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Original poster

Does this sound financially fair?

883 replies

runningaway90 · 21/02/2024 09:36

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

OP posts:
Original poster
runningaway90 · 16/05/2024 23:28

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon it's complicated and I don't want to out myself too much - I've sent a PM with the details, sorry bit of an essay!

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 16/05/2024 23:16

quick question or 2

who bought the dog ? does anyone have paperwork to prove who ' owns ' the dog, or maybe adopted her/him from a rescue ?
is she / he micro chipped - and in whose name ?
is she / he insured - who pays the insurance ?

Ginkypig · 16/05/2024 21:44

Your very welcome @runningaway90

it would be weird if you were completely calm throughout this! To me that would be saying you weren’t feeling the seriousness of the process you having to go through.

thats great hopefully between both you’ll get an idea of what you need to put in place or some helpful information.

Original poster
runningaway90 · 16/05/2024 21:26

Thanks both, I'll speak to womens aid tomorrow and see my options. I spoke to a friend who suggested I speak to a contact of hers too so I'll figure it out. Appreciate your replies here, I'm sure you can probably tell i just had a bit of a meltdown and things felt too much but I have calmed down a little now. Thanks again for all of the consistent support, so appreciated

OP posts:
KTheGrey · 16/05/2024 21:11

Hmm. I would arrange for the dog to go to kennels or a foster carer while he is out and then claim she had run away.

Good that you are getting closer to leaving though. I second the idea of women's aid and looking into getting the dog fostered.

You are going to be OK you know. Easter Smile

Ginkypig · 16/05/2024 19:56

Hi, I’m really glad you’re coming back to this thread, iv been thinking about you.
I’m sorry to hear your having to deal with this on top of everything else.

Have you got a friend or family you can leave dog with until your set up in your new place? Or There is such a thing as fosterers I know it exists for women leaving abuse situations which while I understand your not in physical danger I think you are in an abusive relationship so you may fit the criteria.

my advice would be when you leave just take the dog with you. It belongs to you both so why is it assumed that if you leave dog stays! Personally I think it will be much harder to get dog back if you leave without it than it will be to keep it once you have left with it.

have you thought about calling women’s aid just to talk through your situation including the dog and get some advice. You may not need anything from them but it might at least be helpful to have an expert go through your situation with you or tell you options you may not know about.
Potentially there are things they can help you with or refer you to. I know you probably won’t need a shelter etc but there are other things they can offer.

obviously I’m not an expert but hopefully something iv said helpful o someone else will be along who is!

Original poster
runningaway90 · 16/05/2024 19:36

Ugh it's been a day of it. He's been terrible to the dog, treats her walks like she is in a military camp and punishes her (extreme imo) if she misbehaves. I really have got to find a way to take her with me as I'll never forgive myself for leaving her to put up him. I just think she'd have a much better life with me but I can't figure a way out that means I can take her. Sorry just venting 😟getting closer to going everyday this is really my main sticking point.

OP posts:
Moosegooseontheloose · 12/05/2024 09:31

Congratulations on your promotion OP.

Of course you’re going on holiday !🤣

Apparentlystillchilled · 12/05/2024 08:56

I’m belatedly catching but just wanted to say huge congratulations on your promotion and on sticking with therapy and your decision to make a change.

Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 10/05/2024 10:24

Bless you OP, I'm sorry that he said what he did rather than congratulating you and offering to take you out to celebrate. However, as we all know, he just doesn't have what it takes to be a good and loving partner to you, and is only concerned with him and what he considers to be HIS money. I'm therefore really pleased that this appears to have been the final nail in the coffin as far as you're concerned, and look forward to hearing eventually that you haven't been back on MN for a little while due to being so busy moving out. Wishing you courage and the very best of luck in the new job.

Original poster
runningaway90 · 10/05/2024 10:00

Thanks all! I feel like I have a group of cheerleaders here, can't let you all down now 😂

OP posts:
HarrietStyles · 10/05/2024 09:52

@runningaway90 I’ve never felt prouder of a stranger on the internet. Go you 💪🏼

Tell him to shove the roof up his arse! He’ll never get roof money from you because there will be no new roof. Tell him to fuck off, house is going on the market and you are going to skip off into the sunset with your promotion. Him not congratulating you on the new job and only thinking about how the extra money could benefit him…….. I hope could be the final mail in the coffin for you. He has shown again that he does not love and care for you like a partner should.

Catza · 10/05/2024 09:17

I am rooting for you!
I too hope you told him the money is going towards a holiday 😂

ZebraD · 10/05/2024 07:02

Awww yay!! Congratulations!!
I hope you told him it would be spent on holidays!!! Ha ha !!

Original poster
runningaway90 · 10/05/2024 07:00

Thanks all 😊 he really has done me a favour acting like this!

OP posts:
grinandslothit · 10/05/2024 00:54

Congratulations on the promotion!

Of course he had to use that information to make it all about himself! I don't think I'd share anything more personal and just stick to the facts of the split and splitting the house.

Ginkypig · 10/05/2024 00:17

This is great imo. sorry he said it but it really does cement things for you doesn’t it!

your right this is your future with him.

no support or pleasure at seeing you succeed only ever seeing you as something he can gain from. No care just an object he can cypher from.

well can I just say a big congratulations @runningaway90 im not surprised at all to hear you got it. You come across very well on this thread and I can imagine others feel the same in real life too.

im so looking forward to hearing the updates one day about how great things are for you after your away and in your new life. I just know things are going to work out for you!

KTheGrey · 10/05/2024 00:13

Congratulations on the promotion! Great news.

He is not growing more generous spirited, is he? Really showing you how entitled he feels to your earnings there.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 09/05/2024 23:55

' or to pay him back '

Wow !!! that just sums it all up in 5 words, doesn't it.

You initially posted on 21st Feb, it's on page 17 now.

Hopefully these 5 words will spur you on out of there, and he really has shown you who and what he is.

Original poster
runningaway90 · 09/05/2024 23:27

Well I got the promotion so feeling a nice boost of confidence. This was followed by absolutely no congratulations and him asking where my extra cash is going each month and "if it would be going on holidays or to pay him back".... For the roof he hasn't paid for yet!

So I can very much see my future, feeling so motivated to get out. To me it almost seems bad leaving, like I won't "last" the weekend but feeling almost frantic in terms of having to leave and really really wondering why I am here. *typo

OP posts:
Ginkypig · 07/05/2024 23:50

@runningaway90 thats great you’re doing so well. You are putting in the very important ground work so that this actually works out. It’s a great use of your therapy time just now I think.

just know when thing are feeling tough or you are wobbly that even though the thread has quietened down there are a lot of us that are thinking about you and sending you strength.

Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 07/05/2024 23:46

Thanks for the update OP. It's good to hear that you feel the counselling is helping you move forward in your preparations. Great news about the promotion. I hope that the planned holiday helps you to gain the strength you need moving forward. Take care of yourself.

ZebraD · 07/05/2024 23:14

Ah that’s great…really positive…it will build your confidence no end. Enjoy yourself and good luck with the promotion…let us know.
what is his reaction to this?

Original poster
runningaway90 · 07/05/2024 23:12

@Ginkypig thank you! Yes it's really helping me with that as we are working through my barriers to leaving and whatever fear is stopping me from ending things. Main focus for me is realising that there is no future and feeling confident in my decision, ending this relationship is really all we have been discussing recently.

OP posts:
Ginkypig · 07/05/2024 23:06

Good luck on your promotion.

well done for keeping up the therapy.

ob I’m not asking you the details but are you finding that you can use it as a space to explore next steps relationship wise?

enjoy your holiday