Excluding a friend?

Maybe F2 should ask herself why F1 might have felt like she couldn't come to her about the problem. Then maybe she'll realise that her current behaviour is why.

I’ve been in friend 1’s situation, where my DC was being bullied, and then the mum turned on me. Only difference was, we weren’t in a friendship group, but she was still the class queen bee. So I was then excluded from every gathering arranged as a class group, and many other parents wouldn’t speak to me.
The silver lining for me is that (of course, she did this to many other mums over the following years), I got out of her clutches early on, and my DC too.
Be warned, friend 2 will do the same to you eventually, and you will be treading on eggshells until that time (it seems you already are). And don’t expect friend 1 to be there for you when it happens. I want absolutely nothing to do with those mums who took the other side when it happened to me, even if they see with hindsight they chose the wrong side.
If I was friend 1, I would get rid of the lot of you.

People are so "black and white" about these type of issues, but there is probably far more grey to it.

Firstly, no one is obligated to be friends with anyone else, and that includes children.

Friend 1 is saying her DC was bullied, but friend 2 is saying it was just normal playground behaviour. The school intervened, and separated them. That is ALL that is known. No one knows if it was really bullying.

Not all excluded children are bullied. Some are, some are socially awkward and struggle with friendships, some are just incompatible personalities, and others are right PITAs to be around.

And yet here everyone is jumping on the "poor friend 1" bandwagon.

Op, you obviously feel for friend 2. Not making a judgment on which friend is 'right' because that's not really possible. But the reality is that unless friend 2 is willing to try to deal with this hurt instead of hiding away, then the friendship group will be permanently split. She is forcing you to choose between her and friend 1, whereas friend 1 is not.

But friend 1 has also shown that she is happy to go for the nuclear option - lay it all out loudly, make the grand announcement that her DC is moving schools and THIS child is part of the reason why! There were other, less confrontational, ways of moving schools. (Eg, I know our DC aren't really friends anymore and while that may not be anyone's 'fault' and the school has done what it can it has left my DC unhappy and I feel this is the best move for them.)

Regardless of what happened, THEY are bringing playground dramas into the friendship group.

So really, regardless of the rights or wrongs, who do you want to be friends with? Because sadly I don't think you can be friends with both.

You are pandering to friend two because she’s more of a drama queen. I feel sorry for friend one.

Friend 2 is the problem op and you sound biased towards her. She not the poor me person in this she's the one who can't and won't make the effort despite her child being the problem and you seem to be leaning towards being more sympathetic towards her. Poor friend 1!

I think all of you need to accept the friendship group as it was is at an end. A solution would be for you all to just socialise separately with them both at different times. Not all friendships last.

There's a lot of truth in what you say but, to be fair, friend 2's child does seem to have been at the centre of the bullying

oops wrong thread

Really? You're obviously taking friends shit as you want to avoid any conflict. If my child had to change schools due to my friends child bullying I would be saying something. You all sounds like really shitty friends and being controlled by the bully's mum who sounds like a bully herself. I hope friend 1 finds nicer friends

I don’t think I have ever read such a frustrating post. I am on page 10. Do you get it OP? I really hope you do.

I’m actually surprised F1 wants to see any of you. You are all obviously scared of F2 who herself sounds like a bit of a bully, issuing ultimatums etc The fact you think F1 should have kept quiet so as not to upset F2 says it all really. I’m sorry you are feeling so caught in the middle but I think F2 should be apologising to F1 and encouraging her back into the group. I strongly suspect that F2 child may have genuinely upset F1 child’s but I understand she might be hurt by the use of the word bullying. Maybe F1 could apologise for choice of words there.

There are no more posts by StephPlum on this thread.........

It's Friend 2's kid who is the bully. Friend 1 is the one who pulled her kid out of school.

Do you as a friendship group have a feel for what might have happened? I was friend one once - dd changed schools in last year of primary to escape bullying. Everyone knew there were big issues with friend two’s child but never said so to her face. My daughter had to start life again as did we as a family and it was incredibly hard.

My friends kept socialising with friend two and then used to come to me and moan about her. One of them still does it six years later. I still find it quite hard tbh. If friend two offered any kind of olive branch I’d take it even now as I still miss my old life sometimes but that would involve her accepting that her child was not always perfect and she’ll never do that.

Anyone picturing friend 2 as Amanda from Motherland?

Wait til friend 2s perfect child starts on your DC, then you get excluded from the friendship group for mentioning it. Then maybe you'll have a scrap of empathy.

Also odd that friend 2 with the bully kid, also appears to be a bit of a bully herself 🤔

Oh I think I've mixed this up. Basically do whatever you want, too much drama and you should eb able to hang out with whoever you want to

Of course you can leave friend 1 out sometimes, it's not high school yoi can do whatever you want. Friend 1 shouldn't be dictating the terms given her kid is a bully

OP stop being friends with both of them, you aren't their friends anyway. You ignore and dismiss what is happening to Friend 1, and you only hang round with Friend 2 because you are clearly scared of her.
Find some people you actually like.

@StephPlum I wonder if the problem between friend 1 and friend 2 has come about because friend 1 kept quiet too long and presented the bullying and school change as a fait accompli denying friend 2 the opportunity to tackle it, meaning friend 2 feels ashamed and as if it looks like she didn’t care and everyone is pointing the finger at her? If friend 1 was going to say something perhaps she should have said something sooner? It’s a shame, given they were friends that they couldn’t have talked about it before it got to the point it got to. I’m not blaming friend 1 but perhaps there could have been better communication between them?

No one likes to hear their child is behaving badly but friend 2 would be unwise to dismiss it out of hand. Changing schools in year 6 is a big deal so Friend 2 shouldn’t be minimising it, something has clearly gone on. She’s doing herself more damage by flinging around accusations of jealousy and lying. I’d be interested to hear the school’s take about what went on.

It doesn’t sound like their friendship is particularly repairable and I think a fracture between two friends in a group tends to shatter the whole group. All you can do is send invitations etc to them both and say to both that you are not going to pick sides and they need to sort it out between them. What else can you do?.🤷🏻‍♀️

The thing is, you’re not in the middle because there’s nothing to be in the middle of. Friend 1 is perfectly happy for everyone to meet as before, it’s only friend 2 causing a problem. And in my opinion she doesn’t get to have meet ups on just her terms - it’s not fair for friend 1 to be left out like this.