Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does this sound financially fair?

883 replies

runningaway90 · 21/02/2024 09:36

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 20/12/2025 18:27

Did you ever receive your equity from the house ? or did you have to give up.

Original poster
runningaway90 · 20/12/2025 18:08

HarrietStyles · 20/12/2025 13:05

Great to hear an update from you @runningaway90 Don’t beat yourself up for going back for 6 months - you learnt from it and made absolutely certain that you gave him every chance to change.

But he fundamentally couldn’t change - he is a mean and selfish person, who couldn’t change, even when given chance after chance. Going back and giving him one last chance enabled you to know with absolute conviction that leaving him was the correct decision. There is no doubt that you are better without him. If you had not gone back to him, you might still be thinking “what if”. So don’t have any regrets about that 6 months.

I wish you and your new doggy the happiest of Christmas and I wish for nothing but positivity for you in 2026 🥰

That has summed up exactly how I feel about it all! Thank you. Hope you have a lovely Christmas and wishing you all the best too! ❤

OP posts:
HarrietStyles · 20/12/2025 13:05

Great to hear an update from you @runningaway90 Don’t beat yourself up for going back for 6 months - you learnt from it and made absolutely certain that you gave him every chance to change.

But he fundamentally couldn’t change - he is a mean and selfish person, who couldn’t change, even when given chance after chance. Going back and giving him one last chance enabled you to know with absolute conviction that leaving him was the correct decision. There is no doubt that you are better without him. If you had not gone back to him, you might still be thinking “what if”. So don’t have any regrets about that 6 months.

I wish you and your new doggy the happiest of Christmas and I wish for nothing but positivity for you in 2026 🥰

Theslummymummy · 19/12/2025 23:36

No its not at all fair, he's financially controlling, which is abuse.

Its not even like he's earning his share so expects the same kind of work ethic from you. He's just inherited it and now thinks he can whip you into working harder to pay for the lifestyle he craves/demands.

Leave the fucker.

biggestcatmom · 19/12/2025 23:06

.

KTheGrey · 19/12/2025 22:55

Great to hear your update - it is so hard to leave a relationship always, but you did it. And you have a puppy! Sounds like it’s all coming round for you and I am so happy to hear it.

Have a great Christmas and Very Happy New Year 🥳

Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 19/12/2025 22:44

Hey OP! Thanks for coming back and explaining what made you go back, it really is surprising what we'll accept in the hope of saving a relationship at times.

I'm glad that it's truly over now. Look after yourself, and in future BEWARE controlling men, dogs are much nicer, and don't have trouble showing how much they love and appreciate us!! 😂

Calendulaaria · 19/12/2025 22:37

I could be wrong, but he sounds a bit of a bully? You seem worried to try to have a reasonable conversation with him about this.

Original poster
runningaway90 · 19/12/2025 22:33

Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 19/12/2025 22:17

Well I must confess to being shocked that you went back OP. I know this happens in a lot of cases, but I really had the impression that you wouldn't be one of them.

Can I ask what made you go back? Obviously you don't have to answer, but I would like to understand.

I'm glad to hear that you have learned from your mistake, and so I would like to take this opportunity to wish you a Merry Christmas, and a much happier future without your ex trying to rinse you for every penny.

That's fair. There was a lot of intimidation with finances and guilt tripping with the dog but also equal measure of "love bombing" when not discussing that.
He convinced me everything would change and that the finances would be split more fairly and they were for a while but the controlling behaviour crept in again... I guess I was just weak but I know for sure that there is no going back this time.
Hope you have a great Christmas and appreciate the support x

OP posts:
Moosegooseontheloose · 19/12/2025 22:24

Good to hear your update and that you’ve left him for good.
Hope you have a lovely Xmas and enjoy your life with your lovely pup x

Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 19/12/2025 22:17

Well I must confess to being shocked that you went back OP. I know this happens in a lot of cases, but I really had the impression that you wouldn't be one of them.

Can I ask what made you go back? Obviously you don't have to answer, but I would like to understand.

I'm glad to hear that you have learned from your mistake, and so I would like to take this opportunity to wish you a Merry Christmas, and a much happier future without your ex trying to rinse you for every penny.

Catza · 19/12/2025 21:15

Wonderful to hear your update. And don't worry, we've all been there. I also took my ex back six months ago just for him to cheat on me within four weeks. But happily living alone with my new ginger cat and enjoying dating again.

RandomMess · 19/12/2025 20:10

I can’t even post photos or links on the app 🤷🏽‍♀️

Original poster
runningaway90 · 19/12/2025 20:07

RandomMess · 19/12/2025 20:02

You are free now! Puppy tax required.

Haha you deserve it for the advice, let me find a way to send to you as it's probably too outing to post here with the endless other info I've spilled here

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/12/2025 20:02

You are free now! Puppy tax required.

Original poster
runningaway90 · 19/12/2025 19:57

A very belated updated here if anyone is still interested.

I have been quiet as I stupidly gave him another chance and I moved back for 6 months. Things, of course, got worse and I obviously regret having gone back. I have moved out again and managed to fully break free of him this time, we are no contact and I have a new puppy who is giving me a lot of happiness and helping through the difficult times. The finances still need sorted but it's now the least of my worries after everything.

Wish I could say I had been stronger but I have realised it takes a long time to get out of a toxic relationship like that and I don't think I'd ever be here had I not left the first time so it all helped me get here.

Hope you all have a lovely festive period and thanks so much for all the support you have shown me.

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 05/07/2025 23:25

@runningaway90

Have you found a new doggie companion yet ?

and has the house situation been resolved.

ZebraD · 28/02/2025 15:38

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 26/02/2025 00:04

He hasn't tho - has he !

What does that even mean?!

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 26/02/2025 00:04

He hasn't tho - has he !

ThePuppyHasZoomiesAgain · 25/02/2025 23:46

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 22/02/2025 20:26

my goodness, how long can he drag this out for ?!!!

this thread became one year old yesterday.

So what?

Look how far the OP has come. She's done brilliantly.

northernbeee · 25/02/2025 23:09

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 22/02/2025 20:26

my goodness, how long can he drag this out for ?!!!

this thread became one year old yesterday.

You've obviously never been through this otherwise you wouldn't make such an unhelpful comment.

KTheGrey · 23/02/2025 18:19

Hurray for you - carry on concentrating on yourself. Congratulations on going on holiday solo - I would try and fit a couple more in before a new dog, cos you won’t want to go after!

And you are right - getting out of that exploitative relationship is a win in itself. Just keeping away from damaging relationships is winning. You are doing everything right.

Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 23/02/2025 11:50

Sorry to hear that you're struggling a bit OP, but as others have said, these things do take time to settle into, and at least now you're doing what YOU want to do, and not having your money spent by him on things that benefit him. Once the money and the house are finally sorted out, and you can finally cut ALL ties, things will start to improve.

I for one am really proud of you for coming this far, and above all, not allowing yourself to be talked into going back, simply because it might seem easier. Stay strong, and you WILL be happy again. I also think that once you get a new dog to welcome you home each day, that that will make a world of difference, obviously you'll miss the dog that you had, but a new furry friend will soon worm it's way into your heart, and will be the companion that you miss. Take care of yourself.

ZebraD · 23/02/2025 06:57

You have got to where you are for a reason, you’ve done great. As soon as finances are sorted you’ll be able to end that chapter and fully move on. Well done on the holiday, be proud x

GrettaGreen · 22/02/2025 22:08

Oh amazing! Don't worry about it all not feeling magic right away. It's like when you've had to give in and replace the shoes you've had for years and that moulded to your feet but had holes in the soles.
The new shoes look better and sound like the sensible thing to do but actually they're a bit uncomfortable to start with.
You'll wear them in. Your new life will soon feel like the most natural thing in the world and you'll think why did it take so long.
I hope you find a new doggy pal soon Smile