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AIBU?

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Original poster

Does this sound financially fair?

883 replies

runningaway90 · 21/02/2024 09:36

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

OP posts:
Moosegooseontheloose · 27/06/2024 22:49

Glad you’re enjoying your holiday,OP.

I’m often looking back at the life I had with my abusive H and I often wonder why I didn’t leave earlier.
I realised in 2017 that things weren’t good and that he was playing me for a fool.
I finally got the ball rolling to leave in 2021 and have been free since beginning of 2022.
It’s difficult making that first move but once you do it you just go with it.

A person who loves you doesn’t treat you like that. You deserve better. A peaceful life for you and your dog to start with.

Dont be ashamed. You will make that first move when you’re ready.
Read back some of this thread if you feel you’re slipping back.
Just don’t waste your life on this man.

Ginkypig · 27/06/2024 21:31

It's so fucked up as I know I need to leave 90% of the time but there's that 10% hoping things could be better that keeps talking me into staying

in any other area of life job, house, bad service in a restaurant or hotel etc you (all of us I mean not just you personally) would look at the balance and if it was 90% bad it wouldn’t even be a question that you’d change or leave but somehow with love and relationships we somehow tell ourselves it’s different and we don’t follow the rules we would automatically follow in every other area of life.
our feelings blind us or at the very least make us ignore our boundaries that we have in place for every other part of our lives!

one of the best things iv ever been told is love is not enough.
What that means in reality if the relationship is not good enough and you’re not being treated the way you should then it doesn’t matter how you feel even if it is painful you have to listen to your head because your heart will only allow yourself to carry on being treated badly.

this is your life @runningaway90 and you only get one so it’s up to you how you decide to live it and no judgment from me but I believe you deserve better than this

I also believe (actually know from experience) that as horrible and impossible to go through with and as painful as it is at the time once you actually do it and come out the other side you eventually look back from whatever new life you are living and can’t believe it took you so long and it no longer makes sense why it was so hard to take that step.

all I can say really is as someone who is looking back from a new life (not a perfect one and not always an easy one) the idea that I had decided to stay and the thought that I would still be in that life and relationship I had then feels truly horrifying!

please enjoy your holiday

Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 27/06/2024 21:30

I'm sorry to hear that you still feel there's something worth staying for OP, but no one else can tell you, when the right time is. However, I'm sure that sooner or later, you'll find yourself thinking, why on earth have I wasted so much time on this user, who deep down only wants me for what I contribute to what he sees as 'his' house, I should have left him ages ago, when I had all those MN's telling me what I couldn't seem to see for myself. Then maybe that will the right time for you. I do hope so, as it's a shame to hear that you seem to have settled back into the old routine, when we all thought you were on the verge of doing what we can see you need to do. Good luck.

Original poster
runningaway90 · 27/06/2024 20:34

Mookie81 · 27/06/2024 20:17

Ridiculous, and I'm unfollowing this thread. Hmm

Cheers, and please do as your comments haven't been remotely helpful anyway.

OP posts:
Mookie81 · 27/06/2024 20:17

Ridiculous, and I'm unfollowing this thread. Hmm

Original poster
runningaway90 · 27/06/2024 19:57

Hi both,

Thanks for messaging. I'm on holiday and having a nice time thank you, hope you're well. Unfortunately still haven't had the courage to do anything concrete and feel so ashamed. I also thought I'd feel a big sense of relief being away from him but I feel the opposite and like I just want to be with him.

It's so fucked up as I know I need to leave 90% of the time but there's that 10% hoping things could be better that keeps talking me into staying and don't know how to get past it. My counsellor almost seems like she doesn't know how to help me right now either. Sorry not the great news that I'd love to have shared but it's harder than I thought. Feeling quite like a lost cause!

@CoffeeBeansGalore thanks, I have seen that from other posters too. I think he'd make things very difficult financially if I took the dog away which is probably the bigger issue than having somewhere to stay.

OP posts:
CoffeeBeansGalore · 27/06/2024 13:03

Hope you're ok @runningaway90 .
I've been googling. Dogs Trust can help arrange a temporary foster home for your dog if that would help you leave.

Does this sound financially fair?
KTheGrey · 27/06/2024 09:16

How are you doing? Hoping you are on a lovely holiday!

Original poster
runningaway90 · 02/06/2024 17:47

Thanks both 😊 getting there slowly! Work is definitely giving me a nice confidence boost which is probably helping me see my worth too!

OP posts:
itsmylife7 · 02/06/2024 17:25

Congratulations on your promotion OP.

Here's to your new fun filled new life 🍾

Ginkypig · 02/06/2024 16:57

You sound like you’re internal core is getting stronger every time you post.

your doing great @runningaway90

Original poster
runningaway90 · 02/06/2024 16:54

@KTheGrey 3 weeks time so not long away.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon I have told him I can't afford the roof so he is aware of that and we haven't discussed any further but has said it needs done so he will be booking anyway.

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 30/05/2024 23:49

does he know yet or realise you are not paying towards / for the roof ?

KTheGrey · 30/05/2024 22:53

Glad to hear that he's not getting a penny from you for the roof. You are definitely sounding much more assertive. It sounds like he is trying to hoover you back in with being nice and not pushing you about the roof money. When are you off on holiday?

ZebraD · 30/05/2024 21:31

I think sometimes there is a ‘what if’ but you should t have to think what if because your what if should be the norm. You are waiting for something that won’t happen and when the realisation finally dawns is when you will just go. It’ll happen. Maybe your holiday will be the key….but def not a roof!!

Original poster
runningaway90 · 30/05/2024 21:23

@ZebraD yes I'm sure you're right which I am wise to but somehow it still seems to have a bit of an effect. But I am also very aware this niceness is never going to last and there's still the original roof issue hanging over me which he definitely ain't getting a penny out of me 😂 thank you and you're right I do have this.. as staying is just not a long term option!

OP posts:
ZebraD · 30/05/2024 21:17

I’ll bet he is being nice because he can sense your distancing yourself. And of course…why would he want you to leave when he is getting so much from you. When you eventually go…the charm offensive will begin…you’ve got this though.

Original poster
runningaway90 · 30/05/2024 17:57

@Apparentlystillchilled @ZebraD Hi both, thanks for checking in again, really appreciated! Things are going okay, I am still feeling pretty paralysed at the moment and he has been nice as pie the last week or so which makes it harder. My holiday is coming up soon and have really given myself that as the cut off point. I don't know why it feels so hard when I know there is no future. Mostly the dog but there is still something else holding me back, counselling is helping me every week so hopefully I'll have some positive news soon.

OP posts:
ZebraD · 29/05/2024 21:20

how are things going?

Apparentlystillchilled · 29/05/2024 16:21

@runningaway90 I know it’s all a process so just wanted to say I’m cheering you on from the sidelines, in whatever timeframe suits you.

KTheGrey · 17/05/2024 15:30

Dammit, of course you're right, @OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon .

Well OP, if she's microchipped you will have to be either much more assertive or much more devious. Either "I am leaving and I want my dog as well as all my money," or pretend dog is too annoying, insist on "rehoming" her with a microchip transfer to a friend, and then collect her when you can.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 17/05/2024 11:51

whilst the suggestion of the dog getting ' lost ' is good, it just won't work - if the dog is micro chipped in his name then he can get the microchip company to mark the dog is ' lost ' on it's website.
lots of vets scan the dogs automatically when dogs go in for routine things and being ' lost ' would appear immediately.

changing the name of owner also is an issue on a microchip,
I adopted a cat from a work colleague, she had been caring for purrfect peter for a couple of years - turns out peter never was actually hers.
the microchip company attempts to make contact with the registered owner and allows one month for the owner to respond
luckily for me and Peter the registered owner never replied (or never read the emails.) and after 6 weeks his details were then registered to me.

Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 17/05/2024 09:38

I like the idea of arranging for the dog to go into kennels, or to a friend who can keep him/her for a while, but arranging for them to pick the dog up while you're out for a walk. You could then say you let the dog off the lead and it ran off, you could even send him out to search for the dog. He'll doubtless come back and blame you, which would be the ideal time to throw a wobbly, and walk out. Job done!

Meanwhile, sending you a hug for strength, and courage.

Gcsunnyside23 · 17/05/2024 08:58

Stay strong @rurunningaway90 you'll get out of there soon

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 16/05/2024 23:40

No problem, you can answer the questions to yourself :) as it may help you with decisions / thoughts / actions.

and yes i've read your message.

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