't right, it isn't fair, it is very controlling and it doesn't make you happy.
You can only go at your own pace, but if you are having doubts maybe do a pros and cons list. What are the positives in carrying on like this, effectively in limbo, versus all the negatives. It might help you to think about what you are holding on to or scared of letting go. Also read back some of the replies from when you first posted. In the meantime, try not to engage with him over the details, look after yourself, live your life and continue doing the things that make you happy. And do not beat yourself up, it has taken years to get to this point, only you can decide if and when you have had enough.

@runningaway90 can I be honest with you OP? the longer you leave it, the harder it will be. you just need to pull the plug. I kind of feel you have already left it longer than you should.

I appreciate its hard, I really do. but this man is slowly eroding your self confidence and self worth. the financial entanglements will only get more convoluted... you just need to brace yourself and take that step

no judgement at all by the way. I understand it is not easy

Doubt in these situations is normal. As is wanting to hang on the status quo. Ultimately it's a complicated decision and only one that you can make as you are living your reality and you know if there are some pluses that make up for the minuses. That said, why on earth do you need fixing? You feel the way you do because of how he is and has treated you over many years. The guild you feel is a byproduct of that gaslighting, I'm quite sure. I will reiterate that your relationship, certainly in terms of control and money, is very atypical. Don't feel bad that you dont have any big news to spill but certainly don't start thinking that you're the problem.

Was thinking of you @runningaway90 and hope you’re doing ok

I had a colleague who did Japan by herself in her 50's
and my daughter has a friend who plans to go next year as a belated honeymoon .

I'm so glad that you are progressing well. solo travel is the best, you will have a great time and it will help you heal.

there are great solo travel for women groups on fb that you can join. start getting some inspiration. hopefully it will motivate you to leave even more!

So much to unpick here

If you separate and you take your respective deposits back you shouldn't be paying more than 50% of the current mortgage.

You've bought a house you can't afford to renovate

It's all very well him saying you need to contribute towards the repairs when he can easily afford himself

I think you need to sit down and discuss with him, sounds like you need out and to move to a house you can afford. Life is bad enough without any spare cash and a partner who bagers you to spend money you don't have

You'll do it when you're good and ready, you will know when. I remember my "that's it" moment!! Good luck.

' I can't wait to go on a few holidays and spend some money on myself!! '

that's it ! that's the way to think - to look forward, and make plans and enjoy making these plans.

where first ?