Does this sound financially fair?

Always good to hear from you but don't want to make you feel worse for not having left or put pressure on you in addition to what you are already dealing with. You don't owe it to anyone. Glad to know that you are managing anxiety better day to day.

When you say he is doing a tenants in common document ref his deposit, what does it say about your financial contribution? This could be an opportunity for you to negotiate to right the imbalance that you have paid over the odds for the mortgage and other things over the years.

I also agree re not signing anything.

Make sure to take legal advice to ensure it is completely fair and recognises your higher contribution to the mortgage as well as your 50:50 mortgage payments before buying and any contact to selling/buying costs.

In fact, I would put a spreadsheet together (without his input as he has always been biased towards having things in his favour) and see exactly how much you have contributed. Then consult a lawyer to see where you stand.

Please don't feel embarrassed OP

As someone who's been there, I know how hard it can be to leave.

I wouldn't have expected any relief on holiday, because you were still undecided about leaving or not and an awful lot of the anxiety and stress comes from that. You're not actually 'free' at that point if that makes sense.

For me, the relief came a month or so after leaving when something happened that he would have reacted badly to and I felt myself bracing for the verbal abuse and it never came. Knowing I'd never have to face that again was the biggest relief.

I had moments after leaving when I wasn't sure, but that really cemented it for me that I'd made the right decision.

So he is putting his ducks in a row then.
You need to do the same…dont sign anything!
His deposit was blown out of the window when his higher expectations of your were put in place. You have caught up on the deposit and he knows it.
Dont be upset about ‘progress’ its your life not ours.
As long as you are ok. I don’t suppose there would be relief in holiday as you have no resolution…but you’ll tire of feeling this way before long and you’ll just end it.
How have things been day to day together…are you getting along? Strained…

And, I hope, you are therefore only paying 50% of the mortgage from now on...

oh.

I thought he had gone ahead with the roof and paid for it, and that you now owed him the money.

Similar situation for me too.

I hope you're doing OK OP.

There really is light at the end of the tunnel and the relief you feel once you're away really is worth it.

@runningaway90 hope you’re doing ok. Keep strong. 💪 ☺️

Have only read OP posts as it’s a long thread, but I was in a similarly emotionally abusive relationship and it took me a couple of years to actually leave, once I had seen what was happening. Also similarly accepting really shite treatment from previous boyfriends because I “wasn’t like those other girls” with their rules and possessiveness and expectations 🙄 I’m in my 40s now but it took a long time on my own and lots of work to get to a place where a happy, equal relationship was possible. I’m super grateful for the present Mr AlertCat- it IS possible, you DO deserve it and you CAN have it, once you are free.

i really hope all is going smoothly for you OP and that you are able to escape the situation you’re in. I’m glad you have a counsellor because emotional manipulation, control, and abuse are incredibly damaging and the effects are deep and lasting. Sending you best wishes .

My mind keeps coming back to this thread and wondering how you are@runningaway90
Hope everything is ok

Just checking in, as you were on my mind
,@runningaway90

He has the opportunity to end it aswell!

Have you got a solicitor? A written proposal for how to divide the financials? Take the personal element out of it as much as possible. I am sure he must understand it is over and you should really put him out of his misery.

Either you are a committed couple or you aren’t. If you aren’t then you shouldn’t be buying a house together. If you are then you need to work together as a unit for your joint future. This means it doesn’t really matter where the money comes from. You shouldn’t be contributing 2/3 mortgage from your smaller salary or struggling to pay 50% of urgent repair costs.

Women are usually the lower earners and usually take the biggest financial and career progression hit when a couple have children. Marriage was created to protect women from financial abuse and being left with a child and no support system. You clearly aren’t married and don’t appear to have kids yet and I don’t know if you plan to, but hopefully you get the point. It’s essentially the same in any relationship. You pull together or there will be intolerable tension and inequality.

Personally, I’d never buy a house, have kids it move in with anyone who thought he should only pay 50% of the living costs. My husband has always earned multiples of what I have earned, but I have never once been made to feel that my contribution to our family was lesser because I earn less. In your shoes, a serious conversation about the future would be urgent.

Been thinking of you and hoping things are going well. Good to have a holiday arranged - something to look forward to and unwind, away from the everyday situation. Enjoy it no matter whether you've taken any big decision or not.

I would say tell him before/as you leave for the holiday. For your own sake. Then you have time on holiday to relax rather than building up to telling him after.
but we are all different. No right and no wrong just different perspectives. see how you feel.
can you stay with your mum? Can she help look after the dog while you rent until you get cash from house to buy your next own home. Once you really get looking for somewhere to rent it’s amazing how quickly you find somewjeee. Register with some agents, I am sure they will help. I haven’t rented before but recently set up my ex MIL with a new place to rent and ringing up and speaking to the agents was the best thing I could have done.
dont worry about going quiet…was just a bit worried that you were ok really …wasn’t sure when the holiday was and therefore if everything had gone well etc etc.
anyway…hope you enjoy your jollies!! And best wishes for your delivery of news!

you don't need to find that courage, you know you already have it
you just need to use it...

when is the holiday due ?

Just remember the roof issue is never ever going to go away ( in more ways then one ! )
that roof will be on the house for years !

time to find your own roof, the sigh of relief you will have when you do will be enormous !

this issue of the blooming roof has been hanging over your head for 6 blooming months

that's half a year of your life !

Don't lose heart OP, you CAN do this! When the time comes, if you want to tell him face to face, just take a deep breath, and tell him 'I'M DONE!' No arguments, I've thought everything through to the nth degree, and know that the relationship is OVER, I'm not prepared to discuss it any further, and will be leaving on (whatever date you've decided)!! If you can, then go straight out the door. Go visit a friend, leave in your car and go for a walk, anything, just so that you don't have to talk to him and go over the same old ground. Just put 'I'm done', on repeat, if he tries to talk about it. You get the picture? I'm done, I'm done, I'm done, I'm done, I'm done, I'm done, I'm done! Literally just keep saying it so that he can't interrupt you, as it's at that point that all your heart searching, and agonising, is likely to fall apart if you let him talk yet again.

Personally, I think your best bet is to have your holiday, then tell him the minute you get back, so that you don't even bother unpacking. Can you get someone to look after the dog while you're away, so that he doesn't become an issue in the moment?

I wish you all the best OP, I know how hard it is, but if you can finally make that break, you'll be asking yourself in a few months time, why it all took you so long.

Have a great holiday!

How are things going? You haven quiet so I hope you are ok. Best wishes.

I wouldnt be so quick to move out of my own asset unless completely necessary. When you tell him, I would encourage him to come up with a reasonable settlement upon separation and sale of the property or for him to buy you out. Leave him with your thoughts of a fair sum but you 100% should not be leaving with nothing. He has the week to think about it while you are away. He will know you mean business and that it is over. It will spell finality. If he doesn’t to play ball, then you’ll know and can speak with a solicitor and do something more formal potentially.
your anxiety may still be there on holiday but the only way to rid yourself of it completely is to get the heck out of this awful situation you are in. Try not to get too overwhelmed, reach out for support as and when you need it, get a couple of nice things planned with friends for when you get back so you have an outlet to let go a bit and yes…breath…deeply and slowly regain that confidence!! Hugs x