Excluding a friend?

I can't understand the results of this poll, but there again, I suspect it's different for men and women. I'm a man. As far as I'm concerned, on each and every occasion it's entirely up to you who you invite. I really can't see the problem. Friends 1 and 2 are the ones with the problem, not you. Don't make their problem your own.

If the children are in Year 6 the likelihood is that the group will die by next September anyway. Even if your children all end up in the same secondary school, they will be scattered amongst a number of classes and parent groups really stop being a thing once children get more independent anyway.

Same.

F1 did NOT go nuclear and bring drama to the group She tried to handle it privately and quietly. F2 brought the drama and continues to bring the drama. And is definitely weaponising the group in an attempt to permanently push F1 out.

I'm not at all surprised F1 has plenty of other friends to go to and F2 has none, frankly. And I don't feel sorry for her either.

The more of your replies that I read OP, the more I’m actually wondering if this is real or if you’re having us on.. wtf ? F1 sounds a gem to be fair re how she’s handled it all? What is F2 on ????

@StephPlum It's a difficult situation for you, but I really think the friendship group should continue to operate as it always has i.e. Everyone is invited to everything. The fact that Friend 2 won't come is neither here nor there. That is HER choice and she sounds like a bully who wants her own way in things

If you really want to stay 'neutral' then there is nothing to stop you having a one on one meet up with Friend 2 from time to time. But to arrange a group outing/meet up without Friend 1, entirely sends the message to her that you are siding with Friend 2, and I completely understand Friend 1 being very upset at being left out. She sounds like she has handled the whole situation in a very adult fashion - and you and the other 2 not involved are penalising her for that?

If we didn't do anything with friend 2 separately she wouldn't see any of us.
Aibu to leave out friend 1 sometimes?

But that is Friend 2's choice. If she decides not to go then it is HER choice not to see any of you. YABVU to exclude friend 1 from any of your group outings/meet-ups. Sorry

I'd continue to default-invite both friends to everything, just as you always have done.
If either friend decides they don't want to come, then that's on them really.

I can see how Friend 1 wouldn't be gasping to hang out with Friend 2, especially after Friend 2 called it all lies, and referred to Friend 1's child as a "tell-tale" type of kid. But also, these are Year 6 kids, hardly babies. This is a "them" problem, to a certain extent, not a "parent" problem.

Friend 2 is a bully and is trying to deflect the fact that her child is a bully, by trying to exclude friend 1 so that it's never mentioned again.
You need to get rid of friend 2, she's vile!

Though I do struggle to get my head around fully grown adults being in a 'friendship club' 🙄

Poor old Friend 1. Trying to deal with an issue within school first is the correct and mature way to proceed, isn't it. No wonder Friend 2 was bemused by it.

How is F1 failing to 'move on'? Her behaviour is completely normal. It's normal to be sad about being excluded from a friend group.

F2 is the one who is throwing tantrums because the group failed to exclude F1 sufficiently thoroughly.

You are all bullying F1 at the instigation of F2.

ETA if you carry on seeing F1 1:1, F2 will punish you for it. And if you have the idea either of them will read this thread and mend their ways, forget it. F2 will just throw another tantrum.

So friend 2 is the queen bee. Quelle surprise.

You’ve all been really, really shit friends to friend 1. She’s handled the bullying situation with class and you’ve all followed around after the performatively upset bully’s mother and excluded friend 1 in her say so.

I hope friend 1 bins all of you off. This thread is an embarrassment. For you. Supposedly grown women.

It is no wonder F2 kid is a bully. They clearly take after their mother. The fact that the OP refers to a group bullying F1's child is ironic not that F2 has encouraged the OP and ia trying to sway the group to exclude F1 .

I agree with most of what OrderOfTheKookaburra said apart from the point that F1 took the nuclear option and brought the drama to the group.

It would have been helpful in the OP, but follow up posts confirmed F1 spoke privately to F2 twice, and F2 was the one to go on a "rant" on WhatsApp, at which point F1 left. It was F2 who initially made this a group issue, and who continues to make this a group issue.

Regardless of the kids dramas, F2 has weaponised the friendship group to punish F1. It's just my opinion, but I couldn't pander or enable someone like that, and I would hold myself just as accountable for the hurt caused to the excluded party if I did.

This is the most sensible post I’ve read on this thread. Also YouOkHun’s post. I would ignore most of the others.

My view FWIW is that you are too involved in this drama and should take a step back and leave them to it.

Friend 1 sounds like a champion. She tried dealing with the bullying in school until she had no option but to MOVE HER CHILD. She has still being willing to include friend 2 so no one was left out.
Friend 2, well, I've met many a friend 2... she's managed to scare/manipulate you all into feeling sorry for her despite her being the one making things awkward. I mean, well done her I suppose.
I would apologise to friend 1 and then leave her alone, she deserves better and as you say has other friends.
Good luck with friend 2. You backed the wrong horse there 😬

OP, a few things… I don’t think friend 2 should so upset about being blindsided, Friend 1 may have have hoped that ‘golden rule, keep it in school’ would work, parents getting involved in children’s friendship issues is not usually a good idea.

Do you acknowledge that you seem to be validating all of friends 2’s decisions and feelings and not doing the same for friend 1?

The fact that friend 2 is organising lots of things at the moment (that don’t include friend 1) is that usual for her or an attempt to push friend 1 out of the friendship group for good?

Also- it sounds like both friends have left a group chat- friend 1 left the main group chat, friend 2 left the second group chat that you set up, and whilst that one has been allowed to go dead, you are all still using the chat that friend 1 left, is there a reason why that feels ok but using the other chat once friend 2 left did not?

It sounds a lot like friend 2 is emotionally manipulative. She’s overreacted to being told quite reasonably about her child involvement in bullying, she’s refused the olive branch that has repeatedly been offered her by friend 1, she’s excessively distress and therefore garnering sympathy, but not so distressed that she isn’t able to organise lots of social event that exclude friend 1. Whilst friend 1 is being punished for merely speaking up at all, and then coping with the fallout.

Think your friendship group needs a different approach.

People pleasers often see themselves as the nice polite people, but an inability to stand up for what's right and call out poor behaviour is rather cruel.

F1 left Whatsapp after friend 2 threw a fit about her attendance. Did anyone stick up for her? Did you say anything?

Sounds like F2 calls all the shots and the rest of you go along with it.

You're all bullying F1 at the end of the day.

I'm not surprised to hear F1 has other friends and F2 doesn't.

Friend 2 should be excluded because her child is a bully.

Well said

Friend 2 sounds like a manipulative drama queen, and you've sided with her rather than remain neutral.

They need to sort out their differences themselves but you appear to be deep in the drama, it's all very immature and toxic. If I was friend 1, I would withdraw and spend time with grown up friends.

Obviously we don’t know what really happened. The more you post, the more likely it is that F1’s dc was bullied.

Behaviour can be really subtle at this age and presuming the bullying is true, it isn’t surprising that the school didn’t see anything.

I can only talk of my experience, albeit slightly older. In lockdown 1 when the kids could go into gardens, my dd was in year 7. Dd had a friend, who on the face of it was lovely and a good friend. In many ways she was. However, as time went on it became clear she was subtly manipulating my dd and my dd was being totally controlled, doing exactly what this girl wanted. She was at my house every day and it took well over a month for alarm bells to start really ringing. As a result, I suggested to my dd that she try to widen her friendship group. This was a catalyst to an almighty showdown, which had this girl’s mother being horrible to my dd, calling me and texting me about excluding her (one play date) and ended a couple of weeks later in a physical altercation between this friend and another child. All because the child and her mother didn’t want to accept that my dd could have other friends.

Do not underestimate how crazy some parents can be about their children. From everything you’ve said this woman would do the same again and wouldn’t hesitate if your child were in the firing line. This woman does not appear to be doing her child any favours. Be very wary. As for my dd’s former friend, she was left so ill-equipped to handle everyday life that she ended up leaving school 2 years before GCSEs. To me this didn’t come as a surprise.

God the more I hear of F2, does she have any redeeming qualities? I'd get rid

I agree. Friend 1 has been a much, much bigger person. 2 sounds like a petulant dick.

The more you say about f2 the clearer it becomes that she is manipulative and making this all about her.