Does this sound financially fair?

I don't believe he forgot. But what do I know - I wasn't there but I'm an old cynic by now and would like something better for you than this never-ending meanness. He has a nerve trying to get more money out of you, before martyr-like 'apologising' and saying "I can manage" - poor little me - when the real sum of money is not even being mentioned. I mean the one which you've been overpaying for years for the mortgage or repairs or whatever. I wonder when he is going to make that the subject of discussion. The twelfth of never, I guess.

OP, just how much more bullshit are you prepared to take from this man? When he asked about the money for the roof again, he hadn't forgotten, he thought he'd try again to see if you were more amenable to it for some reason. What exactly are you afraid will happen if you leave?

I think you need to reread all the posts you have written on your thread.

Where do you see yourself in 6 months time
a years time
5 years time
10 years time
etc.

I have no idea how old you are, but i do know that you have mentioned the words ' marriage ' and ' maternity leave ' in this thread - so you are still young enough to have children.

You have a good job, and it just got better.

Reading your posts - it'a all about the house and the repairs.

where is the romance ? was there ever romance
does he love you
or are you a convenient person to pay half of the house renovations...

the only bit of joy I can find in your posts is... the dog.

there has to be more to life than just house repairs ?

what is next on his list of things to do to the house ?
is there ever going to be an end to it
then what

you want to travel. do it.

you cannot keep on living your life like this, can you ? really ?

what do you want out of life, what do you want for yourself

we all know what he wants - half of the roof paid for.

Funny how he never accidentally forgets he’s a moneygrubbing controlling tight ass and is very open and generous and supportive. Because that’s the real him.

I’ve just found this thread OP.
just wanted to send you some encouragement. You can do this.
Also - you don’t need to get him to agree with you that the relationship is over. It’s ok for you to decide it’s ended without him being a party to that.

are you still seeing your counselor? Have the two of you had a chance to go over what you might say and how you might shut down any of his comments so they don’t lead to a discussion?
would that help?

I sometimes have to have really uncomfortable discussions with team members and I find role playing it in my head before hand, or thinking about how I’d frame the conversation if I was a big wig ceo type helpful sometimes. Gives me confidence to rip off the bandaid.

You can do it! We believe in you.

Now how lovely would that be if he just bought you out! Fingers crossed!!
you sound really sure of where you are at, very different from the start…there is a confident edge to you now. It’s really nice to hear after how upset you were at the beginning of your posts x

I think you are at the point where just one thing will finally tip you over the edge. You know what, you are currently grieving for the relationship while you’re still in it and when it finally comes to it you just won’t be bothered. (I mean you will but you just won’t want him) it’ll just be getting used to being on your own which is an entirely different thing. he will no doubt fall apart when it eventually happens.
are you sure you need to rent rather than just wait to sell up? I just think once you leave, you may lose out or he may delay you getting your money. Did you get some legal advice? Please do this before you go…you dont have to follow up any legal advice through solicitor but I really do think it would be sensible to get an idea of what you can expect.
great that everyone has helped you so much…I think I speak for most when I say I am really rooting for you x

Get as much paperwork together re what you’ve paid for the house / what he’s paid / receipts etc before you leave ( Ducks in a row, in MN speak!)

Well done OP, imagine how lovely it will be without him and his negative energy !

Don’t tell him, just leave with the dog when you’re ready then text him. Don’t get drawn into unnecessary discussion with him. It will get you nowhere.
Obviously, don’t tell him where you’ve moved to once you’ve left.

“This wasn’t working for me so I’ve moved out and it’s over”, is all you need to say.

Then see a lawyer re getting your share of the house/ forcing a sale.
Honestly, it will be so much easier when you’re away from him. You’ll be able to think so much more clearly.

Yay! Sounds to me like you've pretty much got your ducks in a row OP. We told you you would get there in the end, and I think it sounds like your on the edge of the precipice, just taking that last moment before stepping over. You seem to have finally let yourself believe that things won't get any better, something which we all saw when you first posted, but when you're deep in the game, it's hard to see the woods for the trees. Could this be the weekend when you finally tell him that it's over??? Only you know the answer to that, but even if it's not, we'll still be here for you, egging you on, and ready to hold your hand when you decide it's time. Take care my friend.

Iv been away so iv only just seen your updates

you will manage this and it will take as long as it does. You don’t owe any of us anything! Although I do hope to hear updates should you choose to share them.

you are doing great. You have had a conversation with him you have recognised that his response is not ok even though he tried to bamboozle you and manipulate things so it seemed you missed rather than saw his behaviour was wrong and you got answers about the dog which was one of the major reasons why you felt paralysed about taking any steps towards leaving.

you have really taken some big strides forwards since I was last on this thread. I hope you feel proud of yourself because you deserve to!

I think you just need to stop giving him reasons he can argue with. If you give him a list of reasons, he will give you a list of excuses.

It's OK just to say that you're not happy in the relationship, end of. He cannot argue with that. Only you can know how you feel.

So sorry, that’ll teach me not to rtft.

I don’t understand why you are paying more mortgage- that doesn’t seem fair at all! He needs to ring fence his deposit so that he gets more back if you sell, but the mortgage should be equally split - especially as the move was driven by him.

But I think he sounds like a mean prick and you would be better off forcing a sale and fucking off to have a lovely life without him.

It's really easy to advise someone else, and often the solution to the issue seems glaringly obvious to outsiders.
But the person with the problem is a real person (well, we hope so!), who has a life, and emotions, and natural inertia.
It's easy for us, it's very hard for the person affected to make big changes.
It's ok, @runningaway90
Those of us still here get it
It's not easy to change and uproot your whole life.

What are your expectations in “trying” ?

That he’ll agree with you?
Give you permission to leave him ?

Remember he has a vested interest in you staying as you’re paying more than your fair share.

You don’t need to explain yourself and go into the ins and outs of why you’re not happy in this relationship.
He already knows because he’s guilty of it …and up til now has been getting away with it.

You’re not waiting for his permission to leave.
In fact, talking to him about leaving is a waste of your time. You don’t need to “ try” to talk to him again. He will always try a tactic to keep you there and he will never agree to you leaving.
But you don’t need his agreement.

You’re the reason he can afford to live in that house, so he desperately wants you to stay so he can continue fleecing you.
Expect some love-bombing if first tactic doesn’t work. He’s in this for himself,OP.

If he’s genuine about loving you and wanting you to stay he should be happy for you both to get separate lawyers today and sort out who owes what now.
As he’s been fleecing you, he should be happy to pay you back what he owes and have a fair written legal agreement going forward.

He can show his love in these actions. The rest is just empty words.
Actions not words.

You don't need to apologise - to him or to mumsnet.

I think what you've done is massive! And it also sounds like the conversation went better than you expected - yes, he can't admit that anything is his responsibility, but he hasn't got nasty about it, and he's OK with you taking the dog.

And I think it opens the door for more conversations about your financial situation. If he wants to change, then his first move should be to sit down with you, go through all the finances and work out what you "own" and what he "owns" in terms of contributions made. Then work out a fairer contribution scheme from here on, where you get to keep your disposable income and he does not have any entitlement to it, and does not hassle you about what you spend it on. All on hair extensions holidays to Bali and motorbikes? So what, not his money.

If he doesn't do this himself, or refuses to prioritise that conversation when you suggest it, you have your answer. But he may give it a go.

Another one to say that we are all behind you whatever happens, please keep posting here and talking to us if it is helping you. Don’t think you can’t come back here if you choose to stay for now. Only you know what is best, work to your own timescale.

Maybe a few harsh home truths might be what he needed to hear in order to change. Only time will tell on that one.

I think you have done really great. Some of the problems between you are probably communication maybe not voicing your opinion and standing your ground early on. (I am guessing here) so what you have done last week is a lesson to yourself. And it worked - he no longer expects you to pay for the roof. Superb! Maybe his excuses were sheer embarrassment as his behaviour! I would like to think so!
its no loss to anyone on here if you stay with him or go. Maybe a frank conversation is all it takes, I don’t know. None of us know him or how you feel for him.
also, you don’t have to actually leave, you can stay there while the house is sold and you get your half - then you can get your own place or whatever your plan is.
we are here to hand hold…that’s all. To someone who seems like they need it. Well done for having the strength and courage to reach out to us on here but also to take steps to taking control of your life and your finances.

What is his rush to get it all done at once? DIY jobs aren't going anywhere, they will all still be there waiting to be dealt with when you have the time/money/energy.

There's no timeline on this, just try again when you free strong enough. You'll need to put a firm plan in place for yourself first so you and your dog have somewhere to go etc