Does this sound financially fair?

The anxiety is likely just the nervous energy but will probably dissipate pretty quickly.
not immediately but once you’ve moved into your mum’s and the energy of the build lessens so will the anxiety.

in terms of the practical stuff I agree you shouldn’t be worrying about all that I just meant get all your paperwork, passport, driving licenses, birth certificate, family photos, anything that can give him access like if you have passwords written down or really sentimental things and get them shifted over to your mum.

deep breathing @runningaway90 you are nearly there and you aren’t alone now so just keep your head down and your mind on the bit that comes after this.

staying at your mum’s is a good shout if it’s possible. It’ll give you support and time to rebuild some resilience and feel strong enough to move on to the next parts.
it will also mean you have a safety net when he turns on the next behaviours.

Thats a good idea,OP.

But just echoing what @Ginkypig says in that you should have all your paperwork and important documents sorted and away from the house once you make the decision to leave.

If you still want to take the dog, perhaps kennels til you get back? Unless it’s a staycation and you’re taking her with you.
Once you’ve left you need to avoid having to go back for any reason and then get the legalities sorted from a distance.

aww bless you. What a great idea though. I agree, tell him just before you, firstly you won’t be dwelling on telling him any longer than you need to, secondly it gives you the full holiday to ‘get over’ the initial stages of separation whilst having lots of support from your mum.
i hope you have a fabulous time because the weight will feel like it has been lifted when you go - you can deal with the realities of the aftermath when you get back of sorting finances etc.
you’ll get there, again, well done for being brave.

Where are you going to stay after the holiday ?

That’s a solid plan.

you have engaged real life support in your mum and a way to make the decision then leave the situation before you can be manipulated.

have you got on top of the practical issues like putting all important paperwork and documents and particular sentimental items etc into a bag and removing it from the house (maybe to your mums or a friends house) as once you leave there’s no telling what he will do next.
this means that the immediate important stuff is safe and the rest you can deal with once you get home from holiday.

you are doing really well @runningaway90 you do it however you need to so long as the end result is you are free.

I think that's a really good idea OP. Having done it myself, I know that it's a really difficult thing to do, and it's like you're in mourning for what you've lost, BUT, once it's done, and you're away from him, you'll wonder why you put up with it, and why it took you so long, and what's more, you'll have an exciting future to plan for and to put into practice. Personally, I think I'd tell him just before you go on your holiday, as you'll have your Mum, and different surroundings, to help relax you and get you ready for the next stage. Have you worked out where you're going to go yet?

@runningaway90

just a little message to say iv been thinking about you.

i hope things are going ok.

Oh my goodness just realised he told you he’d be financially ruined if you left - really told on himself there, didn’t he? What he means is his life will be less cushy if he can’t steal from you. That isn’t ruin. Ruin is not having to move to a smaller house.

I hope you are ok xx

Hope you’re ok OP x stay strong

This is what we have seen all along but you have been too close to in the middle of it then add in the haze of love and it’s no wonder you couldn’t see what was so obvious to some of us.
im so glad you have been able to access some support in real life and have had some outside presence. He is not the gatekeeper you were a fully functioning adult woman before you met him and you need to remember that. If he was some guy at a bus stop or in a pub telling you black is white you would instantly follow your gut and dismiss him but he has worn away at that part of you so you don’t believe it’s still there but it is!!you are still the smart, independent intelligent adult you were before he tried to erase it!

you are stepping back now, the forest is parting and you can see the light, you can’t live in there anymore.

whatever comes next for him is not your concern. He is an adult as are you and both of you have to forge a new life after this. He is responsible for his future and you are responsible for yours!

and actually yes he may be right but that is because he has been using you to finance his life knowing full well you can’t afford it so I bet he made some choices he wouldn’t have had he had been responsible for paying for his own lifestyle and not sucking all you dry then telling you it was never ever enough to push you for more!

Well, he may be financially ruined if you split but that is not your problem, is it? He should have budgeted better when he decided to go for a house that neither of you could afford. It is not your responsibility to stay in the relationship to fix HIS financial situation.
@Moosegooseontheloose had an excellent point. Every time he asks to talk, book a holiday, look at finances together the answer should be NO. Because you gave him plenty of opportunities to do that and, yet, somehow you are still worth off.

I don't have any better advice than that you have received already, but just wanted to wish you the best of luck. He's a very rude word and you deserve so much better and will have

Don’t apologise. Sometimes it’s hard to see the wood for the trees. Glad you feel like you have some clarity.
you just can’t put his needs before yours. It’s that simple - he won’t be financially ruined if you split. And he isn’t bothered that you are financially ruined being with him - the arrogance! Gggrrr. x

When I mentally checked out with my now ex husband and stopped talking to him and his love bombing and other tactics failed, he became frustrated and said
“ Look, can we just sit down and talk about this?”

My reply: “ It is not possible to talk with you.For you it’s just another attempt to manipulate me, so NO !”

He knew then that it was over. He didn’t try again.

If you look back I know I said that he will turn on the charm when he thinks he is losing you. Maybe others did too. I mean agreeing to split things fairer isn’t quite cutting it now is it?! In a week he will forget that he was going to be fairer. But you agreed that you expected that too and I am sure you were quite adamant that it wouldn’t wash. Just a thought…
if you still love him, fancy him, like him then you maybe aren’t ready. Don’t do it until you are ready. If you are ready just do it lols. You really will be ok. We promise.

The thing is he may be promising change, but what has he actually done about it? He could sit down with you now and go through all the finances and make real changes straight away, but I suspect if you asked for that he would have lots of excuses for why it can't be done now.
Even if he made changes so that the finances became more fair/balanced, do you actually want a future with this man? Given his meanness and how he has treated you so far? It doesn't sound like he makes you happy, so what are you staying for? You have a support network now, but something is keeping you stuck in the same place. You need to work out what that is. I suspect you are clinging on to the idea of a future that you had hoped and planned for. But that future never existed with him anyway.

You are in the horrible limbo phase. When you know you have to leave but haven’t been able to do it quite yet. You feel wrong committing to dates of things in the future but at the same time you can’t wholly let him know what you are thinking until your escape plan is ready.

You need to hold on to the fact that a relationship shouldn’t be hard or cause massive financial difficulties for one partner. Nor should he be treating you badly.

I said right in the beginning that he had shot himself in the foot by putting the house in joint names if he had paid more into it . Legally it is half yours, so once its sold and mortgage is cleared, the proceeds would be split 50/50.

He did pay more deposit, and normally I would say that morally, you should each get back what you put in. However, as you were paying half the mortgage on the old house, you have paid in to the equity that went into the new house. He has constantly made you pay him money for repairs etc. You have paid a lot of money into the house and continue to pay more on the mortgage.

If you don't have one already, then make a record of every penny that you have paid into the house, so that you can prove how much you have paid in. This will bring you more towards equalizing the amounts that you have paid in as a deposit.

You are not legally responsible for 2/3 of the mortgage. as far as I am aware, mortgages are only ever joint (could be more than 2 people), with all parties being responsible for paying the full amount if the other borrowers don't pay.

He said you had to pay 2/3 to level up to his deposit. So if you are now selling then that point is no longer valid (not that it was anyway!).

He’s either a fool or a con man. Or both.

As if you owe him £10k to get out of owning a joint house with him 😂

Im not sure how much equity there is in the house, but obviously a percentage is yours.

I think I remember you said he paid the deposit? I’m not sure if you paid any in too? So the correct thing to do it’s for him to get back his initial deposit. And then a solicitor can help you work out who gets what from the sale of the house, taking into account the number of years you have been paying 2/3 of the mortgage.

Up to him if he wants to buy you out of the house, or it gets sold and you split the equity fairly.

Most importantly see a solicitor asap, so he can’t try to rip you off.

you know he isn’t letting you have half the house, you do legally. What he is doing is making it cost you every single day. You don’t owe 2/3 of the mortgage, his ‘opinions’ don’t count. See a lawyer so you know how full of shit he is. You get half the house. You don’t owe him. Tell him if misery and suffering were a divisible asset in a relationship break up he’d be having dump trucks of it coming his way.

Goodness it's amazing how if you want to do anything you owe him even more money. Surprised he doesn't have a list of rooms where he charges you for breathing his air.

It's impossible you owe him money. Simply impossible. And even if you did, he can't get it from your bank account so make sure it is put away safely and don't fret any more about it.

I hope you are off to a solicitor tomorrow; to go through the figures so they will tell you what you are entitled to, and hopefully prepare a document laying it out.

I would consider reporting your partner's to the police as financial abuse, per the Serious Crime Act 2015, which recognises economic abuse as a behaviour typical of coercive control. If you can get your mother or somebody else to come and stay with you, would that be helpful?