Does this sound financially fair?

It isn't just the money. You are being punished for going on holiday by being made to clean the whole house and look after the dog when you are ill.

He's so mean to you. 😥

On the subject of the dog I would act like I dont care and its his problem, you are much more likely to have him demand you keep her if he thinks you dont want to.
And dont fight or argue with him, keep it civil and be nice until you have extracted yourself, ideally you need cooperation from him or it will just cost more and take much longer.

The conversation tonight sounds like a good opportunity to tell him that its over. He is an utter piece of work, and the sooner you are out from under this yoke the better. I would go into the conversation ready to say none of this is working for me anymore and I want out of it. He can either buy you out, or the house is sold. No doubt he will try to screw you over so don't agree to anything and involve lawyers when necessary.

Then start thinking about how to get out. Maybe give him notice, and tell him he will need to start covering your share of the mortgage or you will be putting a tenant in to cover it. Probably worth getting advice on how to manage it, I know Shelter can provide excellent legal advice on housing rights and responsibilities.

Well I can't say I'm surprised OP, things never seem so bad when you're out of the situation, hence being on holiday it all seemed manageable, but now you've come home you've landed with a massive bump.

I'm sorry to hear that you're poorly on top of everything else, so if he wants to talk tonight, and you feel up to it, give him what for! (If you don't feel up to it, tell him to fuck right off!) Tell him that while you were away you came back thinking you could make a go of things, but he's proved by his behaviour since you came home, that the relationship doesn't stand a hope in hell, and that as soon as you feel well enough you will be moving out / looking for somewhere else to live.

I wish you all the strength you need, to deal with this fuckwit once and for all, and please DON'T HOLD BACK!! This guy needs to hear what a complete shit he is!

If you don't feel well enough then postpone it, but if you do go ahead, make lots of notes as you talk, so you have a record.

This man is greedy, selfish and will never change.

You really do need to find the strength to walk away from this. I know it's hard because of the dog.

It is all so cold and transactional with him isnt it, like he is constantly weighing up what you owe him, both financially and practically, and in his eyes you will always owe him more and need to do more. But he is completely oblivious to your needs in this relationship. I wonder if he even sees you as a person with agency, with your own opinions and needs? I hope this can be a turning point for you. It is scary to face such a big change, but think of the alternative - being able to make decisions for yourself and shape your own future. Good luck for tonight. I really hope you get some clarity that will enable you to move forward.

Stay strong and give him it all full throttle. The financial situation is not fair and you absolutely shouldn't be paying 2/3 as well but I suspect when you finish and a solicitor goes through it all they can confirm it all. He's using the financial situation as a way to hope you ok line and don't forget it. You deserve so much better. I'm really glad you told a friend

Happy cracking op, crack it good, crack it irretrievably, tell him he’s a lazy entitled selfish fucker who never loved you, and only ever valued you for what he could get out of you. People don’t have to pay and work double merely to earn a place in a relationship and always be on probation. People don’t have to compensate for being ill. People don’t have to shut up about everything and pay double in order to be tolerated. If he tries to tell you you owe him tell him he’s full of crap, he’s been exploiting you since he met you and he’s drained you dry.

Oh OP.

Your friend is right. He doesn’t care for you. You need to love yourself more and get out of this situation.

The more you talk about this the more the red flags are waving.

You and he are on different financial pages.

Think long and hard about a future with this man… would he support you in unemployment? Illness? Maternity leave?

You’re not a team… he’s happy to see you struggle. What does that tell you?

Please don't apologise to any of us, this is about you. No-one thinks you you are full of crap. You are navigating a very difficult situation, these things take time so please try and be kinder to yourself and don't worry about the expectations of anyone else. You will find the clarity you need when the time is right for you. I think you will be ok.

We have all been there. Please just remember that you won’t be alone forever - not suggesting for one minute you rush into anything but you really are stopping yourself from being truly happy by staying in this situation. Also, initially, yes it is hard being on your own. But it’s also amazing, there is such little pressure to conform to what somebody else wants, dates with friends, just being, learning to love who you are and friends and doing as you please most of all in your situation not being told what to spend your hard earned money on! Enjoy some freedom!

@KTheGrey thank you - I am too! I didn’t realise quite how unhappy I was at the time. Being at 6th form and uni and trying to be a financial equal as someone who had been in the workforce for 10yrs was impossible. It caused me so much stress to be worrying about money all the time and I ended up taking out more credit cards and loans to keep up. I had rent to pay as well on top of that whilst for a long time he was living rent free with his parents so had even more expendable money than if he had to rent or had a mortgage.

The further away I get from that time the more the age gap disgusts me too.

I think you hit the nail on the head, @ClockworkDisaster - the key thing is how the unfairness prevents you being happy. I am glad you have found more happiness now!

Your relationship sounds a lot like mine used to be. Met when I was 17. He was 10yrs older than me. I was always expected to pay half despite being a teenager and a student. I ended up in a lot of debt that I’ve only recently got out of. He wasn’t anywhere near as bad as your partner - I didn’t get charged for lifts or anything like that.

But I do realise now (that I never did at the time) that he had a lot of control over me, financially and otherwise.

4yrs on I’m so much happier, I just wished I hadn’t spent 12yrs with him.

@runningaway90 You have to do things in your own time. You are probably still in love with the idea of what your relationship could have been "if only".
It's your life & you are the one who has to live it. You have to come to terms with the reality of his selfishness and all his other faults.
It's taken you time to actually realise this relationship isn't normal.
It's not what you deserve. Don't let yourself be bullied from now on. He constantly puts himself first. You need to put yourself first & keep saying no to him.
Please take care of yourself because he certainly won't.

Hey, it's good to hear you are enjoying a holiday and also have had the excellent result of recent promotion at work. This is a tremendous boost and not only to your finances: it shows that you are capable and appreciated. Also that you have strength and qualities of initiative and ambition. You tested yourself and went beyond your doubts to face the possibility of failure, and won.

You have been hovering for a fair while balancing on that bar with one leg on either side wondering what to do and so far unable to take a decisive step. Will you stay or will you go? Is the hesitation compounded with fear: fear of going against him and the familiar roles of authority and power you have been in, fear of asserting your own will on your financial arrangements, fear of open conflict, fear of what he will or can do financially and fear of leaving and finding yourself alone and unprotected by the security of your relationship and living situation?

If it is, it's important to shore yourself up with real family or friend support, to accompany you through the process, help you manage the practical and emotional, protect and act as a parachute if you do decide you want to make that leap. Only you know which way or when. Stay or go, it's not easy. One way lies freedom and the other keeps you as it's always been.

What should have happened as you live together your deposit and his deposit should have been joined together so it doesn't matter who put what in. Then everything else split or a split in proportion of your wages especially after you paid half his mortgage previously. I'd tell him what your willing to pay and if he isn't happy with it then say you have to move and get somewhere cheaper. You don't have to split up but if he wants to keep the house amd you living in it then he has to make your financial situation better

Don't feel bad that you are not ready yet. I think when you have been in a relationship for a long time, that becomes the norm and even if you know it isn't right there is a sense of comfort and belonging in sticking with what you know. Recognise it for what it is, you are just craving what is most familiar. It is confusing and scary to change the status quo. Just keep exploring your options, and be open to new experiences. You will know when the time is right.

It’s clearly very complex but the going to the far end of a fart to make sure you pay what he is regardless or your ability, savings etc is a big red flag for me. This isn’t how loving relationships work.

Please please consider leaving him! Do not have children with him! This does not sound like a lovely happy relationship, it's just transactional, whose partner charges petrol money?? Absolutely insane, that's not how relationships work, he should be willing to spoil you not count every penny you owe him! This guy won't look after you if you were to be out of a job

Keep posting on here too. It’s a rollercoaster. It doesn’t all have to be positive. As long as it helps you.