Does this sound financially fair?

All this ☝️. Just tell him you're done. Be strong and move all your stuff to the other room and start looking for alternative home but you are also on the mortgage so he can't tell you to leave. Tell him to go if he's unhappy with you there but you aren't leaving the dog. Get a solicitor on Monday to sort the house. You can do it op. Take back control, you deserve better

You can do this @runningaway90 💪🏼

Just tell him that you are ending the relationship. You don’t need to have any back and forth discussion with him, you can refuse. Just say that you no longer wish to be in a relationship with him, you are moving into the spare room today until you work out the practicalities of what is going to happen going forwards.

You def need to give yourself credit! It’s not easy to leave someone even when it is the right thing to do! We are all here and in a weird way we do care as the other poster said. Even though we do not know you. We understand, we have been there, we have faith you - and so should you. You’ve got this!!

It’s easier only in the sense that you know what it is.

taking the step to leave puts you in the unknown and that’s scary. As humans we distrust what we don’t know.

the truth is it doesn’t actually matter what comes next or what you’re future will be like
there will be good,bad,ugly,great,ugly,exciting,calm and every tiny to massive thing in between because that’s what life is but it will be your own and you will be in charge of it.
you do know what it will be like if you stay and you already know it’s not how you want to spend it so that’s enough no matter what comes next!

stop adding more pressure to yourself.
You have started started to see yourself as letting us and yourself down, your possibly even beginning using this thread to punish yourself because it proves you aren’t strong enough to fix things.

well first that’s not true!!!! its the damage talking!!!

second we only care because you care, we only reply because we want you to see that people believe you can do this because you deserve better than this and you want to do this.
there is no judgment from the people who are coming back regularly to check in just support and strength.
you are so unsure of yourself that by not jumping in and immediately leaving you now are using that to self sabotage yourself the pressure of this hanging over you and not being able to do it and then tell us you have had actually added an extra layer of difficulty to your being able to do it.

but I want you to properly go back and read this thread including your own posts and see just how amazingly well you are actually doing because the reality is you are in the process and have made big progress in the time since you started this thread so you need to tell yourself that rather than berate yourself for the parts you haven’t (YET) got to yet.

stop beating yourself and start to care. Show yourself the care you deserve the rest will follow.

ultimately you had hit the nail on the head the other day. Stop talking and just do it because the talking keeps you sucked in and twisting.

walk forward whatever is ahead can’t possibly be worse than this!

It's not easier to stay though is it?

It's tortuous and emotional and costing you a fortune! It's painful for you to come back to this thread & beat yourself up about not doing what you KNOW you need to do.
It's costing you money, peace, happiness, self esteem & your fertile years. The "opportunity cost" of staying with him is you're not open to all the other great things that could be happening to you.

When I checked out of my marriage due to ex dh’s manipulation and psychological warfare, I dreaded having to take the huge step of breaking up, the uncertainty and what the future held. That was the hard part. Once I did it, I did wonder why I didn’t do it sooner.

Ultimately, it got to the point I couldn’t stand being anywhere near him so I moved out for about a year ( with my mum). I just needed my own space away from him.
I got things sorted via my lawyer, remortgaged in my name only and bought him out. Then moved back in.

OP you’ll get to the point where you’ve totally just had enough and that will be the day you leave.

There’s the analogy of the piece of string being stretched until it snaps. When it snaps, you tell him it’s over and move out. You can only put up with so much.

The power imbalance plays out in an established pattern where he dominates and his will prevails, whether it is in the conversation itself or in the financial arrangements for the mortgage etc which haven't changed, despite any conversation there has been or talk of splitting. (Not clear if OP actually told him she was going to leave last weekend.)

It is extremely difficult to break the set pattern of years and occupy a different role where you take the lead, plus he knows how to ward off any threat to the status quo and guide you back into your accustomed role and passive acceptance that what he wants and says, goes. An additional hurdle may be the fear of actually declaring your decision and intention to him, as well as taking the decision itself - both fears compounding and undermining your will to make a break.

You know once you have done it you will be fine. There is always sadness at the end of a relationship about what could have been etc but you are where you are now and things happen for a reason. Well done for nearly getting there. Maybe this weekend will be different…

I think the trouble is that it’s not possible to have a frank and honest conversation with someone so manipulative.

He won’t listen and OP will be found to be to blame for just about everything and then he’ll mention being owed money for the roof. It will be a guilt trip.

Best way to deal with such people is to make your plans quietly then just leave when you’re ready.

I think you need a frank conversation about whether you are both happy and your aspirations- maybe they were aligned at the start but perhaps they are very different now. I think that could be a starting point . Nothing wrong with feeling sorry for someone - I felt sorry for my ex husband because he couldn’t see how he destroyed our marriage until it was too late and he was devastated but I had already checked out. I actually thought it was a bit arrogant to expect me to hang on in there after all the bad behaviour. Anyhoo feeling sorrow for someone is not enough. You’re not his guardian angel to save him in the world particularly when it is at the expense of your happiness. You can part on good terms and wish each other well. Is he happy? Ask him maybe? Get the conversation going…only if you are ready x

you should be worth more than to yourself than anyone else even than your own children because it’s the only way to for you look after your own needs above another person.
thats not the same as saying you don’t give or share or care in relationships or being selfish or not compassionate but we have to keep our worth in priority so we actually are able enforce our boundaries and needs and not allow others to erode them either unintentionally or in your case maliciously!

So
It comes down to this you need to decide that you are worth to yourself more than him.

you are the only thing you can control no matter how hard you wish it you can’t change someone else’s behaviour only your own.

you need to decide you are worth more than this and act like that by enforcing even if you love him if it means that by enacting that you are scared or he’ll not be happy because ultimately this is your life and you only get one!
do you really want to look back and see all these wasted years? And worse look back and know you knew this (as you do now) but couldn’t bring yourself to put your life first.

Yes running away - it doesn’t have to be this hard.

Sometimes we find the best parts of ourselves by landing in a tough situation and getting ourselves out of it. It might be hard and uncomfortable for a bit, but there is lot and peace and kindness and joy to be found when you choose the right people to be in your life.

You can do it. You can do hard things. And you are worthy of believing in better for yourself.

He didn’t forget. Despite promising he can change, he’s actually spent the week cross that he said he’d pay for the roof. He was testing you to try get you to back down, to go back to his way of doing things.

That is not showing you he can change. One week and he’s already trying to wear you down and go back to his old ways.

Well that’s good that you will re-evaluate next year - because that’s what he said…nevermind what you want hey…:-/

Trust your gut, @runningaway90. It’s ok that this isn’t happening overnight and that it’s hard. But you KNOW that you deserve better. And you WILL get there. Keep on checking in, knowing we’re all here, cheering you on.

un MN hug. Xx

Well he said he would try to do better and he has now done the same thing again.

He said he didn't want you to be in debt while he had savings. Has he sorted this out even on paper with you?

Or, instead of making a new proposal for how to manage your overpaying of the mortgage and the credit card, has he asked you for roof money AGAIN?

If you are staying, the finances have to be restructured, and if neither of you can do that you need to save yourself.

He didn’t forget. He is testing you. Trying to see if he can wear you down. You know it. You wrote it in your post that he is fucking with your head.
Honour that internal voice - it is trying to keep you safe. She knows you are worthy of more than this.

he has obviously been festering about this. You don’t just come out with something so important like that having forgotten a conversation from such a short time ago as it was something of significance. If he was asking can you for get a pint of milk - that is forgettable not a roof!
has any of your conversations covered the fact that you pay more of the mortgage?