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AIBU?

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Does this sound financially fair?

883 replies

runningaway90 · 21/02/2024 09:36

Longwinded but hoping someone will read.. Just looking for advice as feeling a lot of financial stress at the moment and not sure how to handle the situation. Myself and DP bought an older house a few years ago and it ended up needing significantly more work than expected. DP has a large deposit partly from family gift and sale of previous home (his home and I paid 50% of mortgage for half the time he lived there). I had much lower deposit (about 20% of his) so was wiped out buying this house as contributed all of my savings/equity. I mentioned adjusting ownership % at the time to allow me to keep £5/10k back but he was not happy with this as he was already putting down much larger deposit.

When we moved in, we spent about £45k on various repairs within 6 months (boiler, kitchen, doors). I’ve been trying to save as much as possible to pay off everything we have done so far but still have around £5k to pay off my share on CC etc. He is constantly making digs that I need to save more anytime I rarely go out with a friend etc but I’m trying to save between £500-700 a month.

On top of this, I pay 2/3 mortgage payments to balance out his deposit which is further restricting my ability to save. There are still repairs urgently needing done ie. roof needs replaced. He is getting a lump sum inheritance and will upfront the roof but expects me to pay him back as soon as I can (before the above mentioned debt).

I feel like I am drowning in a never ending cycle of repairs on this house. I really want things to be fair but I feel like I can’t keep up and every month there is another thing he comes to me with that must get done. On top of it, he was the big driver to move here, I was much happier in previous new build we had bought but agreed to move as he was so unhappy there. I’d honestly rather downsize to take the pressure off and have my life back but there is no way he would move again and certainly not somewhere with lots of neighbours.

Am I being unreasonable to feel his expectations here are unfair? What can I do in this situation? I know I am an adult and got myself into this situation but struggling to figure out what to do and the pressure is making me so stressed.

OP posts:
Moosegooseontheloose · 16/07/2024 23:32

Keep listing OP, you’re doing ok
At least you’ve broached it either him and you’ve sussed he likely will be ok about you taking the dog.

The thing is, you don’t have to try to leave him again, just tell him it not working for you. That’s all you need to say. You don’t need to explain as he sees that as a negotiating point then he starts blaming you.

You're not failing us. You’re doing this for you and you need to do it at your pace. We’re rooting for you though and we’re here for support and hand holds as needed xx

Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 16/07/2024 23:17

Hey, come on OP, you're not failing any of us, we're just strangers on social media, who feel for you, and want you to be happy, which you're clearly not with this man who uses you, and abuses your love for him. Every time you try, it will become a bit clearer that he's just coming up with the same old excuses to make you stay, where HE'S comfortable! If he truly cared about and loved you in return, he would be making massive changes in his behaviour and mindset, in order to prove that he cares, so, if he keeps to his word this time, then all well and good, BUT, you've already told us, that even while he's talking the talk, he's also blaming you, for HIS mistakes, ie, he'd have walked the dog while you were ill, if only you'd asked - if he truly loved you, you wouldn't need to ask, as like my wonderful DH, he would already have predicted your needs, and done the job, never mind waiting to be asked, especially when you keep telling us that you don't think he'll allow you to take the dog if you leave, because the dog is HIS!!!

Here's an example of a man who truly loves his partner:

Due to my disability, I rarely manage more than 2 or 3 hours sleep at night, but by morning, have usually fallen into a deep sleep. My DH, and I sleep separately so that I don't disturb him with my constant tossing and turning, so when he gets up, usually a couple of hours before I do, he makes a point of leaving his phone in his room, so that if it should bleep, it doesn't disturb me. I didn't know this until a couple of days ago, when I heard his phone bleep in the distance while having my breakfast. I'd seen him run to answer it before, and wondered why he didn't just have it in his pocket, so asked why he keeps leaving it in his room, to which he said 'Well if it bleeps before I wake you with your breakfast, I don't want it to wake you up, do I?' A silly little thing you might think, but he knows how little sleep I get, and the fact that he's actually thought about this, absolutely amazes me, and shows me just how much he cares. THAT to me, is TRUE love!

So, my advice to you - Keep trying, the time WILL come, and I for one will still be here, rooting for you, and waiting for that one post that tells me that you've finally found your strength, and done what you really needed to do.

Keep the faith - you can do this!

Apparentlystillchilled · 16/07/2024 22:41

@runningaway90 don't feel stupid- this is big stuff and it’ll happen at the right time. You sound like you’re doing brilliantly- hang in there. Baby steps.

runningaway90 · 16/07/2024 22:34

Hi @Apparentlystillchilled thanks for checking in again. Still stuck. I tried to end things last week, felt so sure of myself and brought up all the issues I've raised here. He made excuses for everything I raised but also apologised and grovelled profusely. Told me I don't have to pay a penny to the roof as he just wants me to stay and he doesn't want me to be in debt while he has savings. That he would have walked the dog when I was ill but I didn't ask.

I now feel pretty stupid that I couldn't stand firm and I don't hold out much hope he will truly change as he was still blaming me while making excuses for his actions. So yeah I feel pretty pathetic but I'm going to try again and last week at least gave me a chance to ask him directly about how we would split the house and dog. He admitted he doesn't think he will have the time or money to keep her and she would probably be better off with me so that's something. Wouldn't blame everyone for unfollowing this thread at this point as it's just taking me far too long but am going to try again as soon as I can x

OP posts:
Apparentlystillchilled · 16/07/2024 07:28

Just checking in to see how you’re doing, @runningaway90 x

Hazyjaneishere · 09/07/2024 22:30

Echo what others have said re: sister. She might just have axe to grind and be unhelpful. I believe in you and that you are strong enough to do this alone - and what comes next. You’ve seen the light now and can’t unsee it. Good luck! We are all behind you x x x

DyslexicPoster · 09/07/2024 20:38

Hope your doing OK op.

KTheGrey · 07/07/2024 14:37

Thr conversation with his sister makes it sound like he is a golden child in a rather unscrupulous family. She sounds a great person to have in your corner, but it is OK to bring in another person from your family to strengthen your hand in case she can't stand up to him. Sounds like she has had her own issues with him. Hope you have made a plan for what you want and what you are going to do to get it. I love a list myself.

GrettaGreen · 06/07/2024 18:18

Just popping on to say I'm still rooting for you OP!

You are a good person

You deserve better

You'll make it through

Abitofalark · 06/07/2024 01:48

That's really good as talking to people is so much better than keeping it all in your head and carrying that burden around with you. A feeling of having support and someone on your side makes all the difference. I would though, talk to your own family and friends as well because there is always a slight risk that it could come a point with his family member where loyalties become entangled and conflict. Partners' family relations can be tricky and involved, so you need to have backup from others you can turn to in case things go awry. Hope you are getting over covid and the shock of your return from holiday.

Ginkypig · 06/07/2024 01:06

well done for being so brave and talking to her.

it sounds like this could the perfect outcome as I know the dog was a major factor in why you don’t feel you can take the next step.

iv really got all that I can cross crossed for you!

ZebraD · 06/07/2024 00:22

Yes of course…do what you need to do for now…just bear that in mind.
one step closer and one step at a time ☺️

Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 06/07/2024 00:15

That's fantastic news OP! I'm really glad that you feel his sister will support you, but as a previous poster said, remember that she is HIS sister. You CAN do this OP, and will feel SO much better, once you're away from him. Sending you strength, and all the very best wishes.

runningaway90 · 06/07/2024 00:07

ZebraD · 06/07/2024 00:03

Wow…that’s really something. Well done for having that confidence…with wisdom on my side…be careful putting your trust fully in her, it may be ok initially but just remember it is her brother after all. Good luck though.

Thank you, I do agree and I'm cautious why I've never discussed with her but I know she's a good person and know the way he has treated her in the past so I hope she might be what I need. It's enough to help me do it and figure things out at least.

OP posts:
ZebraD · 06/07/2024 00:03

Wow…that’s really something. Well done for having that confidence…with wisdom on my side…be careful putting your trust fully in her, it may be ok initially but just remember it is her brother after all. Good luck though.

runningaway90 · 06/07/2024 00:03

Also I should add, they have had a difficult relationship so I really believe she wants to help me and knows how it feels.

OP posts:
runningaway90 · 06/07/2024 00:00

Thank you @ZebraD . Gosh. I am close to his sister and never confided in her. I let it all go tonight and she told me she will stand by me and agreed that everything he does financially has been backed up by his parents. So she's told me she's on my side as she knows what he is like, and she has a lot of influence over the dog side of things. So I'm ready and I have someone on my side who will do what she can.

OP posts:
ZebraD · 04/07/2024 07:47

Hope you are feeling a bit better today. x

Abitofalark · 03/07/2024 14:16

Sorry to hear you've come back to this and are unwell on top of everything else. It's now that you need to tell a friend or family the state you are in and the need for their backing to boost your resolution to go through with this confrontation with him about the reality of your finances and where it has brought you to. Having that support makes such a difference when you'd otherwise feel so alone and exposed. Hoping you can stand up to him and find the strength to do what is best for you. We're always here for you.

Moosegooseontheloose · 03/07/2024 11:51

KTheGrey · 02/07/2024 21:13

When you have the big talk, it's fine to get your friend or someone from your family to come down and keep the conversation on track. Take care of yourself. Xx

Yes, he won’t like what you’re going to tell him.
A friend present to stop him trying to gaslight you, emotionally blackmail you or love bomb you.

Could you see a lawyer first … ducks in a row ?
Leave with dog then tell him ? Is that feasible ?
Then sort everything once you’ve got away ?

Your head will be clearer away from him.

Pussycat22 · 03/07/2024 11:17

NO!!!!!!!

HarrietStyles · 03/07/2024 09:40

You can do this @runningaway90 💪🏼💐

The first conversation will be hard, but so worth it for the end result. We are all here to listen, to hand hold and to advise if you want it xxxxx

froggybiby · 03/07/2024 00:37

Thinking of you. You are a very brave lady. You can do this. Xx

KTheGrey · 02/07/2024 21:13

When you have the big talk, it's fine to get your friend or someone from your family to come down and keep the conversation on track. Take care of yourself. Xx

Ginkypig · 02/07/2024 20:53

Your an absolute rock star @runningaway90 dont lose this feeling it will keep you motivated and strong.

we will be here ready to cheer you on or offer support (well as much as a stranger on a forum can)